Chickadee

I am alone.  Seems to be how I spend my time as of late, both in the mundane as well as in the dreaming.  I am in my favorite place to meditate.  High on the cliff overlooking the ocean.  There is a path to my left where I can walk down to the beach if I wish and walk the beach or gather shells or even splash in the waves if I choose, but none of that interests me right now.  I feel cold..Not just physically, but inside as well .  Depressed?  Maybe.  But its more of a need to want to yell at the stupidity I see that keeps perpetuating itself on a daily basis.  I thought I protected myself better..maybe I have been too lax at not keeping the webs pulled tight so that others cannot cross them.  ~shrugs~ Whatever the issue is..it pulls on me and I feel the need to retreat.  There are those I could ask for an assist, but they have enough going on right now, so I tough it out…not like it’s not unfamiliar territory.  So I sit and watch the waves.

“Come climb to my branches Chickadee,” says the tall pines. ” I will gather you close and caress you until you are feeling stronger. ” I smile at the thought of having my face stroked by the feathered branches of a pine tree that stands to remind me of being grounded and connected to the earth.  I smile my gratitude at the tree and thank it for the offer.  But I cannot accept, because to give in would leave me feeling weak and I hate that feeling even more than when I’m feeling this disquiet within me.

“Come fly with me chickadee”, says a voice high above me.  I look up and see a shadow soaring over the waves , silhouetted against the sun.  A hawk dips and soars through the clouds as if he is a kite untethered on the winds.  “I will allow you to feel the winds upon your face, see the sun up close and we can  soar and travel as far as the eye can see”.  The thought occurs to me that this would be most pleasant actually…the idea of running off and leaving what causes the chaos in my life.  But the practicality of it all…yeah that sense of responsibility that seems to be deep seated within my genes wont allow me to do that.  Besides, I would probably turn into Icarus flying so close to the sun and fall into the ocean itself to drown.

“Come dance in the waves, Chickadee”, says a voice far below me.  I look and see a vision of perfection just nearing the waters edge.  She holds  a hand aloft as she waves at me.   Beautiful in her bronze colored dress, her brown skin shining like the finest of chocolate.  I smile as I remember the taste of the honey when last we spoke.  “Come and we will dance among the waves and feel how much love surrounds us”.  I would love to I tell myself, but there is always payment required and I have no offering of honey or perfume to give her for her love and help when I require it.

I continue to sit as the night begins to fall around me, turning the air cooler.  It begins to rain, causing me to become even further chilled.  Suddenly I feel warmth.  I look around and find that one who loves me and guides me has brought my cloak so that I may continue to sit and contemplate things without becoming ill.  I realize it is beginning to rain harder and so I cast a protection around myself and Brin.  She looks askance at me and I tell her, “I know that  you are immune to weather, but I could not hardly sit here in the weather and know that you are here because I am and are getting wet. I continue speaking.  “I don’t know why you can’t just tell me what it is I am supposed to be learning here.  “What the hell am I doing?”  She lifts an eyebrow and looks at me sadly. I continue, crying as I do so.  “Why am I not supposed to know how to do things?  what is the purpose of relearning things I have always known but do not use?” “It’s hard and I feel like I am hanging out here on this web all by myself because people have no damn clue why I do what I do..hell I’m not even sure I do”.  I continue to cry and feel Brin put her arms around me and pull me close.  I can feel her grieve for and with me because she knows that no matter how much I am hurting now, it will pass, because realist that I am, know I still have much to learn and work to do. I see a tear slide down her face, and land upon my hand.  A beautiful amethyst tear.  I begin to pull myself together because this guide , my friend who has been with me for so long..longer than I can remember, is hurting for me because she cannot break her oath..to those who gave her to me..she is to guide..not tell me everything.  she cannot even make decisions for me, just help me clean up the mess when I fuck up..and I seem to do that often. “I’m sorry Brin”, I tell her.  I’ll be fine. “.  We sit a while longer and watch the foam appear on the waves and the shadows creep in as night falls.  I feel somewhat better.  I didn’t solve any major issues, but sometimes one just has to separate yourself from others to cry out about all the perceived injustices of being the responsible party…the adult if you will.  some days that sucks sewer water, and is most damned unfair.

FADE TO BLACK