Reflex and habit mar the day

Triggers.  We all have them, and damn if they don’t rear their ugly little heads in the most inopportune time.  Sometimes they show up due to conversations, something someone says in passing or even in situations that are similar to a past one.  We all have our own baggage.

So how do we know how to deal with the triggers that sometimes trip us up? Some people pretend they don’t exist..tend to bury them and their heads in the sand so to speak, it can cause issues both in the present as well as in the future.   Others act out as if it gives them an excuse to behave like an asshat. Some, like myself, tend to remove themselves from the situation, the conversation and go have my come apart privately.  It’s a form of protection because I refuse to discuss it(usually) to acknowledge that its still a painful scar that hasn’t totally healed.  It can be maddening to my friends who may feel as if they contributed, but in truth..this is all me.

My apologies to those who celebrate, enjoy and appreciate the women in their lives.  I just can’t get behind it. I still have some work to do on letting go of abusive issues from the past, so find myself  being a little more snarky than usual in all the sweetness of the day.  Past issues hold me, I’m currently still in an unsettled frame of mind, so the trigger had easy access.  I said something that others looked a little askance at me, wondered why I didnt just walk off…Truthfully, if it hadnt been personal trigger, I might have said the same to others.   So I chose to take that advice.  I’ll be fine tomorrow.  I place limits on myself…I refuse to allow myself to wallow..that pisses me off more than anything.  Today I will open the wound, allow the putrid decay that lies under the scab to ooze and remove it with a lot of tears, pain and finally allow it begin to heal yet once more.  It gets a little better each time…but its still not a fun or pretty process.  And that’s why I do it alone.  I’ve considered therapy , but with these control issues, I have a problem allowing others to know those private demons.  It’s a work in progress, so bear with me today.  It’s time I isolate myself to start that healing process over again.  Maybe I won’t have to do this too many more times.