The truth of Sanctuary

I shift in the rocker.  Inhaling deeply I feel my body begin to relax.  The familiar herbal smells, the warmth of the fire makes me smile in contentment.  “You’ve been running too hard Cher”, says Maman.  I agree without even opening my eyes. “I have been running…. running with interesting people”, I cock one eye at her.  She laughs.  “Cher, I think there are lessons for all to be learned there”.  Agreed, I lay my head back in the chair.  I sigh, breathe in the stillness that always fills my soul  with peace.  “I don’t know what I would do without this place”, I tell her.  “You goin’ somewhere petit”? I shake my head no.  “So why the sense of loss”, she asks?  “I’m not sure,” I tell her.  “This is for me more real than any place in the mundane world for me…secure and a place of refuge.”.  “You made it such”, she tells me.  “This”, she waves her hand around,”could be anywhere.  I could be anywhere, for I am here to help you on the path, and you chose a place that feels like home for you”.  “I have not lived in the swamp”, I tell her.  “Have you not?” she arches her eyebrows at me with a small smile on her face.  I laugh.  “Ok, it’s possible that I MIGHT have in previous time”, I concede.  “Cher,” she tells me, “we all choose sanctuary..someplace that is familiar even if we don’t understand the why of it.”Nous cherchons la paix de l’intérieur“.  I smile slightly.  Seeking peace from within is something I have had to work damn hard at.  And not always successfully either.  I scrunch deeper into the chair, noticing that for a hardwood rocker it seems to accommodate me when I need to be soothed as it rocks on the rush covered floor.  Maman comes behind me and I feel her fingers caress my hair and soothe my brow with her fingers that still smell of herbs and oils.  “La vie n’est pas toujours un combat, Cher”, she begins,  “La vie est un voyage pour découvrir qui nous sommes et ce que nous voulons devenir”.I keep my eyes closed.  “Then tell me why it feels like every day of life is a struggle for me, Maman, why the journey of discovery doesn’t hold joy for me most days?” Maman laughs.  “You try to make things fit Cher, when sometimes there is no explanation.  Such as your visitor.  No logical rational explanation for that other than curiosity and a desire for knowledge”.  Keep the acquaintance or tell those who stand with you to send them on their way.  That is your choice, just as everything you include in your journey.  Some things may be out of your control such as how others act , but you control your reaction and can either dwell on the pain or let the rain wash it away and move on”.  I nod.  Maman’s practiced fingers have done their work, and I am relaxed enough to yawn slightly.  She chuckles.  “I think you need some tea and then a nap” she tells me.  Soon I have the proffered tea and sip it letting its warmth fill me.  I look around.  “The dog is hunting with George”, she tells me.  I nod.  I never ask where or for what they hunt…it doesn’t concern me as I’m sure George would only be too quick to point out.  I sit staring into the flames of the fire, sipping the herbal tea, letting the peace flow over and through me.  “Maman”, I begin…”is there something else I should be doing”? “What more can you do, Cher?” she asks. “You teach through example, although some do not notice it until after the fact.  You treat others with respect, the love you give isn’t always returned, but you still do so.  You accept what is handed to you often without much instruction and find a way to incorporate it into what you are doing,  so what else is there to be done?”  “You’re not trying to make me out to be a saint, are you”? I ask wryly.  “HA!  THAT would be a day indeed, mon petit”, she laughs.  “Non…not a saint.  A compassionate human being, perhaps, but then you have always been that.”  “It’s why you attract others.  Collect, as you say .  Your energy is warm and life giving to those who know only the gray depths, and even for a shadow loving ghede, such as yourself, it is felt.””Sorry to seem to want my ego stroked”, I tell her.  “I’m not sure of the whole reasoning behind it…just tired I guess”  “Oui”, she tells me, “sleep now and when you awaken things will seem more balanced”.  I felt her take my now empty cup and once more closed my eyes.  Sleeping deeply I felt her presence and once again caress my hair.  I could hear Brin sing the song that I wish I knew the words to, or the language in which it was sung that soothes my spirit. It’s as if I should know it and I probably do somewhere buried deep, but it too makes me feel as if its a part of “home”.  I relax and it feels as if I am once more centered.  I awoke this morning feeling less tired than I have for some days, and found myself kind of humming the tune of Brin’s song.  I smile and even if there were no real answers or questions that made sense in the “reality” of that which I live in on this plane, my spirit is once more in balance and I can face the coming week with strength and purpose which is the truth sanctuary holds for me.  I laugh as I reflect on that little gem and shake my head.  “Merci Maman,” I whisper,”I will remember that when I feel myself doubting”. Answers after all.