Looking for bottom

Ever reached that place where those around you have pushed you to the limit?  They keep niggling away at any semblance of order you might have made in your life and erode that frail thread of sanity and calm you’ve managed to prop up. Yeah, there I am.

So here I sit, watching small stones scatter down into the abyss, wondering how far down they will travel until they reach the bottom….and wondering how many will it take to fall until the stone I currently sit upon follows, taking me with it. At this point, I don’t feel the need to reach out to be saved or worry about those who profess to care…don’t want to burden them because as I’ve noticed or been told, they have their own lives to live.  And I take no exception to that because it’s true. I have some bright spots in my life to be sure, but those who make it so, are only on the periphery and not on a daily basis. It’s getting harder to remember to think upon the day and find one bright spot.

Maybe all this drama, pain and the desire to shove myself headlong over the edge is because I’ve been lax. Living with others, I didn’t have a true altar except the traveling one so felt stifled.  Moving into my own place, I didn’t clear energies, or do the things I usually do on a daily basis…yeah pretty stupid, but then again, there has been so much going on in my life the past few years, that I’ve become lazy so maybe this latest ass-kicking is more than a little deserved.  So today in an attempt to talk myself back from the edge…I cleansed, both myself and the altar space I’ve claimed and make an offering…blood and all.  Yeah, that was required since as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been stupid and lazy…I’m going to pour out libations under the oak tree later and speak with the guides who know me well.

well…look at that…I’m not so much in a panic mode as before with all I’ve been doing and writing, lol…Maybe there is hope for me yet…peers over the edge…wonder just how far that is really?…………………………