WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LIGHT SWITCH?

You know it’s been a frustrating week and a half.  Everything I say or do has become suspect with other people.  When I do things, there “must” be a motive.  If I speak my mind then I am apparently wrong or being judgmental and negative.  It’s an across the board thing.  No matter what group I post in, what I post in my feeds, speak to someone in the “real” world..I’m “wrong”.  I am not allowed to tell people they have no voice in my path apparently. It holds no value because it isn’t done according to others rules, definitions or dogma.  It’s just wrong, feeds nothing, and is not workable.  Really.  My response is going to be negative, so get ready(disclaimer).  Fuck you! It has worked for me for quite some time…and my guides tell me that I am where I am supposed to be..well, except for dealing with asshats who think they know it all.  So go on your merry way, say what you will, but I refuse to listen anymore.  Apparently I also am not allowed to voice opinion about what I think based on what someone else said.  Sorry..I thought that was the basis of communication…listening, then speaking back what one heard, so as to get clarification..apparently I was again mistaken.  But I refuse to “sit” in a pagan forum and listen to one spew nothing more than what amounts to propaganda for a group that bases their views on bigotry and hate.  So what to do about both of these situations?  Maybe  it’s time to walk….walk away from the madness that spills over into my life, causes me to feel so defeated that I cannot find my way above it.  I have candles and incense lit today in order to check the tears..find some balance and light.  And writing…long has it been the release of emotions for me..a way to pour out all the things I want to scream from the rooftops.  But I’ve walked in the shadows so long that I’ve developed habit of not saying everything I want to say…partly because I feel as if I ever open those flood gates, I won’t be able to stop until I am spent and the carnage  I leave behind will not be fixable..people will be harmed irreparably, relationships damaged, hell even physical damage could happen.  So I disguise it in sarcastic truth, making most think I am joking(yeah I know there are some of you who know the truth of it)…or I pretend nothing happened and walk on…to pull it out later and grieve over it.  Maybe that is what’s happening today..my heart is filled to overflowing to allow any more pain to be inflicted so its had to let it out..all that grief that is bottled, that is serving no real purpose… I wish it was anger…Anger I could understand..use it to work to pull myself back into balance.  I am familiar with that emotion well and do not see it in a negative light  because it has served me well in the past.  Grief..that makes me feel weak and untethered.  I hate that feeling of disconnect.  That is not an emotion I handle very well.  I’m sick of letting myself get here.  I’ve GOT to find the damn light switch and turn it off,   it’s attracting too many asshats who want to make me doubt myself in order to be “right”.   I refuse to stay here in the cubby hole they’ve tried to place me in…life is about changing directions and I prefer to be outside of the lines set by others, so….going back to my shadows, where it always warm and welcoming.   No longer will I allow myself to be drawn out to be used as a personal project.  This would be the sound of my light going off…~CLICK!~