ice within

I am sitting on a rock in the dark.  I an in my favorite spot to meditate by the ocean high upon the cliffs but do not usually come here in the dark.  Unless things around me seem frayed.  I don’t feel frayed really, more of a discontent from sitting instead of working and a way to feel connected instead of feeling like I am floating in the cosmos. And yet, here I am in the “thinking” spot, in the dark. I pull my cloak around me to shield myself from the cold that is drifting in.  I think that’s odd because it is usually comfortable here when I come since extreme temps can distract me from finding the balance I come looking for.  But then, I don’t usually come in the dark either.  So why am I here?  At this point I can only speculate.

“Nice to see you looking well Cher”, says a familiar voice.  I smile as I turn around to face one that I have not seen for some time.  “I’ve missed you Brother”, I tell him.  “I would offer to hug you, but…” his voice trails as he shrugs.  I know that the cold will seep into my bones if I were to do so, but I have missed him dearly and reach for him, pulling him close in an embrace.  At once the cold begins to invade my bones, and he pushes me back gently.  “Can’t have you chilled”, he laughs.  So we move to a space out of the winds that seem to have arrived with him and take shelter within a small area with a ledge overhand that blocks the chill.  “You taking care of me now”? I tease.  He laughs and says seriously..”You are my bridge back and forth, can’t allow you to be harmed”.  So I sit with my back against a rock, relaxing as he lights a small fire for me.  I smile as I think of how often on mundane plane he must have done so.  Soon he is satisfied and comes to sit beside me.  We begin to talk… of my life, his existence and what things feel like for each of us as we traverse our way.  “So tell me why the disconnect”, he asks.  “What disconnect”, I ask? He sighs and shakes his head.  “You are pulling away Cher…from people, from those who could/would help you.  I want to know why”. I honestly have no idea and tell him this. It’s a dissatisfaction with things in general..the mundane, the spiritual. With myself. I tell him that since I have no clue as to why the disconnect, I really do not have a way to fix it.  “Why don’t you talk to those who are already connected to you”.  I sigh.  How to explain that old habits have crept in..the “I don’t want to bother/worry you” habit that keeps me silent and removed.  I feel like I’m hanging out in limbo somewhere..wanting to smash things to break the silence of the bubble that is around me…But just how does one fix that? “There are no easy fixes”, he tells me…”you know that.  But to not avail yourself of those who would listen as you spin, can be helpful because they might see some things you don’t.”.  “And what if I don’t want them to see?  You know I hate mirrors”, I laugh.  He shakes his head.  “And will use sarcasm as a weapon of deflection every.time.” I look down at my hands, my rings reflecting the light of the fire.  He takes my hand where the ring of tiger’s eye sits.  He smiles. “You wear that ring as I once did.  Did I tell you it was made on the reservation?” Yes , he had told me.  “Did I tell you that I had it blessed by the medicine man of the tribe after I went though the spiritual purification? No, he had not done so.  “I always wore it because of that spiritual connection to the earth and blessing.  You wear it in remembrance.  Now I ask you to open and allow that blessing to surround you. To allow its healing warmth to draw you back to first knowledge, love and connection”.  The tears fall even now as they did within my dream as I hear his words to me and feel the blessing that was placed within a small piece of silver and stone.  I had only thought of it and held it as a direct connection to one that I had loved with all of my being and lost too soon, and now here he was letting me know that it holds so much more.  He waits until I compose myself to again take my hand.  “I am always close and I know that you can find me should you need me to listen, Miss walker between the worlds”, he gently teases.  “Don’t allow the walls you build get so high that you cannot look over them or keep you from moving forward.  I know that you value your privacy and use it as protection.  Don’t allow it to become the way you live life because others love to see your light”.  I smile through my tears.  “You know being an adult sucks sometimes right?”.  He laughs.  “I wouldn’t know.  You always told me that I wasn’t one”.  He ducks from my pretend punch.  We both laugh.  Some things never change.
Too soon he has to leave.  “Stay by the fire”, he says.  “If things haven’t changed, you will still want to think and this will be more comfortable”.  He places a kiss on my forehead and makes his way back into the shadows.  I want to call him back.  It’s selfish I know, to want to keep him with me, when he has things to do.  he can’t be here on the mundane and I can’t stay within the shadows.  Brin soon joins me and sits beside me.  I curl up next to her, feeling comfort in the protection of her nearness.  She begins to sing me to sleep with the song of old that even though I do not know the words, still fills my heart, melting the ice that I feel within my bones. It’s a start I guess.  No clue as to how long it will take to find level ground, but I’ll make it.  Maybe it IS time to make some changes with the new year rolling in…we’ll see.  Until then, the status quo will exist for a bit I guess until I get sick of myself.