Rage trigger alert for those who like myself have issues:
“Forgiveness is for the forgiver”. “You need to forgive those who harmed you”. (insert HUGE scream here)NO I FUCKING DON’T! First…I am not so quick to apply that christian aspect to others. That particular tenet does not apply to any path I may walk. I may allow someone to slide sometimes in their treatment of myself, but its never forgotten…just accredited to the debit column. It’s used as a way to keep checks and balance on those who call themselves “friends”, “family”…Too many debit marks, and I cut them loose. I don’t need the negativity. Secondly, the comment in question was in reference to past abuse in my life. Wait. I am supposed to forgive someone who never asked for it, never acknowledged that they were wrong or that their descent into madness was fueled by ignorance and psychotic urging of someone else? No matter that I was the one physically harmed, never mind the emotional trauma and baggage I still carry around from it? Show of hands…who out there believes this is a viable plan? ~Looks around~Yeah, I see a few..dismissing ya’ll with shake of my head atm.
Here is what I think I HAVE to do. I HAVE to find a way to live through it and come out of the other side with a quasi reasonable version of sanity. I have worked through a lot of it, but it rears its head sometimes when I see something of same caliber that hits me like a wall of bricks just leveled me. I still carry a lot of anger with me. It’s what carries me through life, especially when things get chaotic and I need that extra push to help me stand yelling for the universe to bring it cause I’m not dead yet. The sarcasm? Natural protection tactic that I’ve learned to use to my advantage. Sometimes I use it too well. I snark at most every thing.
Forgiveness? Not even a blip on the horizon. I have no need to add something to my life that is archaic, unneeded, unwanted and most of all insulting. It reduces me to something less than human, with all my emotions, thoughts and physical welfare minimized to a pile of shit. No respect at all for who I was going through the chaos and emerging on the other side of the glass a stronger person. I use what I have left within in order to be that person. So if that doesn’t jibe with your view of what a “real” person does. I can’t help it. I have to do what is best for me. Carry that anger, letting that fire within me burn and greet each day as a challenge to be conquered and enjoyed. Yeah, think I’m just gonna let it burn.
C’est la vie
I never quite got the whole forgiveness thing – especially when it relates to something that has damaged you emotionally/physically/mentally etc. I agree with you, I hate it when you watch crime shows and you see victims parents saying “I forgave my child’s murderer in order to let the healing begin”. Really? Really? You forgave someone who destroyed your life and heinously killed your child? Excuse me if I don’t believe it.
To me forgiving is not healing, forgiving is enabling because if you forgive the person who hurt you, you essentially give them power to do it again. I think all you can do is move on from the situation and perhaps grow as a person, forgiveness to me is for people who were never truly harmed but perhaps experienced something a little upsetting. It’s easy to forgive when the action wasn’t particularly bad, but when the action is something that will affect you for the rest of your life – it’s not so easy.