Pardon my perception

It’s odd sometimes how we speak, write , lay things out in the open and then are taken aback by others perceptions of it. We are so used to just speaking(often before much thought) about situations or events that when someone says something about what we’ve spoken on..it gives us pause, in some cases may even take us aback.

Such has been the case this week for me. I’ve seen comments from some on particular aspects of a path I choose to work and they are so off base that when I made a statement on them, someone else has decided that apparently I am judgmental(aren’t we all at some point?). The omnipotent ruler of all that the path entails, or as one says “you know jack about this”.  Fine.  Their opinion I guess.  I do happen to know a little about some things, but I’ll sit back and watch with popcorn and rum while you hang your ass out in the wind. Makes me no difference other than it gripes me when I see people pushing shit as truth..but maybe there is a market for that and I haven’t caught onto the trend yet.

Then there are posts on dreams..MY dreams.  I had one ask if I “copied” the style from a friend . Nope, but I enjoy reading theirs. I’ve walked dreamscapes all of my life, as long as I could remember them and they have served to teach me well.  But recently I’ve reverted back to an old habit…the “I’m not good enough, they won’t like me.”..kind of thing..It pisses me off…at myself.  It makes me second guess what I say, how I interact with others. Why do I allow old triggers to take up space?  Maybe because there is so much going on with circus drama, stress of hell, that I forgot to check the lock on that baggage.  I don’t know..but it happened.  What triggered it?  Someone entered an area that they consider “my” space. It weirded them out.  What I heard was old garbage..it kept me awake all night trying to whip the old fears, tears, and anger and pain back into the cellar where I’ve had it buried.  Was I successful? Am I not here writing? All snark aside…I was semi successful.  I didnt explode, cry or whine..but I also didn’t speak about it to anyone that would have been helpful, so I still feel the nudges. Does this change things between me and the other person?  No..I don’t “own” the elsewhere, nor do I presume to set a boundary with NO Trespassing signs to warn others.  They will travel as they will and sometimes there will be overlap.  ~shrugs~.  I also cannot control how others will feel about their experiences.  For me, most of the time I enjoy being there more than in the mundane. My perception, feelings and triggers are mine…nobody else has to claim responsibility for them.  We’ve muddled through for a long time together.  One of these days I might learn to kick their ass to the curb for good, until then they stay locked in the cellar until they pick the lock.

The above perceptions are mine and mine alone.  Nobody else gets to claim responsibility or try and “help” me because truthfully, I’ve always fought alone with what threatens to push me off the precipice. I’ll work through shit, kick some ass and come out of the other side of the mirror stronger, standing yelling that I’m still here so if I’m to be taken down..they better bring their “A” game.  I believe I’ll go have some rum.