Traveling for center?

I know things have been off kilter as of late with the circus that is my life, the betrayal by kindred and with the recent loss of a dear friend, but had no idea how off they were until I fell asleep.  I had an early night even though I didn’t have anywhere to be until later the next day, but I was so tired and whipped by the week that sleep seemed a better idea than a drink and social media. No sooner than my head hitting the pillow did I seem to fall out..deep, dreamless sleep…for the moment.
I got the feeling of being stared at, so I opened my eyes and could see the red glow of eyes from the outer edges of the web.  I grinned.   Brin and I walked to the edge of that protection and saw the large wolf  standing there, its eyes glowing red.  He snarled as I approached.  I laughed.  I am not afraid of you, nor the master you serve.  What’s done has been done and your coming here will not change things.  Go back and give him this message:

Vous récolterez ce que vous avez semé, il ne vous apportera pas le repos, mais vous avez fait ce que tu veux et fait de votre mieux. Nous en avons fini, plus rien.

The wolf stared for a second, then left walking slowly as if he did not relish giving the message but would do so as commanded.  Brin and I continued our walk of the perimeter, checking webs and speaking softly about various things.  I then went to lie back down to see if I could go back to sleep.

I find myself sitting.  I look around and see a gray mist, the sky seemingly filled with the color of smoke that I see in various places.  And ravens. Too many to count if I had the inclination to do so.  They were talking amongst themselves trying to figure out why I, an interloper was in a world that I know well.  Not personally, but through a friend.  I have never been here, never had the desire to do so because I’ve always found another way to purge.  “Jebus”, I think to myself.  “What in the hell have I done now”? I can feel the fear rising, filling my belly with trepidation, and filling me as it rises to my throat, almost paralyzing me into statuesque state.  I stand, and realize that I carry a package with me.  It is part of myself I instinctively know, and is bloodied.  I walk about 9 steps and there she is.  The protector of this land.  One that I only know from what has been told to me and others, and yet I feel I know her pretty well.  She stands in front of me, her glossy black feathers have the softest sheen and it makes me want to stroke them to see if they are indeed really that soft.  “Get a grip Shae”, I tell myself.   “My apologies for the intrusion.  I seem to be off as of late and I should not have come without welcome or invitation”, I tell her.  She peers at me closely.  “What makes you think you were not invited? You are here, no harm has befallen you”. She turns to walk away and I can hear inside my head the “yet”.  I shake my head.  “This way”, she says over her shoulder walking away. I follow her and she points to a small pyre of bones.  “This is yours”.  I walk to where the bones have been gathered, and see that they have been woven in an intricate way, as if someone did this for me, expecting me to come.  I look at her and she points to what I carry.  “For that which burdens and holds you down, your friend left this for you. ” I nod and place the package down on the pyre, feeling instantly a sense of loss within me.  So I stand and look  thinking about what to do next, when she says “start the fire ,girl”. Umm..yeah, start the fire.  Now how do I do this?  Ok…let’s see. I stand facing the fire, thinking of all that the package holds.  I reach out my hands and at first, just a single spark appears from my fingertips, but as I continue to think on things, and look at destroying all that misery, the fire glows as a blue flame and comes from my hands to light the pyre into a huge bonfire. It licks the blood from my hands, pulling the last remnants from me.  I want to pull it back since its a weight that has been carried for some time, but I know that to truly find center again, I have to let it go.   So I sit on a nearby rock and watch it burn, the flames devouring each and every morsel of pain, degradation, and misery that was carried.  As I sit, Raven Woman comes up behind me.  “Why did you not use your friends name?  You could have done so as you entered, could have done so to light the fire”. I speak without turning around.  “It has never been my way to use others for my benefit.  If by some chance I was not allowed here, I would have accepted what happened by way of punishment.  And to rid myself completely of what I brought, I had to light the fire alone.” She nodded.  “There are many who would not do so.  They would have used her name for their gain.  You are welcome here should you have need”. “Good by Swamp witch”.  She then walked away. I smiled to myself.  I gained some measure of respect from her for not being like so many.  I continued to watch the fire burn out then I stood and walked away, past all the ravens who spoke as I walked past, this time with understanding.  And so it was that I found myself once more in my bed.  “Damn”, I thought to myself, I am going to have to speak with my friend about this. ” So I make a few notes so that I will not forget(as if could).  I fluff my pillow and resettle myself and fall asleep yet again.

But I am not to stay there.  this time I find myself outside huge ornate gates.  Black wrought iron, surrounding a cemetery.  I smile because this place I know well, having seen and visited it since childhood.  The gates swing open as if in welcome, and as I enter, my hand goes into my pocket seeking.  Yeah ,there they are.  Nine silver coins.  “Je vous remercie de m’avoir permis de Papa entrée”, I say as I toss them before me.  I enter the cemetery and breathe in the peace.  “Your Gran taught you well”.  I hear a voice behind me say.  I smile and turn to see a familiar figure.  “She would not be pleased if I did not remember my manners”, I tell him.  “I will leave you to your walk “, he says.  I nod then turn to find a familiar path.  As I walk, I feel the eyes of others upon me, but they do not bother me.  I have felt more at home in cemeteries than among the living most of the time.  I continue on until I come to a small waterfall located in the back.  Its small stream tumbles over the rocks filling the stillness with its music.  It is here that I often come to just sit and let the peace wash over me.  I have no idea how long I sat, or what the thoughts that came and went were like.  It’s not necessary because the peace that replaces them is more than welcomed at this point.  Soon, too soon, I walk myself back to the entrance, using another path instead of the one I entered in on.  One must always complete the circle my Gran used to tell me.  As I prepare to leave, he once more approaches.  “Always good to see you cher”, he says.  “Merci, Papa”.  I tell him.  “Adieu”.  “Come back when you will, cher”, he says..”next time we will speak more”.  Once more I travel home to my bed.  “Jebus”, I think…I really need to stop with the travel.  This time when I settled down, I fell asleep.  Once more at peace, dreamless and awoke refreshed this morning, with the need to write it all down so that I may go back and reflect later.

tempête parfaite