Category: painful thinking

Right now its a “I can’t even” mood…people breathing bother me, noise overwhelms my senses, and I just want to seclude myself hermit style. It’s an impracticality right now so I deal best I can. I’m fine…..and before those who know me well call bullshit, I’ll have to tell you that the correct response is “of course you are because you’re still on this side of the abyss”. Unfortunately this mood has me short on patience, long on snark. This isn’t always a good thing because I can be brutal at times and hurtful even.

Most recently I was on THAT ledge and had to reach out to a friend because I wasn’t sure if that day was going to be THE day I let go. So I asked a question that was close to the subject but not exact and got an answer and felt energy surround me because they were concerned enough to look beyond the mask. I hate asking for help. So I didn’t…exactly.  I just surround myself with people who give a damn. I’ll let them know if I appreciate it or not at a later time..right now it’s still up in the air lol

So what is it that has me going “I can’t even”? Well, its a myriad of things. People pontificating like they are the sole being in the world, talking until one’s ears bleed, half truths given to be accepted like they are “the truth and the whole truth your honor”. Others enabling those who are marginally connected to magic with a pat on their head and bless your heart kind of way…I have no time for that shit. You either know how to practice and do so stretching that barrier until you gain what you desire or stay the fuck away or you’ll get burned child. Don’t do those people any favors, even in the name of friendship.. Explain to them(gently if you must) that they really need to work on their craft or leave such things alone and accept that they don’t need to cross that divide….and a divide it is because sometimes to those who want to practice view it as a chasm that is difficult to cross. While I don’t mind helping once in awhile, I’m not doing it for them by building a bridge or giving false hope that its something they’ll ever achieve because sometimes practicing magic is not for everyone. Also on this list is people whining about wanting help but refusing to listen when advice is given. Don’t mind me…I’ve been there but hey, you don’t want to listen, so I’m refusing to talk to you now…Taking that personal? ok…it is. We’ll both get over it….eventually.

So if you run into me, either online or in real life, remember that this mood isn’t pretty, isn’t constructive, and I’m not the nicest witch you’ll meet …but I’ll work my way through it…eventually….

must be my word of the day lmao……eventually.   The gods must be laughing indeed.

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Ever reached that place where those around you have pushed you to the limit?  They keep niggling away at any semblance of order you might have made in your life and erode that frail thread of sanity and calm you’ve managed to prop up. Yeah, there I am.

So here I sit, watching small stones scatter down into the abyss, wondering how far down they will travel until they reach the bottom….and wondering how many will it take to fall until the stone I currently sit upon follows, taking me with it. At this point, I don’t feel the need to reach out to be saved or worry about those who profess to care…don’t want to burden them because as I’ve noticed or been told, they have their own lives to live.  And I take no exception to that because it’s true. I have some bright spots in my life to be sure, but those who make it so, are only on the periphery and not on a daily basis. It’s getting harder to remember to think upon the day and find one bright spot.

Maybe all this drama, pain and the desire to shove myself headlong over the edge is because I’ve been lax. Living with others, I didn’t have a true altar except the traveling one so felt stifled.  Moving into my own place, I didn’t clear energies, or do the things I usually do on a daily basis…yeah pretty stupid, but then again, there has been so much going on in my life the past few years, that I’ve become lazy so maybe this latest ass-kicking is more than a little deserved.  So today in an attempt to talk myself back from the edge…I cleansed, both myself and the altar space I’ve claimed and make an offering…blood and all.  Yeah, that was required since as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been stupid and lazy…I’m going to pour out libations under the oak tree later and speak with the guides who know me well.

well…look at that…I’m not so much in a panic mode as before with all I’ve been doing and writing, lol…Maybe there is hope for me yet…peers over the edge…wonder just how far that is really?…………………………