Life or something close to it

The past couple days have had me off center, which I hate. I am little OCD about order and balance.   Work after almost 3 weeks off was more than a little draining, not to mention having to be there without missing time to claim holiday pay…yeah if you’ve never worked in a garment factory for piece rate..think Norma Rae and sweat shops and you get the idea.  Anyway, got out of there in 3 days of hard work.  Life at home is complicated…I live with my ex… Don’t ask…that is a complicated situation.  He and I were done, but he got seriously ill, nobody to take care of him, handle all his medical issues, so..I step in…I don’t know if I’m a glutton for punishment, but I do know that I seem to to the “right” thing about family matters.  It’s just something I’ve done. He lives here, in my house, along with one daughter and her husband, and our princess.  There are days when I want to run away, but obligations hold me …even if I did manage to carve out some time for myself, I would worry, so why bother trying.  Also this week,I’ve been dealing with a contentious person .  We’ll just agree to disagree I guess, but am through trying to deal with the situation…It’s not worth my sanity nor the crap.  Poof!  Done.  I’ve had friends who need someone to listen to..I do…always have..but wonder sometimes where is that release for myself?

So things are quiet, the princess and Robert are sleeping,  daughter is at work, and I have space to breathe.  What to do with some newly found “me” time?  I light some candles, set up some incense to relax the space and listen to some music.  All to quiet my soul. And now I am able to write, which is my release.  A friend has graciously provided the space so that I can release what needs to be..some I publish, others I don’t, but the space is there.  All the time growing up, I have written down my thoughts.  sometimes in poems, other times like this, as a journal of sorts.  Either way, it has provided a way to be able to put out to the universe what needed to be said, a way of releasing emotions that if said to others might not be interpreted correctly.  Not that words on paper can’t be misinterpreted,but I don’t see ones expression as you read, and definitely not in range of something physical happening…yeah that’s history, but it no longer has the power to cause the pain it once did.  I’m grateful to that teacher way back when who recognized that writing was my outlet, my salvation of sorts to help keep me centered to tolerate life in the shadows.  I’ve learned to like the shadows actually..they kept me out of sight, away from harm and provided sanctuary..but as I’ve written and published some of these things, its pulled me out more to the light.  so I stand here blinking from the sudden glare and wonder what I’ve opened up(another can of worms ).  Sometimes what I say can benefit others, sometimes like this one, its just to put my thoughts on paper and release all the bottled up emotions from the week.  We all need a way to decompress…to find a way to set our feet back down on the ground, and let the stress of life (or something akin to that) slide right off.  I’m going to listen to the music, chat with some friends and then sleep, maybe dream, who knows…and start over again tomorrow with a fresh outlook, more balance and less worry than I had today..that is the ultimate goal…new beginnings.