Category: musings

I sit here in the shadows, waiting, watching.  The tree behind my back provides a place to lean, its energy filling me with strength and calm.  It’s branches stretch out its leafy frond providing a semi umbrella from the rain.  Its a slow steady rain..the kind that soothes the spirit and renews the earth, and hides the tears.  I came here to be alone, to let out some of the emotions gathered that are so bottled inside me that if they aren’t provided the release, things can get ugly pretty quickly.  I haven’t isolated myself, just moved a little distance away, keeping watch and waiting and yet still try and come to terms with the things going on right now.  As I look right, I smell the scorched earth..it too will be renewed in time, I have no time to waste on the whys of that…it will be taken care of. As I look to the left, I see a small light, that glows in the darkness…It is that light that gives me hope because it still exists.  It is to that light I strain to see if there are occupants…too far, I cannot. So I sit.  I watch and wait, feeling uneasy that some would intervene before its time and the light is extinguished.  I continue to let the rain wash over me…feeling the discontent .  I am usually a patient person by nature..content to watch and wait..it’s how I learn and observe..but this time…I so much want to step in and right the things that are wrong, that shift the balance for me.  So I sit.  Feeling the rain as it falls and mingles with tears of frustration at my limitations.  I’m human.  I can only do so much on this plane and to work on any other requires the agreement of others…..so I wait.  I let the tears fall because they are also healing.  they are overflowing from my soul and are filled with regrets and pain that I cannot speak about openly.  The flow, mingling with the rain on my face.  I feel the wind pick up and it lifts my hair as it does, almost as if in a caress .  A small half smile plays about my lips and I feel that energy flow into and around me, reminding me that for all the melancholy, I am not alone in this.  So….I watch. Looking, seeking ANY sign that the light in the distance grows brighter and nearer. So I sit.  wait, and watch.  The rain falls still mingling with cleansing tears.  I will tarry here for as long as it takes.

 

DEUCES

Damn but I am cold today.  That inner bone-chilling never can get warm kind of cold that I only seem to get when I am connected to Ghede.  I tell myself, while  trying to rationalize it on a mundane level… well it’s bitterly cold outside what with mother nature changing her mind every few days about what temperature she should be using.  At first its been spring temps and rains/storms, and now it truly is winter temps with the usual frozen precipitation I loathe.  But my feeling cold..this is more than that because I am inside, haven’t even poked my nose out to see the day…hell I haven’t even made it past my room to go find coffee.  Instead I am curled up, wearing my robe and warm socks still in my pajamas and trying to sort things out in my head.  Last night I worked for a friend who needs healing.  Intense doesn’t even come close to describing that energy.  I called in a favor, chose the correspondence well, and began.  The storm of energy flowing in one direction from myself and others…well, let’s just say it could have covered all of NM, and yet was aimed for one brother who needs us.   My emotions concerning this friend have me a little off kilter.  How does one come to “know” someone for a short time online and feel like kindred? To grieve over the pain they are experiencing and wanting so badly to fix or change things?  It always amazes me that things like that happen.  I guess because he kind of reminds me of my brother that has passed..living life on his own terms, being who the universe demanded he become..I’m not sure..what I do know is that he reached out for help and I could not, would not turn him down.  So now that I’ve done what I can for him ..what else do I do?  Keep working, is what my heart tells me.  Sometimes that is easier said than done since the one working has to learn to recognize their limitations.  While we may want to jump right in, our physical limitations on this plane often supersede the will on the astral.  That is what frustrates me sometimes.  It makes me want to rail and rant and curse the physical frailties that I consider to be faults in myself because I cannot do as I choose when it comes to those I care about.  I get told about half dozen times a day by various people and entities that I have to accept those limits or I will be of no use to anyone least of all myself…Yeah, frustration is NOT the word for this.  So what do I do today?  I’ve finally taken a short break and gotten coffee.  That is a good start. I made it with maman’s special recipe with the chikory, cinnamon and chocolate…minus the rum though since I am out.  I am reminded that, THAT has to remedied, for if I am to dance with ghede, the rum has to flow.  Couldn’t agree more,lol.  I’ve turned on some Amos Lee, letting his jazzy, blues wash over me.  Come back to read over what I already have written down, tweaked a word or two.  I’m calmer, warmer, and willing to let go of what I worked on before. I know one cannot hang on to things even when we want to worry over it like a mother hen making sure it goes where its supposed to, do what its supposed to do…get the results we want, no…DEMAND it to do.  I’m human before being a witch so sometimes old habits are hard to break ~shrugs~. So I am now settled, moreso than I have been this whole week..the storm is moving on.   Like most storms, either in the mundane or energy wise, they howl and swirl around us, then eventually subside, leaving a calm to be appreciated.  Time to greet the day properly I guess 😉

 

 

DEUCES

Dreams have been used since the dawn of time to teach lessons, to give insight into situations, to guide the dreamer into the direction they must travel.  Some see them as things to be feared.  Nightmares haunt some.  But if one dissects them and checks the symbolism located there, you will find that it’s not all as you believed it to be, but truth that is trying to be conveyed on certain subjects.  Dreams have even been spoken about in the holiest of books in some faith, the Bible, the Torah, the Koran.  They were used for teaching, foretelling of things to come.  And if we use ours that way, they too can teach us a great many things.

I know that people have to wonder sometimes when they read my blogs about dreams.  They are filled with imagery that doesn’t fit into the mundane nor do the animals/people/otherkin  seemingly exist  outside of otherworld to others.  It reads like some odd sci fi book to some.  They don’t understand them and I get asked quite often  if I am mad.  Nope.  I consider myself to be quite sane, almost analytic to a fault sometimes in my read on the here and now.  I consider madness in the mundane to be something akin to spending more than you have for appearance sake, tossing those who love you and helped you all your life because of some assinine jackal who has no concept of what that means.  Those are mad actions because why would a sane person do that?  Madness is the repetitive behavior of constantly running on that wheel chasing physical, material things that never seem to fill the void you feel within.  My dreams make perfect sense to me.  They take me to places of sanctuary more often than not because the mundane I am in currently is filled with drama, stress and physical ailments, while in the otherworld, I am soothed, spoken to as an equal, chided lovingly and taught a great many things that are helpful when I am pulled back into this corporeal existence.  Sometimes the dreams themselves are lessons to make me think about how I look at a situation or a solution as to how I can change it.  Who doesn’t need that?  Dreams are not always meant to be concrete and tidy…sometimes they are open ended much like life.  Things change from minute to minute and the solution can change with it.  I get asked sometimes how I come to find myself speaking with giant technicolored spiders, swamp witches, Ghede, and shape shifting dragons..simple answer is I am not often sure myself.  But they are as tangible to me as the keys I touch as I write.  The love and laughter shared there are often a relief to the stress and tears I shed  when faced with situations in a more physical realm.  Although to be honest, for me the otherworld is just as a physical reality as that in which I find myself at the moment.   I write out the things I encounter because they give me a way to record details, to be able to go back and read again and remember conversations and pull out the gems I find there that help me.  Does it make me crazy?  I guess it depends on who’s definition we’re going with.  Some might find them absurd, and I might give them that because I have to say the first time I met George, I wondered to myself if I was losing my marbles as well.  But he exists, and has found his way into interacting with others I know which could be a mass hypnosis kind of thing I guess, if one  was to ask those learned professionals with the white coats.  But we care less about what they think.  They went to school to push meds and tell people they’re mentally unstable.  It’s what they do.  I and others like me recognize the fine line between dream state and madness  Sometimes walking that edge above the abyss can be tricky.  but it’s also necessary for our well being.  It’s part of who we are and gives us a better insight as to how to react to the stupidity of those in life we live.  So go ahead and think I’m a little off kilter if you like.  I like myself this way.  After all, Alice herself would not have learned so much herself is she hadn’t been curious enough to chase the rabbit down a hole.  Ya’ll might want to try a little of that yourself.  Going through the mirror is easy enough process.  It’s the application of the lessons that takes work.  Dream On

DEUCES

So, have been thinking  about a few things.  I freely tell people I have control issues..want things just so because the out of focus/out of line crap just grates on my nerves.  It works that way with other things too.  I want people to be knowledgeable about that of which they speak, even if it is their personal experience.   How else am I going to know if they don’t?  I’ve always had a tendency to speak with confidence(if one wants to call it that) about UPG of my path as well as things I might have learned, discerned in the process of that walk.  Oddly enough I’ve learned that to some, they have a tendency to think its judgmental or  an “arrogance” of sorts.  “Professor” is a name tossed at me (in jest I hope) although I did have a friend in school who used to call me “the brain” because I helped him in business law class, so if the name assigned to me was in respect of that knowledge, then I can live with it.  I honestly don’t think I judge others, unless one counts the fluff who come in talking about dragons helping them with therapy(bitch please, they’re liable to eat your ass and spit the bones on the pile to use later as a toothpick), or those who think everything printed on the web is gospel.  Those type people are dangerous because they have no clue who or what they are in the first place, no idea that manipulating energies will give them the worst witchfuck they’ve ever encountered, not to mention open doors that need to stay closed. So I guess that is judgmental, but I never considered it to be so for those I know who walk a pagan path.  IDK,maybe  somehow I do that..I mean it’s a human thing sometime for us all to view things from our perspective and I set high standards for myself so automatically expect others to be right up there with me…not realistic I know, but deep within I feel that they are worth more than they see sometimes, so I want to “nudge” them..ok dammit, sometimes I downright SHOVE, but it’s only because I love them and see their value that they sometimes overlook for whatever reason.  Guess I’ll work on the pushing stuff where some are concerned…others, not so much…they get shoved out of my way for their stupidity…just more junk food for the dragons I guess,lol.  Anyway, changes in the works for me …think some of it will be in this area,wonder if I need to hand out earplugs to drown out the yelling that will come with my being dragged along?

 

DEUCES

I’ve been having issues last little bit with definition.  Not my definition, but the way others define who I am and how I believe by their own personal standards.  It kind of rocked me for a second because I actually thought I was past that.  Apparently not.  So I’ve been whining, complaining, and tonight, I’ve just decided to suck it up and move on.  That’s the good thing about my moods, they never stay long because I refuse to allow them to do so.  So what did I do? I  stopped dwelling on it. I apologize to my friends who’ve had to listen to me whine about the unfairness of people challenging me and my beliefs in a rather forceful manner.  I’ll stop..really,lol.  Ya’ll are the only ones who have helped keep me sane and from going totally off the edge and I appreciate you more than you know.  Here is the thing.  I know that my path works for me.  I know the history of it, and what it means to me.  I see no need to defend it or myself to anyone else.  I need to look in the mirror and appreciate the gifts I have, and get back to work.  If that means kicking some to the curb for their negative shit..so be it..but either way, I am done feeling like a punching bag.  So what is the definition of me?  I carry a lot of labels in my life, some I shouldered onto myself, others placed there by others.   Some news ones have been suggested and that amuses me.  I am ordinary woman really.  Nothing I do is special in my opinion.  I do things as I have always done them, and yet sometimes that resonates with others.  That’s fine.  If I can help others even if its being an example of what not to do, then so be it.  Witch, pagan, woman, mother, sister, friend, Nana..they are all labels used to define who I am, and yet that just barely scrapes the surface.  I hope that I succeed at all of these, and maybe I do somewhat.  I know that I am better at some  than others .  I could use some more work on them I guess, but sometimes things are beyond our control and we have to accept those that are not perfect, probably will never be and move on.  Same with my beliefs.  I am opinionated when it comes to how people treat others, maybe because I know what it feels like to be bullied and disrespected, and have seen the fear reflected in the faces of those who get caught up in situations caused by ignorance and hate.  I refuse to be part of the silent majority who will not speak up.  I also refuse to walk away from my path because it is not the accepted view of narrow minded people who think I need to follow the status quo, and  those who choose to judge out of ignorance and lack of knowledge.  So I sit looking into my mirror and accepting that while I am not perfect, I am doing just fine at being a decent human being..one who accepts her friends as they are, loves her family even when they aren’t always so loveable, and try to do as my guides direct in teaching, learning and living.  All in all, that isn’t a bad definition after all.

 

PEACE OUT

A lot of conversation has been around lately about train wrecks…not the type that one would think of with twisted metal, mangled parts, but similar in fashion because it concerns mangled lives, depressed people, ..I know we all have our moments of down time, and its unavoidable at times as we travel the road of life.   But sometimes it is hard to climb out of the abyss without help. The ones that drive me mad are usually posted across social media for all to see..sort of like…”Look!  I’m depressed…come stroke my ego so I feel special”…Maybe that was not their intent..maybe they just needed to vent..and gods knows that I have been known to do that as well, especially about my job.  To my friends that I’ve whined to lately about manic man and other shit..my apologies for allowing myself to be pulled that low but thanks for listening…I’ve unfriended more people for their depressing status than I care to admit…it gets old reading it every day.  And its not just the social media, its the people in our every day lives. The ones who are so miserable in their existence that they try and make you feel as bad as they do.  “They” say misery loves company and I guess that is true to some degree, but I don’t think “they” are playing with a full deck to start with.  While I can certainly empathize with someone’s misfortunes, or personal angst, I will NOT lower myself into that hole with them.  I have no clue what makes those type of people tick–the ones who feel they have to let the world know every nuance about their miserable existence.  Maybe it’s me..I like to keep my life pretty close to the vest..I hate telling people things about me..and while there are friends who do know some details, it’s not something we speak of on a daily basis.    Maybe it’s a holdover from abusive childhood, maybe something I cultivated for protection..I don’t know.  So while I try and not take a “holier-than-thou” stance on this, it’s difficult when it’s always in my face.  It’s not really my place to tell people how they should live their life. If they are content with the being cast in the role of the down-trodden and bogged down in the mire of petulant caviling , then who am I to say they can’t.  So what to do with all those status that bother me?  Stop reading them for one,lol…or unfriend more of those that seem to have nothing better to do than to pull others into their drama…So while I kvetch about such train wrecks, and shamefully apologize for mine to friends…I’m just going to move on past them without even slowing down to roll down the window to rubberneck at the carnage laying by the wayside…It’s not pretty, nor does it add anything useful to my life which has enough issues thank you very much…

 

 

PEACE OUT