Loss

Some would probably scoff at me today.  But I care less.  Today I lost my little gift Zoe as she tried to bring life into the world.  She was the sweetest thing, only 6 years old.She had the most sweetest temperament and loved me with everything she had within her.  the feeling was mutual.  She was the one I could talk to when everyone else was busy.  When Robert was sick, she was the one who waited patiently at home for me and cuddled close as I cried out my frustrations.    I received her from my sister as a birthday gift  the same year as Braelyn was born and the two became fast friends.  She learned to crawl and walk by following Zoe.  It was amusing to watch them both play, both holding a special place in my hearty.  She taught me a lot did my friend.  That love was supposed to be unconditional and family was most important rather than what others thought.  She loved me no matter how imperfect I am .

So tonight I bid farewell to my little friend.  May her passing be peaceful wherever she may be going.  I will miss her little face and those cuddles.  Je t’aime Zoe.   Je vous souhaite la paix

crazed assumptions

Sometimes people’s assumptions can make one more than a little crazed.  I post all sorts of things on FB.  Mostly those things that strike me as amusing, things that remind me of my friends or things that make me think.  But not all of what I post is a true reflection of who I am.  For instance, I post a lot of alcohol jokes.  Now one might think as a person reared in a home of an abusive, often violent alcoholic, I might not find this an amusing subject. And if I were living and had not left it behind over 30 yrs ago, I might agree with that statement.  But I have lived through it, and moved past it .So I guess it would be safe to say for those who do not know me well to “assume” that I must like to drink…a lot judging by what all I post right?  Yeah, that is how I live my life..mhm. When I get responses like “Do you drink EVERY day”, or “don’t you drink til oblivious when you don’t have child care duty”? I want to smack people.  First, just what business is it of theirs when or how I drink let alone how much?  Secondly, does the alcohol police go around for every person and determine if they can drink with a child in the house?  I think not.  So just because I often joke about drinking, dont assume that I am in fact drinking as I post it(although I could be).

The thing about growing up in an alcoholic home, one can go couple of directions.  You can either continue the cycle of abuse and drink yourself(which I did in my teens) or break that cycle and not drink, something I did as I got older.  Then I found a happy balance for myself.  I limit myself to two drinks whether I am home or out with others because I find that after 2, I tend to not appreciate others sense of humor.  It can get ugly …fast.  I also imbibe in ritual settings, which is not the same as drinking socially.  I have been known to empty the bottle of rum during a working and while I wake up tired the next day, have no other ill effects of that kind of drinking.  It doesnt make sense I know, but then that is the beauty of magic.
For those who assume to know me, my personal habits and want to comment with some retarded shit…best advice: DONT.  I am not amused, and it can cause an irreparable rift in our “friendship”.
SLAINTE’

CLEAR AS MUD

I have sat and watched with interest lately at some of the labels, and conversations around people’s various paths and knowledge of them.  And I am trying to see where they are coming from, but its a little muddy.
So the first one I see is someone who came into a group I frequent, who labels herself as a High Priestess of a Satanic organization as well as a “dark” pagan. And yet when she came into a pagan group not known for swallowing bullshit, she posted generic McWiccan  elemental spells as well as directions to make a witch bottle for protection.  Now I am not too sure what tenets her organization adheres to..it’s a “secret” society but it advertises for new members on FB..social media.  Yeah..I couldn’t exactly get my head wrapped around that either.  So I looked at her name to give me a clue as to what she is about, because names are important..gives me starting point of reference.  The first part was Baphomet.  Now this name creates a lot of controversy even in the pagan world as to the origins, with everything from the Knights of Templar, the Freemasons as well as Elphias Levi’s “Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie“ written in 1897 that became a standard for reference in modern occultism.   While it certainly has a LHP bent, it doesn’t really have a lot to do with satanism as a whole, although some groups use the symbol drawn by Levi as a way to differentiate themselves from anything remotely connecting them to other parts of the occult such as wicca .  The second part of her name is Sekhemet.  Sekhemet is an Egyptian goddess.  Her name means “powerful one”.  She also carries the  name, One before who evil trembles/  Now I ask you…would any self respecting satanist saddle themselves with such a name?  I think not.  Most, if they choose a name to work with ritualistically do not make it public outside their group.  I know several people involved in satanist groups, some Luciferian, some part of the LeVeyan  group.  In fact back in the 60’s, Anton LeVey formed the church of Satan that still carries on today today in some form or fashion.  He in fact was not truly a satanist.  He didn’t believe in deity at all, but then as now in some cases, the group pulls in money, celebrities and the sex is good.  Satanist groups as a whole have differences in beliefs much as pagans, but to use the names she’s gifted herself with as well as speaking of the “devil” which is actually a christian construct rather than worshiping Satan or Lucifer(two different entities) speaks volumes at their lack of knowledge.  They can’t even claim to be a theist because truthfully, I am not sure even they know who or what they truly believe, since they’re tossing out generic spells, that can be found online on many wiccan sites.  As for “dark” pagan, I’m going to go with that it includes that which  deals in chaos magic and LHP(left hand path) kind of thing.  In truth, one needs balance, so pagan is universal without assigning any form of light/dark to the verbiage imho.  If one is a chaos practitioner, or even hermetics, then that would be a label for the path that majority would recognize.  It’s just a little difficult to understand what the description “dark” encompasses since there are many pagans who practice differently and some of us are just as apt to pull in rootwork for practice that others who wont cross that line would find “dark” and yet we do not define ourselves as such.  But when questioned as to origins of said path, said “HP” pulled her posts and packed her altar then left in a huff because all comments directed were “malicious”.  OMDayum..a sensitive “satanist”! That is a rare bird indeed.  Most know their history, their beliefs and are not shy about letting you know how “young” your path truly is…kind of arrogant, but that’s their way.

The other conversation I became aware of this week was in another group.  I was part of it, then left because some of their admins have a way of deleting threads if they get too “hot” for their tastes..I smh over this because, 1.  We’re adults, and are supposed to be able to stand it.  And 2.  it’s the internet ffs!  One can always walk way from the computer, click another page..whatever it takes to ignore some asscricket. But I have some on my friend lists that frequent this group and I find the stalker feed amusing at times to read what they are commenting on.

So the conversation started off general and then somewhere in the middle, one made a comment that Wicca and voodoo were similar.  I almost spit tea all over the laptop(not first time I might add).  WTF? Do you really mean what you just said?  Apparently he did because he then stated that he had a few drinks one night with someone who practiced voodoo and they compared the similarities.  ~Headdesk~Now there was someone knowledgeable about Vodun in the conversation itself and he tried to dissuade said individual that this made no sense because voodoo itself depending upon the part of the world its from has many components, has been around forever and Wicca is a made up religion about 50 yrs old or so.  The argument was Wicca is similar to Voodoo. The source that is immanent in all things, is too vast for humans to comprehend in its entirety. Since it is incomprehensible, it is approached as a God and Goddess, male and female, so that we can build relationships with them in a way that our minds can comprehend. The rebuttal was” We comprehend God just fine; we just view God as being that which is upholding and reworking creation, too vast to be distracted by individual people needing to bug Mama or Papa for things like a new job.

We believe God created the spirits and the Angels to serve us as we serve them; we give prayer and glory to God, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty he’s given us department managers instead of the CEO’s phone number.

There is no similarity between the religions in that regard.” (Many thanks to Matt for his clear answers). So having a drink or two with someone who may or may not have experience in voodoo may or may not  be the best way to judge similarities of paths.  In fact, There are many differences that would keep some from following either path, but that really comes down to personal taste or connection to deity in my opinion.

Whenever I see those who make statements such as those above, or see people gift themselves with names, labels or claim expertise as “teacher” without putting forth the effort to truly learn, I want to smack them on the back of the head and tell them that they are part of the problem. “What is pagan”  is a question often asked and its a convoluted mess to try and answer for those who do not comprehend..  We’re all different to be sure and as such will arrive at different destinations as per our experiences, but for those who come behind us seeking, why cloudy up the water and churn it into mud?  Why not leave a clear marker of where you’ve been, showing what worked for you, what didn’t, what you learned from both examples and why you moved on? To me that makes much more sense than trying on the emperor’s clothes while he isn’t home.  They don’t fit, make you look like a clown and you have no right to them.

 

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Betrayal

Life is full of quirks isn’t it? We honestly never know when something is going to slam us unexpectedly from out of the blue.  Our challenge is how we deal with it and find a way for us to set our feet.

Sometimes we just get too complacent about using our tools that have served us well.The ability to read, see others for who they really are, has always been one that I’ve been able to use even when I didn’t know what to call it.  My only blind spot was with family or those I let into my inner circle. I have a tendency to let them slide sometimes.   I know when they’re lying to me, I just don’t always call them on it.  Sometimes its just to keep the peace that is sometimes a work in progress intact or sometimes the issue is minute and I don’t care to expend the energy on it.  I tend to pick and choose my battles these days.  But what does it do to my inner self if I continuously let this slide?  I stop looking within those I think I know well and ignore the obvious..that often leads to a betrayal.  Some would consider that a harsh word, but truthfully, what would you label it ? Those who profess love and concern for you, do not tell you things that affect you intimately, keeping secrets because “they don’t want to hurt you”.  I’m calling BULLSHIT. If you were truly my friend, then total honesty would be one gift you would bestow upon our relationship.  I do not ask anymore from the people in my life than I ask of myself.  Sometimes, for whatever reason,  they cannot rise to that level and I understand that its not always in their make up. So I’m willing to give a little slack on some issues.  But one thing I DEMAND is loyalty.  If you cannot have my back and tell me truths I need to be aware of then how can I trust you? I no longer can take for granted that what you say or do is truth anymore. Even on the little shit.

So today I get slammed with a truth about something that affects the heart of my family..one I should have been made aware of.  I find out that some people we have in common on a list in social media  knew of this.  Now some have been on my list for a few years, and they joined her list for some apps.  All well and good I guess, so maybe a little leeway given.  But one specifically hit me because I know the person in a personal way.  They knew things and did not speak up and yet to my face on a daily basis portray themselves as a friend.  This is not a friend..this is one who likes having a good time with you, will take any help offered for their personal crisis, but cannot see that the worry you may have had over a situation could have been alleviated if they had said something.  This is almost as painful as the betrayal of the original situation.  I had a knee jerk reaction and culled half of those we had in common..won’t miss those since we didn’t interact anyway, just on apps, and I don’t play them anymore. But its the others that will take some thought and some reads to decide what to do about.  As for the one that is personally attached…that one will take some real decisions since it not only affects the social thing, but the mundane as well..  yeah yeah..life goes on and all that shit

Personal space

Yeah, I have control issues.  if ya’ll haven’t been paying attention when I’ve told you, surely you have caught on by now.  I like my personal space.  {This} is MY space……………………………………………………………………………………….{that} is YOUR space.  A little anti social?  Perhaps.  But I find I am not really alone in this need for personal space.
In the early 1960’s an american anthropologist by the name of Edward Hall did a research study on just what this space is comprised of and how they work.  He came up with 4 different spaces that all of us carry to some degree.
Intimate Space: This space extends outwards from our bodies up to 18 inches in every direction and only family, pets and closest friends may enter that space.  if it is violated, we get all weirded out.

Personal Space:This space extends from us outwards with a distance of 1.5 feet to 4 feet.  We allow friends and acquaintances in that zone, especially in intimate conversations, but rebuff strangers.

 

Social space: Extends from 4 feet to about 12 feet.  We tend to interact with strangers, new acquaintances .

 

Public space: anything beyond 12 feet and is open to all.

Those are just averages for people and his research still stands today according to leading psychologists.  Some of us are a little more extreme with our need to have boundaries.  Apparently they have decided that the amygdala, that region of the brain that deals with fear, is the culprit and it begins shaping our little bubble of space when we are about 3 or 4.

I think I am an extreme.  My intimate space..very few are allowed to enter, and if one does enter that zone without invitation, like the asshat bundle person at work who thinks he has to lean into my face to speak to me, then I get more than a little cranky..not scared, angry..How dare you invade MY space?  Lucky if you are able to walk away cause it can be so not pretty when someone does that.  I’ve not really thought about why I have issues with this, prolly something from that past I’ve left in the dust, but I don’t dwell on that these days.  And I have to think that majority of my ‘space” is public..because I prefer people to keep their distance.  Yep, it all comes back to that pesky issue about control and personal space.  Maybe I’ll outgrow it…nah, prolly not..think it’s stuck with me :/

Futile words

I have no words.  Well, that isn’t exactly true.  I can write an extraordinary amount of words on endless topics, but what I mean today is that the words I need to come to mind are not here and would mean nothing even if I said them.

You see, this week a couple of my friends have experienced tragedy with children in their lives.  One took his life because he could no longer face the pain in his young existence, the other lost drowned in a tragic accident.  Both friends are grieving and asking why from god, from the universe.  I can say all the words of condolence that one hears, but even to my ears they sound hollow and insincere.  As an empath, I feel their grief and pain deeply, as if there are shards of glass within my heart.  While I can block out most, I still feel their emotions, and it makes me extremely sad.  It also gets me to thinking.  How do those who tend to others as their profession, their “calling” help with tragic losses such as these?  How do they explain to others why children 9 and 6 had to leave this plane? I don’t care to hear the trite”it’s god’s plan”, or “it was their time”. I want real answers, words to offer that make real sense and can help alleviate the pain of those I care about?  Having had words tossed at me when I experienced loss I know how hollow those words sound and just what effect they really have.  I have no connection to those who walk a christian path and have little patience for their usual spiel of why tragedy occurs, but sometimes what they say connects with those seeking answers.  But what of those on other paths?  I don’t know a lot of pagan clergy, or how they work to be honest.  So how to they offer comfort to those they minister to?  Or do they? As I said..I don’t have any idea.  I guess what I want is an easier way to express my sorrow to my friends and offer comfort even if its just to cry with them.  As one who walks both sides of the street so to speak, I do know the spirit side of things to some extent, the confusion of those who come suddenly, the assimilation of finding their way there.  They will be fine, so I turn my attention to those left to grieve, and wonder why.  I just wish there was more I could do to help, but for now to those friends who have heavy hearts, know that I lend my energy to you as I can and love you with all my heart.

Taking charge

I’ve been an observer as of late.  Watching what plays out both in the mundane as well as online.  And a few things have me thinking. People are rethinking their path, their lives, and others have chimed in with their two cents,voicing their opinion, and one has to wonder why.
We are creatures of change.  We are not the same day to day, month to month, hell even five minutes ago.  So parts of our lives change and stay in a state of flux.  Knowing this, I often wonder why we are surprised at new direction.  I am an advocate for introspection..real seeking in our lives..shadow work that gives us a chance to tweak and revamp what works for us and to set aside what no longer does.  Sometimes the things I learned years ago do not apply to my life  today.  They are just unnecessary  substance that fills up the shelves of our cosmos.  How I practice today is not the same.  So what changed?  Myself  is the answer.  I let go some preconceived ideas, tossed aside some judgements, and finally embraced who I am as a person, deciding that my spiritual self needed to become the spark that was reflected by my outward self presented to the world.  Sounds simple huh?  Yeah…so very not.  I found as I was letting go of things that I had incorporated into my path, that in retrospect seems silly in its simplistic view, was actually damn hard to let go.  Not because it didn’t work, but because of the fear.  What if I go this way and it doesn’t work as I intended?  What if I find out halfway through that this is not what I wanted?  What if, oh just what if I was “wrong”?   In truth, if it teaches us a lesson then how can it be wrong? But all these ideas ran through my head(and sometimes still do).  Am I doing this right? Truthfully, if I were to ask those who follow a defined path their answer would be “NO”, since I don’t, many just give me a sideways glance as if to say “I don’t get anything about this shit”.  And I’m fine with that.  Since I began this shadow work of healing myself and moving forward to what fulfills me spiritually, I have learned that this journey is really all about me.  While I care what others think(its a human reaction..can’t completely rid myself of that…yet), I cannot allow that to take precedence over doing what is right for me.  Most of my path is about practice.  that doesn’t mean I have no connection to deity or guides, it just means that what I do is more proactive rather than begging for help.  Yeah..there are those damn control issues again :).

I am the one in charge of this journey.  I construct this path, making mistakes as I go, but that is how I grow.  But I know there will always be those on the outside that will question how and what I believe and do.  My question for them is this:  Who are you to know what makes my soul feel like its connected to the universe?  Are you the one who can free my mind to fly with the elements during the storms in order to land safely after the calm has settled around me? Do you have proof that your way is better for me?  If so, show me that source.  If not, then move the fuck on because I am the one in charge here.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to stand up after looking in the mirror and telling the world..”This is me, take me as I am or keep stepping”.  Some days are easier than others, but that is the beauty of this journey…one never knows what will come up in response.  My only hope for it is that I continue to grow as I move through the chaos and remodeling.  If it seems as if I am not, well then I guess its back to the shadow work to figure out why that is.

So for those who walk as I do, seeking, searching, revamping, my advice is to keep doing what you’re doing.  You and you alone are the only one who can decide what is right for yourself , whether that be a constructed path that has real structure or like mine ,is a little more fluid.  It has to be what feeds your spirit and not what others have decreed you must be.  After all, this is why you are not in a more conservative path for your spirituality, right? So keep walking tall, stand your ground on what feels right for you, and dismiss those naysayers who have no clue as to what you are about.  We are the ones taking charge, and it feels so very right.

tempête parfaite

Broken but not shattered

CRACK!!!!! The glass just seemed to appear in my hand and I threw it with as much force as I had within me.  “Feel better”? a voice behind me asked.  “No.  I fucking well don’t”.  I said. A chuckle mingled with the smell of cigar.  “Then may I suggest you avail yourself of all of these until you do feel better”, was the reply.  I turned and looked and behind me was the tallest mound of glasses I had ever seen.  O looked at him and shook my head.  “Think I need all that”? I asked.  He laughed in return and answered,”Cher I’m not sure its enough yet.  But go ahead and see if it will do”.  With a sweep of his hand, he gestured to the mountain of glass.  I turned and picked up a glass and began throwing, finding glass in my hand as soon as I threw one…Faster and faster it seemed as if there was a wind of glass blowing across the sand.  Finally when I was spent, I sat on the ground, legs crossed, hands on my chin, staring out at all the broken carnage.  “What does this do for you?”, he asked quietly.  “It releases all that chaos energy that is simmering just beneath the seams that if was not able to be used effectively with a working could harm those who could not stand or those that are innocent “.  I said softly.  “I used to do this all the time, even as a child..throw something to break the energy flow then clean it up so that I could restore center”.  “I don’t have the opportunity to do this much anymore.  Maybe that is my problem..no release”.  “Cher, your problem is that you keep it all inside.  When you are angry and working, whew! But when you are in pain, that is where you have your ‘come apart’ as you say”.  You hold it in to keep others from seeing what you perceive to be weakness, yet that reflection in the mirror tells you that there is no truth in that statement”.  He sighed…”O am looking at all the broken glassware, Cher.  Whatever shall we drink from?”, he asked in an amused voice.  I sat up straighter and surveyed the pile in front of us.  It’s broken shards catching reflection of sun here and there shining its prismatic rainbow over our heads.  I laughed.  “Well mon, you the one with the answers”, I jokingly replied.  He laughed.  “You have all the answers, Cher.  I just provide you a means to manifest them at times”.  “The glass was a nice touch”, I replied.  “Indeed.Might have to take that up myself”, he said with a chuckle.  I laughed as well because honestly I cannot see him throwing glass just to hear it break.  Besides, as he said..whatever shall we drink in?  As if I manifested it, another glass appeared in my hands.  Only this time, it was full of fragrant, spicy rum.  I breathed a calm sign and sipped , feeling the heat course down my throat to every fibre of my being.  As we sat in silence looking at the glass and drinking the rum the peace began as a rhythm spilling over us.  “Thank you”, I say quietly.  “De rien”, he said.  “So how do I go about cleaning THIS up”? I wondered.  He cocked his head and looked at me with a smile playing about his lips.  Oh.  right.  I sit my glass down and stand facing the tower of shards.  I stretch my right hand out, and with a small movement, the glass begins to sort itself, moving as in single file into a tight spiral that begins to compact tighter and tighter until it is into minuscule particles until it disappears. I smile in appreciation.  “Nice job, cher”, he says.  I nod then return to my previous seat to finish my drink.   “I will leave you in solitude.  Stay as long as you like” and with that he was gone, leaving the smell of his cigar wafting around my shoulders and a full bottle of rum beside me.  I grin at his generosity.  Yeah, it’s been a hella week, but I am still relatively in one piece and find some center coming back to me.  I pour another round and sit back and watch the sunset with the first twinkling of stars making their debut.  This was a most needed respite.  Bring on the weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relevance? I think not

<<<This makes me crazy.  It is a representation of “The Burning times”.  Why those walking a pagan path feel the need to pull out the “persecution” card ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME. I will never understand.

First of all, MY mortality depends upon me and my appointed time with destiny.  NOT someone else’s view of morality.  Back in the day of those persecuted for witchcraft, (NONE of whom  were actually proven to be witches, but common folk who had the misfortune to be accused and murdered at the hands of the church led state), the accusations were built along superstitions, and the need for attention by some, and greed by others.  In fact, superstition and lack of education causes a great many ills for the community as a whole.  It is suggested by the photo and those that posted it, they are claiming persecution by the christian sect. While I admit that there are some who speak out of their asses and cause problems, the community as a whole cannot be tarred and feathered with the same brush.  But to constantly push this notion of “I don’t believe like you so I’m being persecuted whenever you open your mouth” is more than a little ridiculous.  Of course, as I have observed, it tends to hang around more in those with the love and light brigade ..those who like the idea of being “wiccan” or pagan without a clue as to any history of any definite path or what all it entails.  We had a slight experiment in a group the other day, and someone posted about “the burning times”, and it was on.  The usual drivel came out about persecution of those today who walk differently.  Ok..we call bullshit.  A friend posted a total fabrication as to how this was perpetuated in the past, and omg..it was accepted by those little fluffheads hook line and sinker!  We sit back and think..how good can this get?  So again yet another yarn was posted..”That’s just how I heard it too”.  WTF?!? You did? But she just made that shit up!  Those who have knowledge were sitting shaking their heads and laughing because those little crickets were chiming in with total bullshit.  It’s all about education people! Not the inflaming of those who have no sense.  I see that the same group who’s photo I lifted has posted yet another inflammatory pix.  It really makes me wonder just what is their agenda?  They claim to be pagan news, so why not post something that really pertains to such such as those on the wild Hunt does(I’d mention others but they have strayed too far for me to consider them informative)? Why the need to fan flames of those who have not done research and yet want to hang onto myths? It really boggles the mind how such insanity can continue to thrive, but I guess as long as there are people willing to make a buck by publishing fiction and UPG passed off as fact, there will always be these little flufftarded people running around spouting drivel.
Now before people get their knickers all twisted, let me say that yes…I know that there are places where to be openly pagan is not the best move to make.  But then again, wearing hubcab sized pentagrams around your neck and spouting the rede every chance you get is likely to get you some odd looks even within the pagan community.  Why can it not be about just people?  Why do people have to jump on the persecution train in order to feel justified in walking their path?  Learn a little history folks and then educate yourself some more  about the path you walk.  We aren’t all the same, so some things won’t apply, but respect for each other goes a long way toward solving some of the problems.

Oh..and if you are by chance “sharing” such crap as the picture above, and trying to pass yourself off as “news” for those on a particular path…I hold you to a higher level.  You need to educate yourself before trying to show others how they can walk their path.  You need to be ashamed at keeping walls built and ignorance going on far much longer than it should be.  Check that mirror and do some shadow work as to why you would keep perpetuating myths and inaccuracies in your “sharing” for others. All it does is show your stupidity and lack of respect for your fellow human beings.  Get over it. Get over yourself while you’re at it.  You have no relevance.