I find myself in a quandary today. I woke up in prison. It’s not at if I haven’t always been here, but the reality has finally hit me. I’m in a self created, well maintained prison. And other than a quick exit, I have no idea what to do to open the gates.
This has nothing to do with my spirituality, for those thinking my soul is in danger. It has everything to do with my physical and emotional state. I’ve always been born in the helper role… Giving, carrying, making things easier for others. My ego convinced me that they needed me. My friendship, my knowledge, my help. I was wrong. What they needed was an easy way out.. Someone they could blame if my advice didn’t pan out for them (never mind they may have skipped some steps or changed what I told/showed them to make it easier for them). Either way, they didn’t really need me and when I allowed myself to be convinced they did the doors changed shut as I waked through, never to be opened again.
I thought with the change of jobs things would be different, but while my abilities are often appreciated, it too is because I make someone else’s job easier and they reap the benefits. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the challenge of helping others. But my eyes are opening to certain aspects of that.
I thought with a loss of a great deal of weight (38 lbs and counting) I would feel better about myself, but the old insecurities are still there. I see no beauty (just the scars), an old woman who waited too late to explore certain aspects of her life and allowed the prison to keep real friendships on the outside. No physical interactions allowed because that would mean I have a life. Instead just like in physical prisons everywhere, there is distance in those relationships we cultivate, online, by phone etc. I tried subtly to reach out (maybe it wasn’t too subtle but I’ve never really been an expert at sharing what I need/expect from others). That was greeted with polite rejection then silence. Message received. Puts down the phone.
I’m not sure what to do really other then accept where I am and decide how messy an exit plan I am willing to devse and execute.