musings – Amethyst's Offerings

No longer Hiding

You know, it’s not always easy living in an area known to only have one course of thinking when it comes to faith. That it isn’t exactly a “one size fits all” never occurs to others, but that is the spiel that goes around.

I’m done with that. I’m now just doing my thing, and if others don’t care for it, then so be it.My path has to work for me…whatever that entails.That doesn’t mean I’ve changed how I treat others, or have gone off the deep end. It means that I’m of a certain age and that we each have to live in a way that fulfills us. You say I’m going to hell? I’d have to ask you for your definition. There are instances in my life that I’ve felt like that is where I was walking. If we’re going to talk a biblical reference based upon Dante then I’m going to ask for your proof.

I would think by now, in the time you’ve known me, both online or personally, that your opinion of me doesn’t change, or that you recognize who I am even though our paths don’t always walk in a similar fashion. If by some chance, you can’t see anything other than your own reflection of faith staring back at you, I’ll take my leave and we will speak no more. I can’t and won’t try to change your mindset. What I will do is continue to treat you as I always have and work at strengthening myself in the path that I have chosen. In the end, we’ll both be better for it and a hell of a lot happier.

Je suis qui je suis, votre approbation est pas nécessaire

Reverbs from the week of hell

You know..sometimes the events of the week can almost certainly have a resounding reverberation that carries on throughout the weekend.It feels like to me, that this is where I am at.

BONG! BONG! BONG! The reverb echoes in my head. The stupidity of the week has me wanting to yell at those acting ignorant. I have NO patience. From kids at work who when you speak to them look at you with a blank stare and say HUH? English Mother fucker! Do you speak it? The job is not hard..take a bundle, match it with other parts that carry the same number to the next job. It doesn’t require a master’s degree and yet it was a total mess affecting my work, my temper and my all around psyche. The problem with that is that it lingers as if its some damn virus one cannot shake. Everything pisses me off. Stupid memes that it seems everyone is sharing, saying. I want to yell..”I get it! It was cute the first couple of times..now get the fuck over it!”Then those posting stupid, inflammatory shit that are wrong, pointed out that its wrong and yet they toss down the gauntlet that they can say and do as they please. Yes they can..but does that mean they have to subject everyone to their ignorance? And don’t even get me started on those claiming to love god and be a good christian when everything about their life is a contradiction of that particular faith. They only play the god card when things around them start falling apart and their stress level goes beyond what they can handle. Now I have nothing against people using their faith to cope..it is intended to give up a foundation upon which to stand to keep balance in our lives. What I have a problem with are those who use it when its convenient for them to cry “god”. I have no patience for the paper bag religion…take out what you need when you feel its a good time to use it, instead of making a cohesive commitment to your faith.
All this has left me with a headache and short on patience with no fucks given to those I ditch or tell off. Not always the best thing when you have to work with some, live with some or just come into contact with them (avoid jail at all cost)…So what is a seriously pissed bitchy witch to do? I could get shit faced I guess, but that is only a temporary fix…the best for me is to step back, limit interaction with those I know will piss me off, cull the lists on social media, and find a place to mellow out to regroup for the coming week.

Grinchy holidays

There was a time when I loved holidays. The gathering of family, friends with no other place to go made Thanksgiving a day filled with too much food, tons of laughter, plenty to drink, football, games played. A day enjoyed by all in true southern style. Christmas…the lights, candies, cookies, gifts to neighbors, friends, special things bought for family to see that smile of amazement come across their face. That was a perfect day for me.
When did it change? I guess when the dynamics of family changed. I lost my brother, then both parents. Children moved off, their children scattered so that I don’t get to see them like I used to. It saddens me. Leaves me with feeling of depression, being unappreciated and just an all around scrooge.

But I’ve been paying attention to others as they too have their come apart about holidays and family, and have decided to suck it up, and make this season one about loving those that are around me. Watching the look on the face of a special child as she unwraps gifts she has specifically asked for. I don’t want my attitude about things to diminish another’s happiness in the day. It’s unfair of me, and hurts people unnecessarily. Even if I have to step back and just observe others from the periphery to preserve that for them, then I will do so. It’s the least I can for others.

Now where did I put that rum?

Dealing with grief

Grief is grief even if its not over something tangible. We still have to go through the steps of letting go, setting aside what was in order to get to the what will become.

There are stages that one has to go through and I’ve listed them for those who may need to recognize them in the losses you may have had or are having in your life:

Shock and Denial: It’s often hard to believe that what just happened really did. Whether it’s an unexpected death, a job loss, loss of material possession or even violation of a sacred trust. We often want so badly to deny this actually occurred, that it’s hard to wrap our minds around it, that it causes a great deal of pain.

Pain and Guilt: After the shock wear off, we are hit with the pain. It is often manifested into a physical one, causing the stress to make us ache, we become ill,unable to focus. They physical emotional pain also cause problems and one can be tempted to dull that with an outside lubricant to coat it and make it more manageable with drugs or alcohol or even sleep.

Anger and Bargaining: After some of the pain wears down to a manageable force, we become angry. Angry at the situation, angry that others are walking around breathing when we are so bereft. Angry at even the person who left us. Angry even at ourselves. How could we have allowed ourselves to become so involved that we are left feeling like this? It can also resort to bargaining. Asking the universe, god whomever has the power to change things, to bring them back, to let you go with them…Not happening of course, but its a valid emotion in us frail humans.

Depression, reflection, loneliness: Just when you think life has come to an even keel…we begin reflecting. Thinking about our lives, how it feels with the loss, the emptiness that is there since there is now a void. Don’t try and set this part aside. Well-meaning people will tell you “suck it up” , and move on since life hasn’t stopped. The thing is..this type of reflection is good for us. It helps us evaluate where we are and how to move forward. In the aftermath of when the loss occurred, things are usually in a whirlwind of movement and we haven’t had a chance to latch on to what our feelings actually are or how to deal with them. You could become so grief stricken that you feel you cannot move forward, and center into a depressive state. That is when its time to find someone to help you..Nobody said you had to deal with grief alone. A trusted friend, family, even professional can be helpful. For myself..I write. It clears the storm from my head and heart and I can set it to private and later on when settled go back and see just how far I have come in my finding balance again.

Acceptance: There is a lot of reconstructive work to go through to get to this place. There is no time limit set. Everyone has their own time frame. Does it mean you will ever get over the loss? Nope..what it does mean is that you can learn to accept that the loss is there and find a way to live life again, with happiness, love and meaning.

We’ve all experienced loss of one kind or another. Those in the northeast have lost material things, family members, peace of mind. they will have to move through these steps as they rebuild their lives. It’s not an easy task, but can be done. For me, the loss of trust, is one that is the most difficult. Those who have held a sacred place within one’s inner core and callously violate it…that is a pain that is harder to deal with. Physical pains heal, materials can be replaced, people who leave us will be remembered..but trust is hard to rebuild. It too, has to work its way through the stages of grief and allow us to become whole. I sometimes have to remember that like any other part of my life, time and moving through the process allows for the healing. We all need that reminder from time to time.

We don’t need another hero

My apologies to the great Tina Turner, for swiping the title to her song. But it seemed to fit where my thoughts were going today.

We’ve all seen the Chicken Littles. Those people who after having been hit on the head by an acorn, run around searching for “someone”to come and save them from the falling sky. These are the people who step out into areas they have no idea of how it works and get into trouble then demand a lifeline. “Help me”! I hear over and over again, as do others, from people who will NOT listen to those more experienced who warn them to not go into the deep end. “But I can do this..I know what to expect…I can be like you. Hey we’ll make it a party and meet up in the Otherworlds..that will be cool right?” NO. They don’t listen. What happens? They end up doing what was told that they should not do and end up out there on the ledge barely clinging to sanity, seeking medical help from those who only know how to write for drugs because they refuse to believe that the Otherworld exists. Is there help for them? Yes. Apologize to those they pissed off across the divide, and close the door. Then work on regaining some balance into their lives, letting go of all the role playing they’ve been into and going out into the sunshine and experiencing some real connections with others. You’ll notice that I made no mention of anyone else doing this? That is because personal responsibility decrees that YOU brought this shit to your door..YOU dismiss it. It doesn’t belong to anyone else. And don’t get me started on those who work without once thinking of protecting themselves then wonder why they have company. Be careful what you ask for cause you may just get it…sort of.

What about those IRL(IN Real Life) who whine about everything in their lives from lack of finances, abusive people in their lives, yet stay in their situation without making a move to change it, or spending money frivolously then complaining the next minute how broke they are. For myself, it’s easy enough to say..if you are being treated less than you are worth, then move the hell on. Tell your fears to take a hike and use it as the impetus to make yourself stronger and become whole. If you can’t pay your bills, then set yourself a budget, writing down every dime you spend, doing without sodas, breakfast,lunch,dinner out, or going to fairs, entertainments like movies etc. When you can pay all your bills and breathe without feeling stressed at not having lights on or gas for your car to get to work, then and only then can you treat yourself. It’s common sense people. Nobody needs to show you the way “home”. I see all the ads for companies that want to help you get out of debt(for a price–always a string attached)…It’s like nobody has ever told these people using the services that you do not outspend what you do not have. Bills get paid first, kids needs come next. Why? because it’s called being an adult…personal responsibility. No matter what side of the divide we find ourselves on, it is our personal responsibility to make sure that what we do doesn’t come back to bite us in the ass, leaving us to whine and cry expecting someone to swim out and save us. We don’t need another hero people, we just need to grow the fuck up.

ice within

I am sitting on a rock in the dark. I an in my favorite spot to meditate by the ocean high upon the cliffs but do not usually come here in the dark. Unless things around me seem frayed. I don’t feel frayed really, more of a discontent from sitting instead of working and a way to feel connected instead of feeling like I am floating in the cosmos. And yet, here I am in the “thinking” spot, in the dark. I pull my cloak around me to shield myself from the cold that is drifting in. I think that’s odd because it is usually comfortable here when I come since extreme temps can distract me from finding the balance I come looking for. But then, I don’t usually come in the dark either. So why am I here? At this point I can only speculate.

“Nice to see you looking well Cher”, says a familiar voice. I smile as I turn around to face one that I have not seen for some time. “I’ve missed you Brother”, I tell him. “I would offer to hug you, but…” his voice trails as he shrugs. I know that the cold will seep into my bones if I were to do so, but I have missed him dearly and reach for him, pulling him close in an embrace. At once the cold begins to invade my bones, and he pushes me back gently. “Can’t have you chilled”, he laughs. So we move to a space out of the winds that seem to have arrived with him and take shelter within a small area with a ledge overhand that blocks the chill. “You taking care of me now”? I tease. He laughs and says seriously..”You are my bridge back and forth, can’t allow you to be harmed”. So I sit with my back against a rock, relaxing as he lights a small fire for me. I smile as I think of how often on mundane plane he must have done so. Soon he is satisfied and comes to sit beside me. We begin to talk… of my life, his existence and what things feel like for each of us as we traverse our way. “So tell me why the disconnect”, he asks. “What disconnect”, I ask? He sighs and shakes his head. “You are pulling away Cher…from people, from those who could/would help you. I want to know why”. I honestly have no idea and tell him this. It’s a dissatisfaction with things in general..the mundane, the spiritual. With myself. I tell him that since I have no clue as to why the disconnect, I really do not have a way to fix it. “Why don’t you talk to those who are already connected to you”. I sigh. How to explain that old habits have crept in..the “I don’t want to bother/worry you” habit that keeps me silent and removed. I feel like I’m hanging out in limbo somewhere..wanting to smash things to break the silence of the bubble that is around me…But just how does one fix that? “There are no easy fixes”, he tells me…”you know that. But to not avail yourself of those who would listen as you spin, can be helpful because they might see some things you don’t.”. “And what if I don’t want them to see? You know I hate mirrors”, I laugh. He shakes his head. “And will use sarcasm as a weapon of deflection every.time.” I look down at my hands, my rings reflecting the light of the fire. He takes my hand where the ring of tiger’s eye sits. He smiles. “You wear that ring as I once did. Did I tell you it was made on the reservation?” Yes , he had told me. “Did I tell you that I had it blessed by the medicine man of the tribe after I went though the spiritual purification? No, he had not done so. “I always wore it because of that spiritual connection to the earth and blessing. You wear it in remembrance. Now I ask you to open and allow that blessing to surround you. To allow its healing warmth to draw you back to first knowledge, love and connection”. The tears fall even now as they did within my dream as I hear his words to me and feel the blessing that was placed within a small piece of silver and stone. I had only thought of it and held it as a direct connection to one that I had loved with all of my being and lost too soon, and now here he was letting me know that it holds so much more. He waits until I compose myself to again take my hand. “I am always close and I know that you can find me should you need me to listen, Miss walker between the worlds”, he gently teases. “Don’t allow the walls you build get so high that you cannot look over them or keep you from moving forward. I know that you value your privacy and use it as protection. Don’t allow it to become the way you live life because others love to see your light”. I smile through my tears. “You know being an adult sucks sometimes right?”. He laughs. “I wouldn’t know. You always told me that I wasn’t one”. He ducks from my pretend punch. We both laugh. Some things never change.
Too soon he has to leave. “Stay by the fire”, he says. “If things haven’t changed, you will still want to think and this will be more comfortable”. He places a kiss on my forehead and makes his way back into the shadows. I want to call him back. It’s selfish I know, to want to keep him with me, when he has things to do. he can’t be here on the mundane and I can’t stay within the shadows. Brin soon joins me and sits beside me. I curl up next to her, feeling comfort in the protection of her nearness. She begins to sing me to sleep with the song of old that even though I do not know the words, still fills my heart, melting the ice that I feel within my bones. It’s a start I guess. No clue as to how long it will take to find level ground, but I’ll make it. Maybe it IS time to make some changes with the new year rolling in…we’ll see. Until then, the status quo will exist for a bit I guess until I get sick of myself.

And the flames burn

Sometimes one just has to burn it all down and begin again. Those who create, either with words or physical medium understand that sometimes what we wrought is not exactly what we intended. So it has been for me as of late. Nothing I’ve tried has been of any use to me other than to frustrate the hell out of me and to stress me further than the week in hell has done. I’ve not had the patience to sit and take up my threads which actually fills me with peace as I see what develops, I can’t write..well I have, but that sucked as those who chose to see them took them, picked them apart to the carcass and decided what they meant instead of what was the intent. Dismay did not even begin to cover how I felt. It’s almost like seeing a masterpiece desecrated in the name of “improving” it. Contributed to my monumental headache. What to do? Shake my head, say fuck them and their biased closed minds and close that avenue of posting because who cares , right? This. This..This…is my safe haven that I have actually neglected for the other site, and I almost feel guilty because of that. A dear friend provided this safe haven where I can come and clear my head without asshats chiming in unless I care to allow them to do so. Sanctuary. It’s being provided to me on every level. I’ve been to see Maman, who as always soothes my spirit. Brin is close by, singing me to sleep to help me rest. George and Mr. Kitty, they hunt those who dare to spew their crap this direction…and me? I sit and watch the flames from within the circle I have created. They climb higher and higher, burning blue, red and orange. Little sparks snap into the air as if creating a song of the heart. All that is too be removed is being done, so there isn’t much to do except watch the flames burn. And maybe have a drink 🙂

Grow up Peter Pan

Ok, show of hands, who has refused to become adult? Plenty of us I dare say, but there comes a time in life when we simply MUST step up to the plate and deal with things on an adult level.

I have problems with those people who refuse to either accept responsibility for their actions, or make excuses for those around them. You know the type that when they are stressed beyond belief and those who are involved in their lives, wont do jack to help alleviate some of that and the excuse is”well, they work hard”, or “I just didn’t want to bother them”.. Or those who claim a “close relationship” with family and yet cannot tell them they are on that last damn nerve. Why not? You rant, vent about it to others on social media all the time and yet you don’t want to stand up and voice that complaint to the person who could help? Why do you stay in child mode and not speak up as the professed “adult” you are? Makes no sense to me. I also take issue with those who are stuck in child mode. Ya’ll have seen them..the ones who purposely mispronounce words that as an adult they should damn well know or speak with a babyish sing song voice that nobody over the age of three uses.They have a tendency to repeat verbatim things other people spout off and yet do not even consider just how stupid it sounds coming out of their mouth. They refuse to admit it even and still carry a simplified child like view of the world. You know, just little FYI..life isn’t all black and white..there are shades of gray when one seeks to walk within reality and colors galore when you expand your view.
Believe me, there are days when this adult would readily join the six year old who lives with me and back the rest of the world the fuck off , but I think I might have been born into this lifetime old so the ancient journey still continues and I have things that require my attention, both in the mundane as well as Elsewhere. I don’t have time to whine and bitch(although I do sometimes to people who allow me to do so when that need arises). Mostly I vent via this blog and shake my head at all the children I seem to encounter lately. maybe I’m going to be older that I realized on my quickly approaching birthday? Or maybe it’s all those lessons I’ve been forced to listen to from those who guide my steps. I can’t honestly say for sure. what I do know is that I am getting damned tired of those who refuse to grow the hell up. so for those of you who cross my path and still want to pretend you are in Neverland…word of warning..i might be inclined to help you get there. 🙂

Chickadee

I am alone. Seems to be how I spend my time as of late, both in the mundane as well as in the dreaming. I am in my favorite place to meditate. High on the cliff overlooking the ocean. There is a path to my left where I can walk down to the beach if I wish and walk the beach or gather shells or even splash in the waves if I choose, but none of that interests me right now. I feel cold..Not just physically, but inside as well . Depressed? Maybe. But its more of a need to want to yell at the stupidity I see that keeps perpetuating itself on a daily basis. I thought I protected myself better..maybe I have been too lax at not keeping the webs pulled tight so that others cannot cross them. ~shrugs~ Whatever the issue is..it pulls on me and I feel the need to retreat. There are those I could ask for an assist, but they have enough going on right now, so I tough it out…not like it’s not unfamiliar territory. So I sit and watch the waves.

“Come climb to my branches Chickadee,” says the tall pines. ” I will gather you close and caress you until you are feeling stronger. ” I smile at the thought of having my face stroked by the feathered branches of a pine tree that stands to remind me of being grounded and connected to the earth. I smile my gratitude at the tree and thank it for the offer. But I cannot accept, because to give in would leave me feeling weak and I hate that feeling even more than when I’m feeling this disquiet within me.

“Come fly with me chickadee”, says a voice high above me. I look up and see a shadow soaring over the waves , silhouetted against the sun. A hawk dips and soars through the clouds as if he is a kite untethered on the winds. “I will allow you to feel the winds upon your face, see the sun up close and we can soar and travel as far as the eye can see”. The thought occurs to me that this would be most pleasant actually…the idea of running off and leaving what causes the chaos in my life. But the practicality of it all…yeah that sense of responsibility that seems to be deep seated within my genes wont allow me to do that. Besides, I would probably turn into Icarus flying so close to the sun and fall into the ocean itself to drown.

“Come dance in the waves, Chickadee”, says a voice far below me. I look and see a vision of perfection just nearing the waters edge. She holds a hand aloft as she waves at me. Beautiful in her bronze colored dress, her brown skin shining like the finest of chocolate. I smile as I remember the taste of the honey when last we spoke. “Come and we will dance among the waves and feel how much love surrounds us”. I would love to I tell myself, but there is always payment required and I have no offering of honey or perfume to give her for her love and help when I require it.

I continue to sit as the night begins to fall around me, turning the air cooler. It begins to rain, causing me to become even further chilled. Suddenly I feel warmth. I look around and find that one who loves me and guides me has brought my cloak so that I may continue to sit and contemplate things without becoming ill. I realize it is beginning to rain harder and so I cast a protection around myself and Brin. She looks askance at me and I tell her, “I know that you are immune to weather, but I could not hardly sit here in the weather and know that you are here because I am and are getting wet. I continue speaking. “I don’t know why you can’t just tell me what it is I am supposed to be learning here. “What the hell am I doing?” She lifts an eyebrow and looks at me sadly. I continue, crying as I do so. “Why am I not supposed to know how to do things? what is the purpose of relearning things I have always known but do not use?” “It’s hard and I feel like I am hanging out here on this web all by myself because people have no damn clue why I do what I do..hell I’m not even sure I do”. I continue to cry and feel Brin put her arms around me and pull me close. I can feel her grieve for and with me because she knows that no matter how much I am hurting now, it will pass, because realist that I am, know I still have much to learn and work to do. I see a tear slide down her face, and land upon my hand. A beautiful amethyst tear. I begin to pull myself together because this guide , my friend who has been with me for so long..longer than I can remember, is hurting for me because she cannot break her oath..to those who gave her to me..she is to guide..not tell me everything. she cannot even make decisions for me, just help me clean up the mess when I fuck up..and I seem to do that often. “I’m sorry Brin”, I tell her. I’ll be fine. “. We sit a while longer and watch the foam appear on the waves and the shadows creep in as night falls. I feel somewhat better. I didn’t solve any major issues, but sometimes one just has to separate yourself from others to cry out about all the perceived injustices of being the responsible party…the adult if you will. some days that sucks sewer water, and is most damned unfair.

FADE TO BLACK

What are you growing in your garden?

I read…a lot. Either here online or actual books. It’s always been a way of escape for me, stretching the boundaries of my mind, entertaining me, educating me. Sometimes though, the things I read or see just floor me. They fill me with a sense of confusion. What are we doing? Just what type of humanity are we cultivating? As a gardener of sorts, and having watched masters growing up of grandparents who paid attention to the land and their crops, I make sure what I put in my little plot of earth actually will thrive and make the area a better place. So it is in our personal lives.
I’ve watched the news where yet another shooting has taken place..this time at a Sikh temple, killing 6 and the shooter being taken out by a police officer. 7 people losing their lives because of hatred and ignorance. Sikh’s are often associated with Islam because of the dress, but they have different view points. The reasoning for this tragedy hasnt shown itself yet, but will as the dust clears. So. much.ignorance.

There was also a news story I’ve read, and also watched on the local news of a predominately white church that a black couple attended would not allow them to be married there. Wait. what? You won’t allow two people who attend the church(but are not members) to be married there even though the preacher you paid agreed to it because of their race? Do you not realize what year this is? Do you not realize what this does to the faith you profess? Even after they were married at another church down the road(the south is littered with churches at ever street corner) by the pastor of the first church, the pain and humiliation caused by those who claim to be of a faith of love will be hard to erase. It’s been said that as a white woman I would not possibly understand..perhaps not..but I sure know stupid when I see it. I can see how human beings are denigrated and reduced to less than human. I have eyes to see the fear, rage, pain, sorrow on the faces and in the hearts of those forced to undergo such ignorance. I also read energies and can feel that pain. So while I may not have endured that particular point of stupidity, do not insult me by telling me I don’t understand. There may be injustices in MY world you wont comprehend on anything more than an intellectual level either, but I wont discount your right to feel empathy for another human being and reach out with a hand of kindness.

The more I look around me at the hatred spewed by those who profess love and faith, it always amazes me that its the exact opposite that comes across. It isn’t the majority but the select, prolifically vocal who tilt the view askew, making it seem like one is looking through a kaleidoscope and nothing seems as it should be. Do they not read their own book? In Isaiah 61:3 it tells them to become as the tree of righteousness in order to glorify god. To be righteous, would be to follow the edicts of their faith, that includes the main commandment to love their fellow man as themselves in order to reflect the love of god. Seems more than a little contrary to some of the messages I have been hearing as well as seeing around me. I know that many in the pagan world do not follow any such rules, but how about if one is claiming to be a connection of universal energy…could you not make a case of treating your fellow humans with respect . That means if they choose to not live as you do, believe as you do or even look like you, you treat them as you wish to be treated. Even if one doesnt follow a christian path, that one commandment transcends any faith..We are ONE race..HUMAN. and as such should make a directed effort to act accordingly. If your mama didn’t teach you any manners, try cultivating some. You don’t like your neighbors skin tone, either accept that they are different or move the hell out of that particular place. But dont expect others to respect you if you arent willing to reciprocate. Life is short. Try experiencing it without judgments, racism or ignorance. You might actually find it more peaceful.