Category: musings

So I post a lot on other social networks, and often times its just silly sarcastic stuff.  But every once in awhile, something comes that can start thought provoking conversations.  Such was the occasion today.  The post was of a mirror and the question asked was : Imagine if a mirror has the ability to show you as you really are..would you dare look? Most of us would want to look, but how often are we willing to see the real us beneath our masks? We always show a side of ourselves to others, to the world at large, even to those who think they know us well.  But when presented with having to acknowledge a part of us that might not be so pretty or that could be acknowledged as destructive or unproductive, would we be strong enough to look and conceded that there might be some things that need tweaking.

We all wear masks.  Its our safety net, if you will,to protect us from those who presume that they know us better than we do ourselves.  Sometimes we even wear them when we are doing our “soul searching”.  It’s hard to admit to even ourselves that there are things that  we are not perfect.  That what we do or say has consequences and repercussions in our daily lives.  For instance, “why can’t I find a guy who loves me for myself”..Perhaps its the company you keep…you know the ones who stay in the bars, dont pay their child support or hold a steady job.  If they didnt do that with the mother of their child, what makes you think they will do so with you? Why not aim for a higher class of guy. . .say perhaps, one with a job, a vehicle and likes hanging out watching movies with you because he likes the way you laugh at his corny jokes.  Damn…must be boring huh?   I often get frustrated with people who refuse to admit their value and settle for less. What made you think when you got married, you would be the one to provide the total support of the home, the care of the children, the slave to his every whim? that isn’t marriage..it’s a form of emotional abuse. and nobody deserves that.  I see people who refuse to speak up and put an end to that.  It makes me angry because I see their value.  But its not my choice.  I cannot make them change. Even if what I see would change their life for the better, or make them happier.  It is not my choice. I cannot stress that enough.  I have enough problems with the truths of my life which is no where near perfect.  It’s not that I don’t try to make it that way, but I am honest enough to admit that sometimes I suck at it.  But at least I get a new start every day so that’s always a plus.

We also wear masks and blinders in our paths as well.  I mean if we do so in the mundane, why not the spiritual ,right?  Sometimes people have the strangest idea of what we should be doing to keep us from being harmed, in their view, by the path we walk.  But I have to question their sincerity.  Is it really for our benefit that they choose to wield power to correct that or is it theirs?  Is it their power trip of playing savior that causes them to question the validity of what we do?  Sometimes we do  tend to get caught up in the shineys and other things that others before us decree we “must” have in order for the gods to hear us. When in truth, we just need to stand still and listen as they begin to tell us what they expect from us.  Wow..what a simple concept..listening.  Only we don’t always do we?  We hear what we want to especially when it is not what we want to hear.  We are alone in finding our own way on whatever path we choose to walk. We cannot and must not allow the arguments and persuasion of others sway us from what is truly our destiny.  they are not deity.  they do not have any power beyond the veil to change things for us.  That is between us and any entity we work with.  Any changes that occur are ours to make.  Nobody else’s, even if they wish it to be different. For others to speak and tell us that they could do so, or that we are wrong in our approach really pisses me off actually.  It’s not their life.  Not their path nor are they in charge of our destiny.  It is not their choice, nor do I need to allow them that privilege.

So its time to take a good look in that mirror.  A good hard honest look.  We don’t have to like what we see under that mask, but we do have to be honest at what is there. Is it time to let some things go?  Is it time to tweak some things here or there to make how we live a little more productive? Whatever we see, its time to be truthful to ourselves.  We deserve that. It is time we value what is truly us…that true woman or man that is worthy of respect, love and honesty from those in our lives, and most importantly from ourselves.

enlever le masque et de recevoir votre vérité

Yeah, I have control issues.  if ya’ll haven’t been paying attention when I’ve told you, surely you have caught on by now.  I like my personal space.  {This} is MY space……………………………………………………………………………………….{that} is YOUR space.  A little anti social?  Perhaps.  But I find I am not really alone in this need for personal space.
In the early 1960’s an american anthropologist by the name of Edward Hall did a research study on just what this space is comprised of and how they work.  He came up with 4 different spaces that all of us carry to some degree.
Intimate Space: This space extends outwards from our bodies up to 18 inches in every direction and only family, pets and closest friends may enter that space.  if it is violated, we get all weirded out.

Personal Space:This space extends from us outwards with a distance of 1.5 feet to 4 feet.  We allow friends and acquaintances in that zone, especially in intimate conversations, but rebuff strangers.

Social space: Extends from 4 feet to about 12 feet.  We tend to interact with strangers, new acquaintances .

Public space: anything beyond 12 feet and is open to all.

Those are just averages for people and his research still stands today according to leading psychologists.  Some of us are a little more extreme with our need to have boundaries.  Apparently they have decided that the amygdala, that region of the brain that deals with fear, is the culprit and it begins shaping our little bubble of space when we are about 3 or 4.

I think I am an extreme.  My intimate space..very few are allowed to enter, and if one does enter that zone without invitation, like the asshat bundle person at work who thinks he has to lean into my face to speak to me, then I get more than a little cranky..not scared, angry..How dare you invade MY space?  Lucky if you are able to walk away cause it can be so not pretty when someone does that.  I’ve not really thought about why I have issues with this, prolly something from that past I’ve left in the dust, but I don’t dwell on that these days.  And I have to think that majority of my ‘space” is public..because I prefer people to keep their distance.  Yep, it all comes back to that pesky issue about control and personal space.  Maybe I’ll outgrow it…nah, prolly not..think it’s stuck with me :/

I have no words.  Well, that isn’t exactly true.  I can write an extraordinary amount of words on endless topics, but what I mean today is that the words I need to come to mind are not here and would mean nothing even if I said them.

You see, this week a couple of my friends have experienced tragedy with children in their lives.  One took his life because he could no longer face the pain in his young existence, the other lost drowned in a tragic accident.  Both friends are grieving and asking why from god, from the universe.  I can say all the words of condolence that one hears, but even to my ears they sound hollow and insincere.  As an empath, I feel their grief and pain deeply, as if there are shards of glass within my heart.  While I can block out most, I still feel their emotions, and it makes me extremely sad.  It also gets me to thinking.  How do those who tend to others as their profession, their “calling” help with tragic losses such as these?  How do they explain to others why children 9 and 6 had to leave this plane? I don’t care to hear the trite”it’s god’s plan”, or “it was their time”. I want real answers, words to offer that make real sense and can help alleviate the pain of those I care about?  Having had words tossed at me when I experienced loss I know how hollow those words sound and just what effect they really have.  I have no connection to those who walk a christian path and have little patience for their usual spiel of why tragedy occurs, but sometimes what they say connects with those seeking answers.  But what of those on other paths?  I don’t know a lot of pagan clergy, or how they work to be honest.  So how to they offer comfort to those they minister to?  Or do they? As I said..I don’t have any idea.  I guess what I want is an easier way to express my sorrow to my friends and offer comfort even if its just to cry with them.  As one who walks both sides of the street so to speak, I do know the spirit side of things to some extent, the confusion of those who come suddenly, the assimilation of finding their way there.  They will be fine, so I turn my attention to those left to grieve, and wonder why.  I just wish there was more I could do to help, but for now to those friends who have heavy hearts, know that I lend my energy to you as I can and love you with all my heart.

It’s been a weird, loooong week for me…work issues, car trouble, just long week.  It’s caused me to be somewhat little more snarky(yeah like ya’ll thought that was even possible) and less willing to give others benefit of the doubt on their comments.

For instance, in a group that I belong to there are just a couple that this past couple days has more than gotten under my skin.  Ok, I have freely admitted that I am less patient than the norm, but seriously to have one go through and like every post that myself and others have made is more than a little creepy and a whole lot of stalker fodder.  I don’t know them personally, have no idea who they are, nor do I care to add them to any list I currently have in play.  It’s like they are trying too hard to fit in , in a wyrd sort of way and that won’t happen over night nor will it happen any time soon.  I and others have a limited set and often don’t play well with others.  Hell we sometimes even step on each other inadvertently,but we always work to fix that since we care for and respect one another to let that stand.  So I think they need to sit back, watch how things progress and get to know all the parties involved before stepping in it any more than they have already.  The other?  Oh, well she is one of those love and light, heal the world kind of people.  You know..the ones who make me gag at their simplistic view of the world.  I have a dear friend who is often a Pollyanna, but she knows full well the way things are in the real world. she just chooses to not let it affect her or how she does her job.  The one from the group expects us all to toe the line of respect(which is a good thing), and harm none(which is totes bullshit).  She took offense at how some questions were directed at someone else…none of her business really and the questions were not abusive, but direct and brutally honest in their demand for serious answers.  Now, as someone who speaks truth quite often without tying it up in pretty wrappings and bows and giving others a spoon full of sugar to wash it down, I can appreciate that not all find it so appealing to have it put in that manner.  But the truth needed to be spoken, and the real issues at hand be brought into the forefront so that all knew what was involved and could respond accordingly.  So why all the whining about how “bad” it was that the OP was treated?  Because as this self proclaimed “Queen of Bees” stated, people need to love one another and respect other’s opinions.  Nice.  But the OP didn’t voice an opinion.  she was conducting her own informal survey about what pagans think to get a general idea on what to use in her online spiritual(for lack of a better word) shop.  I really had to laugh at the queen of bees label because in nature..she is responsible for the hive and yet if she fails to help it thrive, the workers in the colony dispense with her services and they all select another.  So she better be damn good at what she does.  If, as I believe, she was making a play on words using  the “queen of B”as bitches then I’d have to say that again she was mistaken because in that group alone ,I know several who can give her a damn good run for her money and make her look like she belongs in kindergarten.   We aren’t much for labels in there anyway.  We all recognize who and what we are.  Mutual respect is given as it is earned.  Do I respect that as a human being, you have a right to live and believe as you will?  Absolutely.  Do I HAVE  to give you respect because you chose to come into a group and spout what you believe even if there was nothing valid to back it up?  Nope.  Not a snowball’s chance in hell that will happen.  We belive in source, information that gives us all better understanding of the topic at hand.  But many of us also walk a path that is full of UPG(unverifiable personal gnosis).  We state that up front when we speak of our personal experiences, so as not to muddy the waters of the topic at hand.  So this self proclaimed “healer, etc” speaks up and decides to play David to the supposed Goliaths in the room as if her tiny stones will steer the conversation toward the love and light shore.  Yeah, not gonna happen there because most of us live in the real world of balance and all that saccharine just gives us cavities.

So then I come to the last example of the lack of patience directed at people.  Those who make excuses for EVERY.DAMN.THING.  If there is an event that they might not want to go, or after saying they will, they think up several reasons why they cannot go…excuse.  Or if someone needs help, and they offered it, then decided that to go play elsewhere was a better idea….excuse.  The problem is that they cannot see that they do this quite often. . for the way people act, the reason something did not go according to plan, just little shit but it creates a pattern.  One, that if they were to look in the mirror, would be as obvious as it is to those around them.  So I shake my head, and walk away because to respond would definitely cause problems that I don’t care to shoulder, but will definitely limit my interaction with some of these people in the future.

So bright spot to this week?  There have been small ones.  My sister offering her help with car issues even though she has been seriously ill as of late.  My daughter coming to the rescue even though she has job to go to as well.  The princess who gives her love and laughter even when I have reached a stress limit that was way too much at times.  Good thing I have meds to help somewhat and friends who let me be as snarky as I liked and helped me laugh when I needed it.  Trip to the swamp to just revel in the TLC given there..but then, that’s another post I guess :).  So, with drink in hand, I salute an end to this week, and look with promise to next because I am definitely through with the chaos ..on to rebuilding.
à votre santé

I have been observing people lately.  That in of itself is not unusual, because it’s an old habit of mine and it’s served me well when I choose to read others.  What I have seen are those who portray themselves one way and then pervert themselves to fit another’s mold.

I see it every day with people who live as they choose, speak as they will and sit on a church pew every day the doors are open(and living here in the south that is pretty damn often).  But in reality, they treat people with such disdain and a lack of respect in both their actions and their words that it makes one to vow never to step foot into whatever denominational building they belong to.  They act, when they think  others are looking, all sweet and kind on the surface and yet let you walk away and you become fodder for that sharp tongue .  It’s crazy how they feel that what they do isn’t of any importance because as they say “god will forgive them”.  Good luck with that.  Because as I understand the book that I’ve read..you know the one that is given as instruction to your particular faith, supposed to be from holy men?…that one is supposed to treat others as yourself..hungry, then feed them, need shelter, provide a means to make that happen, in need of love..give that too..without expecting a damn thing in return.  Why?  Because we are ONE race..HUMAN.  They do not seem to be able to grasp the  ONE simple concept given by the one they  worship  as the standing tenet of their faith.  Love UNCONDITIONALLY.  Not decide that if they look, speak, dress, live, worship, love etc as they do, then and only then can they embrace them in love. Just hard for me to wrap my brain around the things they do in the name of god.

And I am finding that I have a real issue with those who walk other paths as well.  Like those who talk the talk, claim affiliation to one path, deriding those who don’t follow like them, and then for the sake of the almighty dollar, doing a 180 and sounding like many other pagan authors looking to shill their works.  That is not to say all authors are sell outs, they aren’t.  Some truly want to put forth accurate information while making a little extra pocket money.  But one has to wonder about the authenticity of those who speak out of both sides of their mouths when they give “information” to others.  Just what is their agenda?  To fill the coffers? Gain prestige? Notoriety?  Probably some of all of the above.  But  if one cannot be true to self then what is the point?  You might as well not have any spiritual path,  and write, speak, teach etc whatever you wish without any regard given to those who follow those words for guidance.  That to me is unethical on so many levels. It violates my own personal ethics as a pagan as well as a human being, because I was always taught “to whom much is given, much is required”.  So it is when we choose to speak up and offer guidance.  If your path that you followed is no longer relevant, I have no issue with that.  Many practitioner has changed and tweaked things as they grow.  But if you are still going to claim that path and speak in favor of something that you once overwhelmingly labelled bullshit, then one can understand those who look askance at your motivation.  There are also those who yell blue murder about their works that they themselves offered publicly without thought, and now want to cry foul over  others using it without credit or monetary remuneration.  Why the change?  Well imho, it all comes down to placing themselves in the middle of the relevant conversations of plagiarism and copyright that other authors(including this blog and others) have had to contend with. Their own pathetic views, while once filled with great belief of empowerment for women have long since lost its luster and refused to grow and change as time moved on.  So now they are simply irrelevant to many who are coming to the path in a more enlightened world, and are trying to grab whatever attention they can receive.    So I call bullshit and tell you to check that mirror because you are beyond faking it.

I even have to check myself from time to time.  Is how I live, practice, believe real?  True to being who I am and choose to be?  If I have  a problem answering in the affirmative, then I need to go through the checklist(yeah I have one), and see where I need to tweak or change.  Sometimes I have been known to toss out things, people, beliefs that no longer serve me or hinder me from positive growth.  It’s a necessary part of keeping it real for myself.

Life is all about change.  We need to be willing to stretch the boundaries, to stop placing limits upon ourselves, but most importantly, we need to be honest and real, not only for those who sit and observe us, but for ourselves.  If we cannot do that, then we are merely existing within this human shell with no spiritual connection anywhere.  and that would be a sad reality indeed.

tempête parfaite

I have had an unplugged day today…no phone to tweet with, didn’t hit FB til late this evening…it was good for me since I have been doing some introspection while I worked.  It kept me zoned out, thinking and reflecting on some recent comments directed at me and why they hurt my feelings, and why I allowed them that power.  It’s about a couple of conversations lately..one online, one off, and yet they were similar.  I have a lot of people on my friend list..many for the apps I play, but it’s now culled to a manageable state filled with those from various paths.  I added a new one, and was speaking in a conversation about them to another friend online.  The response from said friend?  “I think I will follow suit because you added them and you don’t like people”.  WTF? Really?  WHAT do I say or do that says I don’t like people?  I am sarcastic, true…snark quite a bit, but in truth, I’m not anti-social , in my opinion.  So what do I do?  Say nothing as is my wont, and decide to have an early night.  In truth, my feelings were hurt because I thought she knew me better..guess not.  So I get to work and mention this in a conversation with someone who has known me for several years…we’re friends…I think so anyways.  What does she say?  “You like people, you just wait for them to piss you off so you can kick them”…yeah fuck you too was my response.  Put on the headset and say nothing further , but the mind has been reeling, thinking, sorting and turning things over all day.  What the hell kind of person am I really? Why do two separate friends have similar opinions, even if they tried to pass it off as a joke?  I look in the mirror.  It’s the face I’ve always seen..nothing out of the ordinary.  WHAT is going on that is giving this perception?  Too much snark?  Sarcasm and self-deprecation have been my safety valves for so long, that I feel naked without them.  The way I viewed the conversations was that I am totally anti-social and basically not a real friendly person.  Wow…that smarts..maybe it wasn’t their intent.  maybe it’s because this week has me in an emotional spin, am not thinking clearly enough to understand my reaction to things//IDK/  I may be reacting badly to just some casual observances.   A dear friend once told me that sometimes people disappoint us in that they are not always who we believe them to be, but even in that failing, they are true to themselves as we should be.   He’s right of course(he usually was).  I’ll keep tweaking things on my end..maybe they are right..maybe they aren’t.  I just have to walk true according to what feels right to me.  And maybe make more unplugged days with no distractions from others a regular thing.