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I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit drank the wine and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels

To stand outside your virtue
No one can ever hurt you
Or so they say

Shinedown

We all are familiar with Lewis Carroll ‘s book of Alice In Wonderland, as well as turned on a new generation with the movie.  Alice is bored with life so goes chasing rabbits.  Amazing how we often go chasing wild hares ourselves metaphorically in life.  We often seek things to fill up that place inside us that seems to be lacking.  Some use drugs,  religion, others use sex, still others harm themselves by cutting, etc.  At first it is almost orgasmic in the fulfillment, but then as the glory fades, it gets to be a vicious cycle trying to end the pain of the mundane .  We believe the things said about us, see what they think they see in our mirrors, and in the end…we are cheated….because we are caught up in the cycle of pain and need that we cant see how things could be if we allowed it.  We give others the power to sway the way we think and feel about ourselves.  We fall into the trap of trying to be someone we aren’t and it just causes more confusion, anger and hurt..in the end..more pain.  I see bright, beautiful people still trying to live up to other’s expectations, because that inner voice inside has not been kicked to the curb.  It takes a lot of shadow work on ourselves to be able to kick those inner demons that told us we were less than perfect.  And sometimes even in the oddest of moments and time, they rear their ugly heads yet again.  I’ve seen people fall to pieces in the strangest of places and situations because of something from the past that colors the perceptions of the present.  So how to deal with this?  I wish there was one simple answer, but in the long run, one has to stand up, look at the person in the mirror and take back your power.  Learn to like and respect that person staring back at you.  Learn that nobody is perfect and that life is not fair…some days you are the bug, some days the windshield.  Realize that not everybody is going to like you for various reasons..and that’s ok…we don’t have to like them either. It is our power as a human being, worthy of respect.  We have value and substance to offer the universe..never let anyone try and convince you differently.  They too have those voices…some just like to pretend they don’t…and its those who try and usurp power from others to try and make themselves feel better.  That too doesn’t work..and so they have to keep trying to up it even higher..can get pretty nasty.  What to do?  Run the hell away from that mess..it is so not worth the trouble, and pat yourself on the back for an escape well done.  Be who you are meant to be,live as you are meant to live, answer to NO ONE!!! You and you alone are the one in charge of your life…reach out and grab hold  of that lifeline and go for the ride of your life.  Life is for the living..otherwise its just existing.

 

I’ve been thinking about labels today and how we as humans like to hang them upon ourselves.  They have a purpose of course, for the most part, because they give us a point of reference in which to start.  We get started on this from an early age…school teaches us ..”which of these is the same”…shoes match, clothes..etc..So that is a surface label.  Then of course, it becomes societal, as far as ethnicity, religion, class, are concerned.  We all use labels.  For better or worse, we get stuck with them sometimes.  It’s when we try and label ourselves that we get into trouble at times.  I mean the “I am the mage of whateverfuck village and I’m here to make your life resplendent with glitter and pink unicorns” is a little much don’t you think? Someone seriously needs psychotropic drugs or they need to cut back on whatever in the hell they’re smoking.  I know that is a little extreme in labeling, but in truth, I have seen some go that far.  So what is the purpose of labeling ones self?  To stroke ones ego..well that goes without saying…to gain respect…maybe if you find someone gullible enough to believe you are what you say you are.  Prestige? Money? Power? Maybe to all three if you again find those that do not see the truth in who you are.  So again..what is the point?  Why try and hang a label that you have not earned, or made up around one’s neck?  It’s like placing a “kick me” sign on your back and inviting everyone to do just that.  Those with knowledge will not accept who you are, will not listen to you even if you make sense(which is highly doubtful if you’re labeling yourself).  Those seeking will wonder if what you promised to do for them does not materialize.  So in reality..the label becomes a millstone.  One with which to carry and hope like hell a flood doesn’t happen or you will drown under the weight.  Funny thing about labels..they are a bitch to get rid of.   You get labeled something growing up and see how 20 yrs down the road people still think of you that way even if it isn’t true.  Same as the label you gift yourself with.  Try and change your mind about things later and see how many people remember that just last week, you were something else.   So maybe in the long run.. maybe we should just stick with who we are, however imperfect that may be.  It sure would make life easier than to have to admit maybe we were wrong about labeling ourselves “perfect”.

Peace Out

I was reading an article about Jane Fonda and her fallout with QVC over her previous escapades in the Viet Nam war.  Seems people been complaining that they should have nothing to do with her because she went to Viet Nam in 1972, and how she propagandized the POWs, helping the Vietnamese in their claims of “nobody gets hurt” Her excuse is that both sides used the POWs, and while I am sure that is true, there are some things just not done…Rumors and tales get passed on as fact and the whole thing gets a life of its own.   Continue reading How long is long enough?

I’ve been speaking with some about paths, which in itself can be a touchy thing because we all have different opinions on it.  Here is what I feel.  We all have a destination..have to have because the journey we are on is life.  Some feel the need to be initiated and be in a setting where they are connected with like minded people following the same direction.  This isn’t always a pagan thing..I consider joining a church in much the same light.  The “initiation” is what is required to join the church be it baptism, letter, but still joining with like minded people going in the same direction.  Some of us like to go on our own way, in a more solitary manner, studying, seeking and sometimes joining up with others to discuss things .  Either way is acceptable to me.  It depends upon the person and how they approach their path.  But my question is for those seeking..what is it you seek?  What do you want out of a spiritual path that calls you?  Is it that mainstream faiths don’t give you solace in your life?  Is that why you follow a pagan path?  I know some seek things out because they want to rebel against societal faiths(those would be Abrahamic faiths), or do you really feel a connectedness to the universe. My take is, after walking a somewhat christian path for a time, is that my soul is freer than at any time I can remember ..I always felt that connection to earth and center..and while fitting in with those around me, I lost part of myself.  But that is my reason for seeking..and its a daily process. Sometimes people use the path as a way of finding themselves, through learning more of where their ancestors are from and connecting that way..still others pull out a book, see something that piques their interest and goes that route.  I don’t have a set answer as to which way is correct…as I said, its a personal thing.  What I do know is that one book does not a path make.  Not one link, not one answer..it takes a collective layering of information, practice and seeking to help develop that path..any path.  One needs to be proactive in maintaining the information you take in and verify that its accurate and applies to you.  Some people don’t seem to grasp that concept.  They expect to get spoonfed all the info without taking the time to digest it and take in what they really need and discarding the rest.   They also don’t always check out where they get that info, and that is just amazing to me.  Why when this is supposed to be about something so significant in your life(and if its not..why not?)would you not check out what you’re hearing or learning?  I ask this on all paths, because pagans are not the only ones who tend to sit and stay silent while people throw things out and it makes no sense sometimes.  I’ve seen people sit on church pews and listen to someone espouse hate and bigotry in the name of god and people swallow it up without comment.  Pagans are the same. Because people are people, no matter our paths.  If we are involved with a group, and there is a set leader, then majority of the time, people do not question what is said..don’t even call them on the bullshit even when one knows its bullshit.  I’ve seen it on several pagan boards, and yet people sit still and let the asshats run their mouths.  I don’t get that.  Maybe its because I have control issues..don’t get me started on that one,lol…or maybe it’s because I have worked so hard to appreciate the woman I have become and what works for me.  I don’t know…All I do in fact know is that I cannot sit by and listen to bullshit.  I’m pretty careful friending those who have knowledge..sometimes appearances aren’t all they seem to be..so I get to know others before I join groups…It wasn’t always that way..back in the day, I was like a lot of new seeker, and joined a group looking for knowledge..was mostly a waste of time.  So I stopped going to the groups..started reading and doing research for myself.  In the long run, it helped me grow as a person, and on my path, because I found that just because there are books out there..not all authors are on the same level.  I’ve come to recognize enough to know which ones to avoid, been lucky enough to make new friends who offer links, book recommendations and that I have learned enough about myself that I can tune out the bullshit.  That might be beneficial to ones who come seeking.  Ask yourself why it is you find yourself where you are..what you hope to obtain and where you want to go.  Because in the long run, you will then find out who you are and are destined to become.

Today I had another blog in mind..one that spilled all my inner emotions out.  It was a letter to my mom who passed 2 yrs ago next week.  I had a lot of unresolved things in that relationship, and so I wrote things I needed to say but could not say at the time of her passing.  it’s really cathartic to be able to write and post(privately) and get things off one’s chest.  I think we all need to be able to do that because sometimes, we cant tell people what is going on because of fear or some other deep seated neurosis.  But I am better after the “telling’ so to speak, and for that I am grateful that I have friends who encourage me to do so, and reach out as they can to help me through issues.

Peace out.

Ever feel like you need a change, but aren’t sure what that is?  Yeah..that’s me.  It’s like you’ve spent too much time in the kiddie pool with all the juvenile behaviors and it wears on the spirit.  But what to change?  What direction?  That is what the issue is for me I guess.  I know that some things cannot continue as they are, so must change, but to change for change sake is not a good move either.  Things need to be formulated and worked so that the change is smooth and harmonious.  I felt that I was settled with just what I needed to squeak by(I don’t know anyone who says their world is perfect..if they do, they are lying to everyone, including themselves).  But apparently, there still needs to be some tweaking.  So, I’m going to take a step back and look at the big picture and see what isnt working, and remove the chaff because I dont need the aggravation anymore..Life is too short to dwell on the mundane crap we all seem to get caught up in.

There has been a discussion of some sorts about why pagans feel the need for acceptance. .  Its in our genetic make up because as human beings, we require socialization and contact with others.  If we do not receive this, then we seek it out elsewhere.  This is how cliques form, bullies get their entourage and cults are formed.  We go where we can feel that we are enclosed in this little capsule of “acceptance”.  We seek out those who are similar in values, clothes, paths, etc. This is to give us a feeling of value of self-worth.  It’s ingrained in us in our upbringing that we should seek out playmates, friends etc that are similar in our values we are raised with us, our cultural upbringing, religious faiths.  And so we do.  Some of us do not feel that we have to have that closeness in our lives, yet we do still seek out others who accept us for who we are.  It’s important to note that pagans are not the only ones who require this acceptance…in truth because we are considered a “minority” faith, then yes, we do tend to seek other pagans out..but then again, so do other faiths.  Hassidic Jews do not socialize with others outside their faith, others are taught to not marry outside their faith, others still in India marry within their caste or class..All humans need love and appreciation, acceptance if you will, so when one thinks that others seem to be willing to put up with carp from others, you may be right..but its their way of obtaining what they seek in their emotional life.

That title has long been mine for as long as I can remember.  My friends have come to love and loathe it.  I’ve always been placed in “counselor” role  from an early age.  Maybe its because from past habits of growing up in abusive military household, one tends to keep one’s self out of the fray.  It’s easier to observe that way.  One can see both sides of the situation, see where blame might be on both sides and voice a way to a solution.  It’s hard when both sides want to be right, or one side is actually completely right..but I dont take sides..just call it as I see it.  Sometimes that can be hard place, sort of like being between that and the rock..because sometimes the parties involved dont want to listen to reason..they just want to be right.  What usually happens when this situation occurs and people get pissy is that I walk..away…sometimes for longer than they care for me to.  so generally after things quiet down, we talk it out..I’ve learned to pick my battles and the small stuff..not worth it.  But for last few days, I’ve had to listen to a voice of reason(yeah you know who you are).  I’ve been off kilter from the dream, which the voice tells me is me thinking it too hard.  She was right…once I stopped, spun it a little bit, then it fell into place.  Then there have been other niggling things come up and again the voice is there to present some other scenarios, and voila!  It’s making me laugh because I’m like..WTF…I’m trying to be mad here…what ARE you doing? ROFL..what the voice is doing in fact is what I do…present the big picture so someone doesnt make an ass of themselves and react harshly and then have to regret it.  It’s helped me regain my sense of balance, my sense of humor, and while the voice thinks that they havent done anything of much importance..I want to say “THANKS”…

You know we all view things from our own little corner of the world.  It’s based upon life experiences, knowledge we have gained, and things we see on a regular basis.  In saying that, I get a little crazy over people(who should know better imho) judging others by their own personal yardsticks.  Viewing how someone dresses, what they believe makes as much sense to me as a screen door on a submarine.  It’s stupid.  If you think people are EMO because of dress, and not spiritual, or that witches are mostly fluff…what does that make you?  Is your personal viewpoint any more valid than theirs? Even if you do not understand it, or agree with it, it is their POV that makes it valid. In their world. i like the etymology of the word “witch” myself..sometimes the label is used for shock value when I’m messing with people’s head…but I dont consider those who do not practice witchcraft a witch, for that would kind of silly since that is its meaning.  Wise woman.. I like to think that applies to me and my path…but its my perspective..my path, and what I do on it is MY business.  So while we may laugh at those who come and claim to be a reborn ‘fairy, dragon, insert otherkin here”, and know that they have much to learn..they are seeking in their own way..and from their perspective, it makes sense.  So walk your path, apply your own spiritual yardstick to your own beliefs and let others do the same.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately..(I know for those of you who read this often and know me personally..that can be a scary thing).  The thinking and dreams have me in a introspective mood.  I watch others having conversations and feel like I am a ghost of myself just observing..even if I may take part.  Kind of plays on ones insecurities at times..”would they notice if I never showed up”… We all have those moments where we have to stop and take stock of where we are, what we’re doing and where the hell to go from here.  I am not a fan of this mood actually because it makes me rethink EVERYTHING in my life from family, friends, spirituality.  It’s not that it doesn’t need done, but that its hard work dammit! Some relationships that seem horribly mangled, one wonders how we will ever untangle them, to make them work again, others we want to walk away from and yet seem unable to take that first step.  And what of the path? I’ve been lazy..I know that..I thought that I was ‘fine” with the status quo, but like our physical bodies, one must exercise the spiritual life as well to keep it in shape.  So how to “fix” that?  I guess it starts with..what exactly do I hope to gain from it?  Do I want to feel more at peace in my daily walk?..if so, then I need to fix the meditation schedule and work from within.  Do I want to add more knowledge?  then I better start listening to what goes on around me and culling those with nothing to offer, and doing some more reading in the direction I wish to go.  Sometimes its hard to look in the mirror and decide its time for a change.  We are so used to being where we are that we get stuck in that rut and fear keeps us from moving forward.  FEAR!!! What is so scary about tweaking things a bit? Oh yeah..the “unknown” aspect of it all.  And yet, we can’t use that as an excuse to remain ignorant and lazy in our lives. And it can really suck when we have people around us in the same mood(yeah we shop at the same place,lol)..But I like to think that we are often growing together, not necessarily in the same direction, but that the ability to express who we are to someone who understands makes the difference some times.  So..what to do? Deal with things best we can, keep seeking, keep talking to those who will listen, and above all, don’t be too hard on ourselves because we are human after all, and sometimes we just don’t get it right the first time.