Amethyst's Offerings

It’s gray. Everywhere I turn to look, I see the same color.  Not just gray..various shades of it. Dark,light, gray. Even the rock I sit on is gray. A soft whitish form,but still gray. It feels as if I have been pulled into a cloud of fog because there is no definitive shadow. Just where is this place and why am I here I wonder to myself. The stillness of the grey is peaceful, so I pull my cloak closer and sit on the rock with my eyes staring into the nothingness of fog like surroundings and enjoy the respite of what is normally a busy time for me.

“What do you seek Girl”? comes a voice from behind. “I wasn’t aware that I was”, I answered without turning around. I heard a chuckle. “She did say you would be direct”, Ke said.I never turned around but wondered to myself just which “she” had spoken of me and what had I gotten myself into this time.”Everyone seeks Girl”, says the voice again…”what is it you seek?” “I wasn’t aware that I was at the moment”,I said. “But I will accept that you say that I am”. I hear a laugh again.  It reminds me of crystal chimes twinkling on the breeze..clear and melodic and fits well with the grayness of the scene around me. “You do not turn around.  why is that”? Ke asks.  This time it is I who laughs.  “I do not turn around because when I do, I will have to acknowledge who or what you are and I am not sure I am ready for that yet”.We both laugh then and Ke agrees that I was correct in that assessment. I ponder the question presented to me and wonder if there is something within that I truly seek. I sometimes wish for things I have in the elsewhere would materialize in the mundane..sanctuary, acceptance, knowledge..but is there something I seek in the Elsewhere? That would take some shadow work I think, and maybe a trip to the swamp to spin this with those who know me better than I know myself. “I am sorry  if I am wasting your time”, I tell the voice. “But I seriously have no idea just what is is that I seek…I do feel the hollow that feels as if a piece is missing, but have not sufficiently searched myself to know what should reside there”.  This time there was no laughing, but a genuine sympathy within the voice. “I understand your dilemma”, ke says to me. “Go and speak with those you choose to speak with and when you are ready, come back and we will discuss it”. I agree and only then do I turn to face the voice.
I will not describe that I saw, because as I told Kir, to do so would be to accept, and I am not sure I can do so at this time. I will say that which I saw was and was not a surprise really. And today that is making me laugh a little to myself as I get ready to do some seeking.

I’m sitting out under the trees where it’s nice and cool.  Table is set with delicious goodies and the sweet tea is nice and cold.  I have a friend who is coming to see me today. she hasnt told me that, but I know she’s on her way. I soon see her walking down the road. Walking in her unhurried way, just enjoying the feel of the sun as it caresses her face.  A butterfly dances in front of her and she is amused.  As she comes closer to where I am, she looks at the table under the trees.  ”I said nothing about coming today” she begins. “A little bird told me” I say, and we both laugh. I offer her refreshment, and tell her that I know she isnt a fan of sweet tea, but do have something stronger if she cares for it.  She accepts the tea, saves the other for later.  We sit and talk about various things,people, places. “You know, ” I begin”tea is a lot like people on their walks”.  she looks at me..”Did you add rum to your glass while I wasn’t looking?” she asked. I laugh.  ”Nope.  Think about it.  Making a great glass of tea is an art form”. She raises her eyebrows over her glass, trying not to laugh out loud at my silliness.  ”Ok, let me explain before you lose your self control”, I laughingly tell her. “Some people are always in a hurry to learn everything, adding lots of knowledge into their path.  Others learn just enough then run off never knowing there is so much more available. Then those who try to find a balance.  Making tea is the same.  Some want to toss in the tea bags, add water, boil the hell out of it.  It makes tea no doubt, but is so strong, the only thing its good for is dying fabric. Still others boil water and then just kiss the tea bag into it making potted tea..weak as fuck with no flavor.  The way I was taught was to boil the water, remove from the heat, add the tea, cover and let it steep for 3-5 minutes.  Just enough time to pull out the flavor,but not overwhelm the palate. Don’t get me started on the sweeteners”. Side eye..I laugh.  ”Ok ever see people order unsweetened tea in a restaurant then add that vile artificial shit to it”? she nods. “Yep..all they get is colored water with harsh chemicals in it.  You can NOT sweeten cold tea anyway. The trick is to add sugar while its hot..not so much that it becomes saccharine sweet, but delights the tongue with its sweet refreshment.  It gains sweetness as it cools”. Same as those of us walking.  Some try hard to add shit to their path that contradicts what they believe, how they were meant to practice.  It’s not good for them, but to fit in, they add it anyway..to be one of the kool kids..It doesnt work. Others add so much that it soon overpowers their original intent. The balance is to find that which fills your spirit with delight much as that first drink of cold sweet tea..it makes you want to finish that drink..seek out another taste.” My friend holds her glass up, observes its amber color glinting in the dappled sunlight as it filters through the trees. “Who knew so much was held within the depths of sweet tea”. “Shut up”, I say and we both laugh. We both sit and talk more on the value of sweet tea in our lives.  I’ve always enjoyed it..she is learning to accept it..and me.

Ever get your buttons pushed by something you read even if you don’t know the other people saying it?  It happens a lot if one takes an interest in the outside world.  Social media is good for that. I got one of those knee jerk responses today as I was reading.
So the post was about how kids expect on Christmas, and one said that they were so happy that their kids were happy getting a second hand tv and a few thoughtful gifts.  I have no issue with this.  Would make me glad my kids appreciated their gifts, and some second hand stuff is pretty damn good. So what is my issue? The smugness behind the comment and the next part that said others would be whining about wrong color ipad or wrong gift.  Do they want a cookie or an attaboy for their generosity?  I’ll give them that there are some kids who have not been raised to appreciate what they have, but to act as if you are a better parent, have better kids just reeks of hypocrisy.

I know that sometimes things are beyond one’s control, one cannot afford to buy the latest and greatest gadgets for the kids.  I respect that.  But planning ahead, layaway, searching the internet , second hand shops is doable.  And what of these parents who drink or smoke? Are they gonna give up that expense to provide for your kids something they specifically asked for? It’s a matter of priorities for me. When my kids were little, I listened throughout the year to see what they really liked, then bought accordingly.  As they grew, they made me a list and got a couple things off that were requested.  I do the same now for their little people.  I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I never have been. I’m just  fortunate to have a job that allows me to budget for the greatest gifts in my life.   Do my little ones get more than some?  YES.  Do they get less than others? YES.  Do they appreciate that they are blessed? YES.  Why is that?  Because we teach them that.  We go out of our way to help when and where we can throughout the year. Outgrown clothes in good shape go into shelter boxes as do toys.  We gift to the local food banks. In short, we teach, that “to whom much is given, much is required”…a phrase I grew up hearing from my Gran.

In short, my problem is people acting superior when in reality..they probably don’t know(or think about) the kids reality of the “what did santa bring you/what did you get for christmas” that goes on when they go back to school.  They may appreciate their gifts, but deep down the insecurity of not having what others have affects them.  So don’t delude yourself into thinking how great you are, because if you were, you would have made ONE item asked for appear, instead of something from the left-over column you had easy access to. This season is about giving..of self, of time, of love and placing others before yourself.  Not seeking out cookies, brownie points, attaboys, for a “job well done”, because from this quarter..I have none to spare

I am sitting on the bank.  I like watching the play of the breeze upon the water below.  It’s the first time I’ve been back to the in-between in awhile.

“How long you going to stay mad at me Cher”, asks a familiar voice behind me.  I don’t even turn to look. “The thing abut trust.  It’s a difficult fence to rebuild.  It requires tiresome work”, I tell him.  Corwvyn sighs and sits down beside me. “I cannot change the things that happened”, he begins, “but I can make a promise to work harder at it never happening again”. I turn to look at him then.  He has aged since I last saw him. His silver hair longer and is eyes seem more tired. “So how are things”, I ask.  He throws his head back and laughs loudly.  “Know why I love you Cher? You can ask the most pointed questions without even asking what you really want to know”. I laugh as well and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t want to intentionally seem as if I am crossing boundaries.  If I ask circumferential then one can decide to tell me as much or as little as you want”.  He shakes his head amused. “To answer your direct question…my sister no longer controls the keep.  She and all who supported her have been banished.  My brother is ruler and his daughter is being groomed for her place when she is of proper age.”.  I raise an eyebrow but say nothing, so he continues.  “I am a consulate..one who walks the worlds and  does as I am required to do for our people.” I nod.  Big changes it seems.  Lot of challenges for my friend. Lot of work too.  “Seems you will be busy”, I say.  “What brings you here?” He smiles and looks at me. “I want to present us with a clean slate.  Start fresh, with no old hurts or misunderstandings interfering”. Wow…if he had come to me before, I’d have handed him his ass(or made a concerted effort to do so).  His betrayal of trust(even by omission) is hard for me. I locked the door so that he could not contact me, but have been thinking of relationships that I have done that with and considering if some deserve another chance or I should stick to my stubborn mind set and leave it as it is. I sigh deeply.  It’s a hard decision for me.  I’m not a vindictive person by nature, although when pushed or provoked I can become so.  Corwvyn sits and watches me as I go back and forth in my head about the pros and cons of such an alliance with him again. “If it helps any Cher, my being here is not connected in any way with my family or any of my people.  This is personal with me.  I miss our friendship, the laughter and the talks we have.  I miss you.  I know it’s my fault that I did not step in to keep you out of harm’s way, or to agree with you about insiders helping my sister.  I am most sorry about that.  I felt my place was beside my brother, and did not expect him to lay blame at your feet although you did nothing but help us from the beginning. I was wrong.  I ask you forgiveness and another chance to renew our friendship”. Tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “Why am I crying”, I think to myself. Maybe its because I too, miss having a friend who stands beside me when I need to talk things out with someone.  I don’t usually do that, even in the mundane because everyone else also has things going on, so I choose not to unload.  Makes it hard.  Corwvyn on the other hand has always encouraged me to speak on thoughts, dreams..worries.  I’ve missed him. So what to decide? If I do allow  the friendship to begin anew..can I trust him? Can I trust those who will indeed make their presence known although he says they will not…FFS! How can I be so damned indecisive? I close my eyes and just relax.  “Ok Cor..I’ll make a deal with you.I’m willing to start again..work this out but you cannot reveal it to anyone unless I agree to.” “But you will not have any such stipulations?” he asked. “Nope..those I tell already have my back and they help me stay balanced even when all hell is breaking loose”, I tell him. He nods.  …..~~SILENCE~ I’m beginning to wonder why he hesitates.  Is there another reason he is here after all? “Fine”, he says.  “I will allow you to dictate the rules concerning our friendship only because I really want us to be friends and because I have truly missed you”.  I look at him for a minute.  Reading his intent, seeking out any discernible deceit.  I find none, so agree as well.  Fr the first time he visibly relaxes. “I was really afraid you would send me packing and toss me over the cliff”, he laughed. “I considered it”, I conceded.  We sit in silence for a moment then he begins to talk to me like the old days. He tells me of what has happened with his people since I saw him last, of the changes they have made and how he feels about the direction they are headed now.  Seems as if I am not the only one that needs a place/person to vent to.  We talk for a long while catching up and then he has to leave.  “I have to go “, he says reluctantly.  “I have a meeting later with some of the outer villages about setting up their local leadership”.  I and and tel him I will see him again soon.  I stand and start to walk back to the entrance from my waking when he spies my companion.  “You travel with Brin these days”, he asks.  I look at him and tell him that she is always with me since it is safer than allowing myself to be harmed by those who don’t care how their goal is achieved”. He nods.  Brin and I begin to make our way home.  I look sideways at her and tell her “I know, I think I’m a little nuts as well.  We’ll see how this goes”. She gives me a quick hug and we go home.

Maybe I am more than a little crazy for allowing people to come and go in my life, but sometimes they serve a purpose.  I dont always get that lesson the first time around, so have to revisit from time to time. At least I’m playing the game safer this time around and that is always a good thing.

“Given a choice between my life and yours, I will choose mine. Every time. Without hesitation. “

This is the time of greed, commercialism, right?  Well not to hear those  who spout off about the origins of said holiday season. One side will be the “Jesus was born..reason for the season” kind of thing..then the pagans will claim that it was “stolen from them” and the war is on.Add in the Santa and the spying on children by malicious elves, and its a whole mess.  What is the commonality then among all this? Mass quantities.  Have you seen some of the lists given out by people asking for gifts?  Seriously. Saw where one woman said her 5 kids had to pare their gift list down from the 1000.00 gift tag to 10 items no mare than 50.00 each..hello?  That is still 500.00 a piece!!!!!!! And she was upset that it had to happen, as were her kids who had grown up expecting such.  See..I don’t get that..Maybe its because money has never been that important to me other than making sure my bills got paid and my kids had all they needed and the occasional treat.  I can’t think that I’m the only one who feels like this am I?  I jokingly say that next life plan I am going to make sure I have more coinage in my pocket as well as no kids :)…In truth, I might have written this one explicitly like this for a reason…working hard for what I have and kids, their kids, other people’s kids who found their way to my home.  Maybe I demanded those that are in charge of such things to work this plan out just so..IDK. What I do know is that I refuse to spend time whining over what could have been…what I wish to see, or that your life is better than mine..charmed as it were.  That is a waste of energy, air space and dreams.” Better than the demons I know than those you’ve conjured up”.       

It’s odd sometimes how we speak, write , lay things out in the open and then are taken aback by others perceptions of it. We are so used to just speaking(often before much thought) about situations or events that when someone says something about what we’ve spoken on..it gives us pause, in some cases may even take us aback.

Such has been the case this week for me. I’ve seen comments from some on particular aspects of a path I choose to work and they are so off base that when I made a statement on them, someone else has decided that apparently I am judgmental(aren’t we all at some point?). The omnipotent ruler of all that the path entails, or as one says “you know jack about this”.  Fine.  Their opinion I guess.  I do happen to know a little about some things, but I’ll sit back and watch with popcorn and rum while you hang your ass out in the wind. Makes me no difference other than it gripes me when I see people pushing shit as truth..but maybe there is a market for that and I haven’t caught onto the trend yet.

Then there are posts on dreams..MY dreams.  I had one ask if I “copied” the style from a friend . Nope, but I enjoy reading theirs. I’ve walked dreamscapes all of my life, as long as I could remember them and they have served to teach me well.  But recently I’ve reverted back to an old habit…the “I’m not good enough, they won’t like me.”..kind of thing..It pisses me off…at myself.  It makes me second guess what I say, how I interact with others. Why do I allow old triggers to take up space?  Maybe because there is so much going on with circus drama, stress of hell, that I forgot to check the lock on that baggage.  I don’t know..but it happened.  What triggered it?  Someone entered an area that they consider “my” space. It weirded them out.  What I heard was old garbage..it kept me awake all night trying to whip the old fears, tears, and anger and pain back into the cellar where I’ve had it buried.  Was I successful? Am I not here writing? All snark aside…I was semi successful.  I didnt explode, cry or whine..but I also didn’t speak about it to anyone that would have been helpful, so I still feel the nudges. Does this change things between me and the other person?  No..I don’t “own” the elsewhere, nor do I presume to set a boundary with NO Trespassing signs to warn others.  They will travel as they will and sometimes there will be overlap.  ~shrugs~.  I also cannot control how others will feel about their experiences.  For me, most of the time I enjoy being there more than in the mundane. My perception, feelings and triggers are mine…nobody else has to claim responsibility for them.  We’ve muddled through for a long time together.  One of these days I might learn to kick their ass to the curb for good, until then they stay locked in the cellar until they pick the lock.

The above perceptions are mine and mine alone.  Nobody else gets to claim responsibility or try and “help” me because truthfully, I’ve always fought alone with what threatens to push me off the precipice. I’ll work through shit, kick some ass and come out of the other side of the mirror stronger, standing yelling that I’m still here so if I’m to be taken down..they better bring their “A” game.  I believe I’ll go have some rum.

This dream-set is from the other day, but I hadn’t written it down because I wanted my friend to say something to me before I did.  She has, so now I write:
“SHAE!”.  I hear a voice calling me.  I look around but don’t see anyone, so continue to lay out the herbs for drying.  “SHAE!” The voice comes again. I put down my herbs.  “Brin”, I call.  “I have to go help her”.  Brin hands me my cloak and we set off in the direction of the sound.  It doesn’t take me long to travel the elsewhere.  I just locked onto the sound,and the scent of the one who called to me. Oh dear gods.  I am standing right on the doorstep of the boneyard.I have only come here once and was grudgingly allowed to do so, and am not sure of my reception now. “SHAE”! I am called once more.  The cry is asking me to come, and sounds so tired.  That’s it.  I go in..and whomever doesn’t like it be damned. As I enter, I see the hugest raven I have ever laid eyes on.  He looks as if I could be a tasty morsel, so I decide that the best approach would be to just speak to him.  “My friend has called for me and needs my help”, I tell him.  “If you could just point me in her direction, I will collect her and be on my way”.  He stares at me once more, then bends his head as if to give his consent.  Instead of pointing me the direction to go, he takes off in flight.  I watch until he looks back as if to say “well…come on then”. I waste no time in following him. We go past pyres of bones  that have been arranged. Some elaborately so, others done in a haphazard manner as if they were just stacked until another time for use.  I follow the raven to a secluded place in the boneyard, away from the other pyres.  I laugh to myself.  “Where else would such a one have her own personal corner?”, I think to myself.  I see my friend laid upon a pyre.  The bones lovingly laid in an intricate manner that resembles the stitches she herself creates.  But before I can step forward, I see HER. Ravenwoman.  “Damn”, I think.She turns as she catches a glimpse of me.  “I am fucked”, I tell myself.  Just then I hear my friend whimper in pain.  I can see that she is past the point of exhaustion. She needs rest.  Real rest.  Not some psuedo nap promised by someone that slides off into another view of the elsewhere.  She has to stop to allow herself to become reasonably whole.  Well, if I have to fight to help her I will.  I don’t want to, because it will obviously not be pretty, nor will it allow me to take care of my friend. I step forward and let my friend know that I am here.  She has been through much as I survey her damaged body with its bruises and cuts.  She is so tired that she cannot open her eyes to see my face.  “I am so tired”, she says.  “This is no place for you to rest , my sweet”, I tell her.  “Take my hand and I will take us somewhere to rest properly”.  She grabs my left hand and I pull her to stand beside me.  Placing my arm around her waist, I tell her”We are going to walk right out of here and be on our way”.  I think that was actually for us all.  First to reassure myself because to tell the truth, Ravenwoman scares the fuck out of me, secondly to let my friend know what we are doing, and last but certainly not least to tell Ravenwoman my plans.  Yeah I know..why allow an adversary know of such, but I’ve found that knowing or not knowing, they still find a way to try and fuck things up, so I just save us both time and give them a heads up.  I turn us towards the exit and Ravenwoman makes a move to stop us.  she tries to grab my friends hand when a cloud of black flies in between us.  Ravens.  Hundreds of them, like they are building a wall of feathers to keep the divide and allows us to move down the path to leave.  At the entrance is again the great big Raven.  I thank him for his assistance and bid him farewell, then we walk through the gate.  I call Brin from wherever she has secreted herself and she joins us.  “She is exhausted”, I tell her “and we need to find a secluded place for her to rest without others trying to come see about her”. Brin nods then picks up my friend since she is clearly too tired to walk, and we make our way to the dragons lair. I smile as I see the entrance.  It’s secluded and appears to be nothing more than mists hanging in the valley. But  NOBODY comes here without invitation. You either come with dragon guide or have a key.  I happen to have both, but this place is used sparingly by myself. Brin and I make our way to our private glen where there is a twig lean-to with a small fire burning for light in front of it. Brin places my friend down onto the pallet inside and prepares the fire for more heat and the making of tea.  I sit beside my friend and tell her to rest.  She is safe and secure and I will be here with her when she wakes.  She takes my hand, asks me to stay, so I lie beside her and stroke her hair to soothe away her pain.  Her strength amazes me at times, the things she sees, goes through.  I’d build her a pedestal for her heroics, but she’s just place my head on it,lol.  “You both should rest”, Brin breaks in on my silliness.  I agree, but ask her to tell us a story.  Pretty childish, but I’ve learned that even pushed to our limits, if the mind is focused elsewhere then we rest deeper.  Brin smiles and begins to tell of swamps, weavers, spiders and ravens.  “You aren’t going to dump me in the swamp are you”? asks my friend.  I laugh and tell her I might consider it if she interrupts the story again. She laughs as well, then closes her eyes and this time drifts off into a peaceful rest.  We rest …no clue how long since time is not relevant in the elsewhere, but it was enough time to recharge and feel more like ourselves.  I awake to see my friend drinking tea with Brin and giggling over some joke.  “Don’t mind me”, I say.  “I am just the witch with herbs to dry”.  “I’m sorry I interrupted you”, my friend begins.  I punch her lightly on the shoulder.  “Hush”, I tell her”you needed the help and I was able to give it.  End of discussion”.  I take my mug of tea from Brin and we sit and talk a bit, then clear the camp, washing the cups, dampening down the flame of the fire.  Brin leads us back to the entrance of the lair and I hug my friend good-by and tell her “Be careful on the way home..and I will talk to you later”.  She waves goodbye and Brin and I make our way back to the cabin and herbs.  I think of how badly things could have gone and shake my head.  I’ll have to find a special offering to the raven for his assist, but in the meantime, I think I’ve earned myself some rum(not that I ever deprive myself really).