The ignorance of privilege

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I am privileged. I know this, accept it for what it is, because I cannot change it. And to pretend otherwise would be ignorant on my part, not to mention dishonest.

What makes me privileged? I am a decently well educated white woman. While there are limits based upon gender and others who are more educated than I,
I still have options open to me based upon gender, or color. I have seen others treated abominably just because of their race, sexual preference and even their preferred faith or lack of it. And while I can empathize and yell with righteous indignation, I cannot truly relate to how they feel because of my status of privilege.
And yet I see many who reach out in their ignorance and pretend to do just that. They play the “I’m not racist” card all the while sitting up on their pedestal feeling all superior and demanding a pat on the back for being so sincere in their offers of “help”. “Oh honey, let me give you a hand up because I never want you to feel like you are a second class citizen ever again”. Nice in its premise that one can change someone else’s emotions and their perspective of the situation, but in actuality its bullshit. How one sees the situation is their opinion and you cannot change the way they feel about it. It’s theirs to own. You also cannot change others who treat people with a lack of respect both in their actions and words. If one could do so, it would make living in this world a whole lot nicer to live in. To speak and act as if by waving your magic wand you could will it is just ignorant. So you have familial issues, have friends of color, have a sexuality that suits you…does any of that make you a spokesperson for all those oppressed? Not by a long shot. You still can walk away. Go back to your life that has afforded you privileges others cannot help but wish they could obtain.
And those who feel the need to say, well I may not agree with your choice of lifestyle, faith etc…just take a look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You too fall within the realm of that racism tag. It may be a passive aggressive form, but its still there. So you have a friend who is gay,straight,black, white,Hispanic,pagan,catholic,agnostic,christian. If you still make jokes at their expense out of earshot, you still have issues that need cleared up. You m’dear are a bigot. You cannot say or act one way to their face and then speak or act differently when they cannot see you. Know what a true test of character is? It’s how you speak, act even when nobody is paying attention. Giving even when not looking for an attaboy. So don’t think that the little sanctimonious speech you give someone trying to prove how different you are than the offenders changes what you truly are inside. You are nothing more than a pharisee who stands before god saying “see how good I am..much better than my neighbor”. Here today, I am calling bullshit. Check that mirror, accept your faults and work harder on making yourself into a better person. If we all work on our own limitations, then we won’t have time to worry about how different someone else is. It’s a small step, but I’ve heard it said that the journey begins with such a task. Imagine that..the true experience of life is in the small details.

The making of sweet tea and other euphamisms ;)

I’m sitting out under the trees where it’s nice and cool.  Table is set with delicious goodies and the sweet tea is nice and cold.  I have a friend who is coming to see me today. she hasnt told me that, but I know she’s on her way. I soon see her walking down the road. Walking in her unhurried way, just enjoying the feel of the sun as it caresses her face.  A butterfly dances in front of her and she is amused.  As she comes closer to where I am, she looks at the table under the trees.  ”I said nothing about coming today” she begins. “A little bird told me” I say, and we both laugh. I offer her refreshment, and tell her that I know she isnt a fan of sweet tea, but do have something stronger if she cares for it.  She accepts the tea, saves the other for later.  We sit and talk about various things,people, places. “You know, ” I begin”tea is a lot like people on their walks”.  she looks at me..”Did you add rum to your glass while I wasn’t looking?” she asked. I laugh.  ”Nope.  Think about it.  Making a great glass of tea is an art form”. She raises her eyebrows over her glass, trying not to laugh out loud at my silliness.  ”Ok, let me explain before you lose your self control”, I laughingly tell her. “Some people are always in a hurry to learn everything, adding lots of knowledge into their path.  Others learn just enough then run off never knowing there is so much more available. Then those who try to find a balance.  Making tea is the same.  Some want to toss in the tea bags, add water, boil the hell out of it.  It makes tea no doubt, but is so strong, the only thing its good for is dying fabric. Still others boil water and then just kiss the tea bag into it making potted tea..weak as fuck with no flavor.  The way I was taught was to boil the water, remove from the heat, add the tea, cover and let it steep for 3-5 minutes.  Just enough time to pull out the flavor,but not overwhelm the palate. Don’t get me started on the sweeteners”. Side eye..I laugh.  ”Ok ever see people order unsweetened tea in a restaurant then add that vile artificial shit to it”? she nods. “Yep..all they get is colored water with harsh chemicals in it.  You can NOT sweeten cold tea anyway. The trick is to add sugar while its hot..not so much that it becomes saccharine sweet, but delights the tongue with its sweet refreshment.  It gains sweetness as it cools”. Same as those of us walking.  Some try hard to add shit to their path that contradicts what they believe, how they were meant to practice.  It’s not good for them, but to fit in, they add it anyway..to be one of the kool kids..It doesnt work. Others add so much that it soon overpowers their original intent. The balance is to find that which fills your spirit with delight much as that first drink of cold sweet tea..it makes you want to finish that drink..seek out another taste.” My friend holds her glass up, observes its amber color glinting in the dappled sunlight as it filters through the trees. “Who knew so much was held within the depths of sweet tea”. “Shut up”, I say and we both laugh. We both sit and talk more on the value of sweet tea in our lives.  I’ve always enjoyed it..she is learning to accept it..and me.

No fucking cookies given from this quarter

Ever get your buttons pushed by something you read even if you don’t know the other people saying it?  It happens a lot if one takes an interest in the outside world.  Social media is good for that. I got one of those knee jerk responses today as I was reading.
So the post was about how kids expect on Christmas, and one said that they were so happy that their kids were happy getting a second hand tv and a few thoughtful gifts.  I have no issue with this.  Would make me glad my kids appreciated their gifts, and some second hand stuff is pretty damn good. So what is my issue? The smugness behind the comment and the next part that said others would be whining about wrong color ipad or wrong gift.  Do they want a cookie or an attaboy for their generosity?  I’ll give them that there are some kids who have not been raised to appreciate what they have, but to act as if you are a better parent, have better kids just reeks of hypocrisy.

I know that sometimes things are beyond one’s control, one cannot afford to buy the latest and greatest gadgets for the kids.  I respect that.  But planning ahead, layaway, searching the internet , second hand shops is doable.  And what of these parents who drink or smoke? Are they gonna give up that expense to provide for your kids something they specifically asked for? It’s a matter of priorities for me. When my kids were little, I listened throughout the year to see what they really liked, then bought accordingly.  As they grew, they made me a list and got a couple things off that were requested.  I do the same now for their little people.  I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I never have been. I’m just  fortunate to have a job that allows me to budget for the greatest gifts in my life.   Do my little ones get more than some?  YES.  Do they get less than others? YES.  Do they appreciate that they are blessed? YES.  Why is that?  Because we teach them that.  We go out of our way to help when and where we can throughout the year. Outgrown clothes in good shape go into shelter boxes as do toys.  We gift to the local food banks. In short, we teach, that “to whom much is given, much is required”…a phrase I grew up hearing from my Gran.

In short, my problem is people acting superior when in reality..they probably don’t know(or think about) the kids reality of the “what did santa bring you/what did you get for christmas” that goes on when they go back to school.  They may appreciate their gifts, but deep down the insecurity of not having what others have affects them.  So don’t delude yourself into thinking how great you are, because if you were, you would have made ONE item asked for appear, instead of something from the left-over column you had easy access to. This season is about giving..of self, of time, of love and placing others before yourself.  Not seeking out cookies, brownie points, attaboys, for a “job well done”, because from this quarter..I have none to spare

The old friendship is new again

I am sitting on the bank.  I like watching the play of the breeze upon the water below.  It’s the first time I’ve been back to the in-between in awhile.

“How long you going to stay mad at me Cher”, asks a familiar voice behind me.  I don’t even turn to look. “The thing abut trust.  It’s a difficult fence to rebuild.  It requires tiresome work”, I tell him.  Corwvyn sighs and sits down beside me. “I cannot change the things that happened”, he begins, “but I can make a promise to work harder at it never happening again”. I turn to look at him then.  He has aged since I last saw him. His silver hair longer and is eyes seem more tired. “So how are things”, I ask.  He throws his head back and laughs loudly.  “Know why I love you Cher? You can ask the most pointed questions without even asking what you really want to know”. I laugh as well and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t want to intentionally seem as if I am crossing boundaries.  If I ask circumferential then one can decide to tell me as much or as little as you want”.  He shakes his head amused. “To answer your direct question…my sister no longer controls the keep.  She and all who supported her have been banished.  My brother is ruler and his daughter is being groomed for her place when she is of proper age.”.  I raise an eyebrow but say nothing, so he continues.  “I am a consulate..one who walks the worlds and  does as I am required to do for our people.” I nod.  Big changes it seems.  Lot of challenges for my friend. Lot of work too.  “Seems you will be busy”, I say.  “What brings you here?” He smiles and looks at me. “I want to present us with a clean slate.  Start fresh, with no old hurts or misunderstandings interfering”. Wow…if he had come to me before, I’d have handed him his ass(or made a concerted effort to do so).  His betrayal of trust(even by omission) is hard for me. I locked the door so that he could not contact me, but have been thinking of relationships that I have done that with and considering if some deserve another chance or I should stick to my stubborn mind set and leave it as it is. I sigh deeply.  It’s a hard decision for me.  I’m not a vindictive person by nature, although when pushed or provoked I can become so.  Corwvyn sits and watches me as I go back and forth in my head about the pros and cons of such an alliance with him again. “If it helps any Cher, my being here is not connected in any way with my family or any of my people.  This is personal with me.  I miss our friendship, the laughter and the talks we have.  I miss you.  I know it’s my fault that I did not step in to keep you out of harm’s way, or to agree with you about insiders helping my sister.  I am most sorry about that.  I felt my place was beside my brother, and did not expect him to lay blame at your feet although you did nothing but help us from the beginning. I was wrong.  I ask you forgiveness and another chance to renew our friendship”. Tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “Why am I crying”, I think to myself. Maybe its because I too, miss having a friend who stands beside me when I need to talk things out with someone.  I don’t usually do that, even in the mundane because everyone else also has things going on, so I choose not to unload.  Makes it hard.  Corwvyn on the other hand has always encouraged me to speak on thoughts, dreams..worries.  I’ve missed him. So what to decide? If I do allow  the friendship to begin anew..can I trust him? Can I trust those who will indeed make their presence known although he says they will not…FFS! How can I be so damned indecisive? I close my eyes and just relax.  “Ok Cor..I’ll make a deal with you.I’m willing to start again..work this out but you cannot reveal it to anyone unless I agree to.” “But you will not have any such stipulations?” he asked. “Nope..those I tell already have my back and they help me stay balanced even when all hell is breaking loose”, I tell him. He nods.  …..~~SILENCE~ I’m beginning to wonder why he hesitates.  Is there another reason he is here after all? “Fine”, he says.  “I will allow you to dictate the rules concerning our friendship only because I really want us to be friends and because I have truly missed you”.  I look at him for a minute.  Reading his intent, seeking out any discernible deceit.  I find none, so agree as well.  Fr the first time he visibly relaxes. “I was really afraid you would send me packing and toss me over the cliff”, he laughed. “I considered it”, I conceded.  We sit in silence for a moment then he begins to talk to me like the old days. He tells me of what has happened with his people since I saw him last, of the changes they have made and how he feels about the direction they are headed now.  Seems as if I am not the only one that needs a place/person to vent to.  We talk for a long while catching up and then he has to leave.  “I have to go “, he says reluctantly.  “I have a meeting later with some of the outer villages about setting up their local leadership”.  I and and tel him I will see him again soon.  I stand and start to walk back to the entrance from my waking when he spies my companion.  “You travel with Brin these days”, he asks.  I look at him and tell him that she is always with me since it is safer than allowing myself to be harmed by those who don’t care how their goal is achieved”. He nods.  Brin and I begin to make our way home.  I look sideways at her and tell her “I know, I think I’m a little nuts as well.  We’ll see how this goes”. She gives me a quick hug and we go home.

Maybe I am more than a little crazy for allowing people to come and go in my life, but sometimes they serve a purpose.  I dont always get that lesson the first time around, so have to revisit from time to time. At least I’m playing the game safer this time around and that is always a good thing.

Living life as myself

“Given a choice between my life and yours, I will choose mine. Every time. Without hesitation. “

This is the time of greed, commercialism, right?  Well not to hear those  who spout off about the origins of said holiday season. One side will be the “Jesus was born..reason for the season” kind of thing..then the pagans will claim that it was “stolen from them” and the war is on.Add in the Santa and the spying on children by malicious elves, and its a whole mess.  What is the commonality then among all this? Mass quantities.  Have you seen some of the lists given out by people asking for gifts?  Seriously. Saw where one woman said her 5 kids had to pare their gift list down from the 1000.00 gift tag to 10 items no mare than 50.00 each..hello?  That is still 500.00 a piece!!!!!!! And she was upset that it had to happen, as were her kids who had grown up expecting such.  See..I don’t get that..Maybe its because money has never been that important to me other than making sure my bills got paid and my kids had all they needed and the occasional treat.  I can’t think that I’m the only one who feels like this am I?  I jokingly say that next life plan I am going to make sure I have more coinage in my pocket as well as no kids :)…In truth, I might have written this one explicitly like this for a reason…working hard for what I have and kids, their kids, other people’s kids who found their way to my home.  Maybe I demanded those that are in charge of such things to work this plan out just so..IDK. What I do know is that I refuse to spend time whining over what could have been…what I wish to see, or that your life is better than mine..charmed as it were.  That is a waste of energy, air space and dreams.” Better than the demons I know than those you’ve conjured up”.       

Grinchy holidays

There was a time when I loved holidays.  The gathering of family, friends with no other place to go made Thanksgiving a day filled with too much food, tons of laughter, plenty to drink, football, games played. A day enjoyed by all in true southern style.  Christmas…the lights, candies, cookies, gifts to neighbors, friends, special things bought for family to see that smile of amazement come across their face.  That was a perfect day for me.
When did it change? I guess when the dynamics of family changed.  I lost my brother, then both parents.  Children moved off, their children scattered so that I don’t get to see them like I used to. It saddens me. Leaves me with feeling of depression, being unappreciated and just an all around scrooge.

But I’ve been paying attention to others as they too have their come apart about holidays and family, and have decided to suck it up, and make this season one about loving those that are around me. Watching the look on the face of a special child as she unwraps gifts she has specifically asked for. I don’t want my attitude about things to diminish another’s happiness in the day.  It’s unfair of me, and hurts people unnecessarily.  Even if I have to step back and just observe others from the periphery to preserve that for them, then I will do so.  It’s the least I can for others.

Now where did I put that rum?

Pardon my perception

It’s odd sometimes how we speak, write , lay things out in the open and then are taken aback by others perceptions of it. We are so used to just speaking(often before much thought) about situations or events that when someone says something about what we’ve spoken on..it gives us pause, in some cases may even take us aback.

Such has been the case this week for me. I’ve seen comments from some on particular aspects of a path I choose to work and they are so off base that when I made a statement on them, someone else has decided that apparently I am judgmental(aren’t we all at some point?). The omnipotent ruler of all that the path entails, or as one says “you know jack about this”.  Fine.  Their opinion I guess.  I do happen to know a little about some things, but I’ll sit back and watch with popcorn and rum while you hang your ass out in the wind. Makes me no difference other than it gripes me when I see people pushing shit as truth..but maybe there is a market for that and I haven’t caught onto the trend yet.

Then there are posts on dreams..MY dreams.  I had one ask if I “copied” the style from a friend . Nope, but I enjoy reading theirs. I’ve walked dreamscapes all of my life, as long as I could remember them and they have served to teach me well.  But recently I’ve reverted back to an old habit…the “I’m not good enough, they won’t like me.”..kind of thing..It pisses me off…at myself.  It makes me second guess what I say, how I interact with others. Why do I allow old triggers to take up space?  Maybe because there is so much going on with circus drama, stress of hell, that I forgot to check the lock on that baggage.  I don’t know..but it happened.  What triggered it?  Someone entered an area that they consider “my” space. It weirded them out.  What I heard was old garbage..it kept me awake all night trying to whip the old fears, tears, and anger and pain back into the cellar where I’ve had it buried.  Was I successful? Am I not here writing? All snark aside…I was semi successful.  I didnt explode, cry or whine..but I also didn’t speak about it to anyone that would have been helpful, so I still feel the nudges. Does this change things between me and the other person?  No..I don’t “own” the elsewhere, nor do I presume to set a boundary with NO Trespassing signs to warn others.  They will travel as they will and sometimes there will be overlap.  ~shrugs~.  I also cannot control how others will feel about their experiences.  For me, most of the time I enjoy being there more than in the mundane. My perception, feelings and triggers are mine…nobody else has to claim responsibility for them.  We’ve muddled through for a long time together.  One of these days I might learn to kick their ass to the curb for good, until then they stay locked in the cellar until they pick the lock.

The above perceptions are mine and mine alone.  Nobody else gets to claim responsibility or try and “help” me because truthfully, I’ve always fought alone with what threatens to push me off the precipice. I’ll work through shit, kick some ass and come out of the other side of the mirror stronger, standing yelling that I’m still here so if I’m to be taken down..they better bring their “A” game.  I believe I’ll go have some rum.

Bolster and Support

This dream-set is from the other day, but I hadn’t written it down because I wanted my friend to say something to me before I did.  She has, so now I write:
“SHAE!”.  I hear a voice calling me.  I look around but don’t see anyone, so continue to lay out the herbs for drying.  “SHAE!” The voice comes again. I put down my herbs.  “Brin”, I call.  “I have to go help her”.  Brin hands me my cloak and we set off in the direction of the sound.  It doesn’t take me long to travel the elsewhere.  I just locked onto the sound,and the scent of the one who called to me. Oh dear gods.  I am standing right on the doorstep of the boneyard.I have only come here once and was grudgingly allowed to do so, and am not sure of my reception now. “SHAE”! I am called once more.  The cry is asking me to come, and sounds so tired.  That’s it.  I go in..and whomever doesn’t like it be damned. As I enter, I see the hugest raven I have ever laid eyes on.  He looks as if I could be a tasty morsel, so I decide that the best approach would be to just speak to him.  “My friend has called for me and needs my help”, I tell him.  “If you could just point me in her direction, I will collect her and be on my way”.  He stares at me once more, then bends his head as if to give his consent.  Instead of pointing me the direction to go, he takes off in flight.  I watch until he looks back as if to say “well…come on then”. I waste no time in following him. We go past pyres of bones  that have been arranged. Some elaborately so, others done in a haphazard manner as if they were just stacked until another time for use.  I follow the raven to a secluded place in the boneyard, away from the other pyres.  I laugh to myself.  “Where else would such a one have her own personal corner?”, I think to myself.  I see my friend laid upon a pyre.  The bones lovingly laid in an intricate manner that resembles the stitches she herself creates.  But before I can step forward, I see HER. Ravenwoman.  “Damn”, I think.She turns as she catches a glimpse of me.  “I am fucked”, I tell myself.  Just then I hear my friend whimper in pain.  I can see that she is past the point of exhaustion. She needs rest.  Real rest.  Not some psuedo nap promised by someone that slides off into another view of the elsewhere.  She has to stop to allow herself to become reasonably whole.  Well, if I have to fight to help her I will.  I don’t want to, because it will obviously not be pretty, nor will it allow me to take care of my friend. I step forward and let my friend know that I am here.  She has been through much as I survey her damaged body with its bruises and cuts.  She is so tired that she cannot open her eyes to see my face.  “I am so tired”, she says.  “This is no place for you to rest , my sweet”, I tell her.  “Take my hand and I will take us somewhere to rest properly”.  She grabs my left hand and I pull her to stand beside me.  Placing my arm around her waist, I tell her”We are going to walk right out of here and be on our way”.  I think that was actually for us all.  First to reassure myself because to tell the truth, Ravenwoman scares the fuck out of me, secondly to let my friend know what we are doing, and last but certainly not least to tell Ravenwoman my plans.  Yeah I know..why allow an adversary know of such, but I’ve found that knowing or not knowing, they still find a way to try and fuck things up, so I just save us both time and give them a heads up.  I turn us towards the exit and Ravenwoman makes a move to stop us.  she tries to grab my friends hand when a cloud of black flies in between us.  Ravens.  Hundreds of them, like they are building a wall of feathers to keep the divide and allows us to move down the path to leave.  At the entrance is again the great big Raven.  I thank him for his assistance and bid him farewell, then we walk through the gate.  I call Brin from wherever she has secreted herself and she joins us.  “She is exhausted”, I tell her “and we need to find a secluded place for her to rest without others trying to come see about her”. Brin nods then picks up my friend since she is clearly too tired to walk, and we make our way to the dragons lair. I smile as I see the entrance.  It’s secluded and appears to be nothing more than mists hanging in the valley. But  NOBODY comes here without invitation. You either come with dragon guide or have a key.  I happen to have both, but this place is used sparingly by myself. Brin and I make our way to our private glen where there is a twig lean-to with a small fire burning for light in front of it. Brin places my friend down onto the pallet inside and prepares the fire for more heat and the making of tea.  I sit beside my friend and tell her to rest.  She is safe and secure and I will be here with her when she wakes.  She takes my hand, asks me to stay, so I lie beside her and stroke her hair to soothe away her pain.  Her strength amazes me at times, the things she sees, goes through.  I’d build her a pedestal for her heroics, but she’s just place my head on it,lol.  “You both should rest”, Brin breaks in on my silliness.  I agree, but ask her to tell us a story.  Pretty childish, but I’ve learned that even pushed to our limits, if the mind is focused elsewhere then we rest deeper.  Brin smiles and begins to tell of swamps, weavers, spiders and ravens.  “You aren’t going to dump me in the swamp are you”? asks my friend.  I laugh and tell her I might consider it if she interrupts the story again. She laughs as well, then closes her eyes and this time drifts off into a peaceful rest.  We rest …no clue how long since time is not relevant in the elsewhere, but it was enough time to recharge and feel more like ourselves.  I awake to see my friend drinking tea with Brin and giggling over some joke.  “Don’t mind me”, I say.  “I am just the witch with herbs to dry”.  “I’m sorry I interrupted you”, my friend begins.  I punch her lightly on the shoulder.  “Hush”, I tell her”you needed the help and I was able to give it.  End of discussion”.  I take my mug of tea from Brin and we sit and talk a bit, then clear the camp, washing the cups, dampening down the flame of the fire.  Brin leads us back to the entrance of the lair and I hug my friend good-by and tell her “Be careful on the way home..and I will talk to you later”.  She waves goodbye and Brin and I make our way back to the cabin and herbs.  I think of how badly things could have gone and shake my head.  I’ll have to find a special offering to the raven for his assist, but in the meantime, I think I’ve earned myself some rum(not that I ever deprive myself really).

Dealing with grief

Grief is grief even if its not over something tangible.  We still have to go through the steps of letting go, setting aside what was in order to get to the what will become.  

There are stages that one has to go through and I’ve listed them for those who may need to recognize them in the losses you may have had or are having in your life:

Shock and Denial:   It’s often hard to believe that what just happened really did.  Whether it’s an unexpected death, a job loss, loss of material possession or even violation of a sacred trust.  We often want so badly to deny this actually occurred, that it’s hard to wrap our minds around it, that it causes a great deal of pain.

 

Pain and Guilt:  After the shock wear off, we are hit with the pain.  It is often manifested into a physical one, causing the stress to make us ache, we become ill,unable to focus.  They physical emotional pain also cause problems and one can be tempted to dull that with an outside lubricant to coat it and make it more manageable with drugs or alcohol or even sleep.

 

Anger and Bargaining:  After some of the pain wears down to a manageable force, we become angry.  Angry at the situation, angry that others are walking around breathing when we are so bereft. Angry at even the person who left us. Angry even at ourselves.  How could we have allowed ourselves to become so involved that we are left feeling like this?  It can also resort to bargaining.  Asking the universe, god whomever has the power to change things, to bring them back, to let you go with them…Not happening of course, but its a valid emotion in us frail humans.

 

Depression, reflection, loneliness:  Just when you think life has come to an even keel…we begin reflecting.  Thinking about our lives, how it feels with the loss, the emptiness that is there since there is now a void. Don’t try and set this part aside.  Well-meaning people will tell you “suck it up” , and move on since life hasn’t stopped.  The thing is..this type of reflection is good for us.  It helps us evaluate where we are and how to move forward.  In the aftermath of when the loss occurred, things are usually in a whirlwind of movement and we haven’t had a chance to latch on to what our feelings actually are or how to deal with them.  You could become so grief stricken that you feel you cannot move forward, and center into a depressive state.  That is when its time to find someone to help you..Nobody said you had to deal with grief alone.  A trusted friend, family, even professional can be helpful.  For myself..I write.  It clears the storm from my head and heart and I can set it to private and later on when settled go back and see just how far I have come in my finding balance again.

Acceptance:  There is a lot of reconstructive work to go through to get to this place.  There is no time limit set.  Everyone has their own time frame.  Does it mean you will ever get over the loss?  Nope..what it does mean is that you can learn to accept that the loss is there and find a way to live life again, with happiness, love and meaning.

We’ve all experienced loss of one kind or another.  Those in the northeast have lost material things, family members, peace of mind.  they will have to move through these steps as they rebuild their lives.  It’s not an easy task, but can be done.  For me, the loss of trust, is one that is the most difficult.  Those who have held a sacred place within one’s inner core and callously violate it…that is a pain that is harder to deal with.  Physical pains heal, materials can be replaced, people who leave us will be remembered..but trust is hard to rebuild. It too, has to work its way through the stages of grief and allow us to become whole. I sometimes have to remember that like any other part of my life, time and moving through the process allows for the healing.  We all need that reminder from time to time.

 

 

OATHBREAKER

I was tied down for my own good recently, but this night I went to the crossroads.  As I sat under the bridge waiting for those who would come, I pulled my cloak around me.  I had a feeling tonight was going to be eventful and I wanted to be ready. First came a friend who had waited for me the night before, but due to my being unwell I had kind of stood her up.  We greet each other warmly and share a bottle of rum that I have with me.  We speak about conversations we had started in the waking and things we needed to say to one anther but had not found the time to do so. She takes her leave with a promise to hang out later and I sit and wait for one that I know is sure to come.  I don’t have long to wait.  I smell the cigar before he gets to where I am sitting.  “Under the bridge?” he asks amused.  “I’m practicing my troll thing”, I tell him with a most serious voice.  He throws his head back and laughs.  He stretches his legs out and leans back against the wall of dirt that makes the bern of the bridge and tells me that I have grown much since we first met.  No longer am I afraid of everyone and everything.  Well duh..it was all so new that I was a little freaked out to be doing the things I was doing or knowing whom I knew. He laughs again and then sobers as we drink.  “What do you know of oath breakers?” he asked.  “I know that they don’t deserve to suck air”, I tell him.  “To violate a trust given to one is almost one of the most unpardonable sins I can imagine.” One I will not tolerate. He nods. “And is there one in your midst?” I look up sharply.  He does not ask these things lightly. There is always a reason. “Apparently I do or you would not ask”, I say.  The cold that he usually keeps at bay as I sit with him begins to invade my bones.  “My apologies for cutting this short, but I have someone to go find”, I tell him.  “Quite alright Cher,” he says.  “We will speak again”. And with that he strides away.  I make my way to the road and set off, calling Brin to me.  We discuss whom within my circle would dare to be so stupid and piss me off by violating my trust.  We come up with a couple of candidates, and speak on how to rectify this situation.  As we walk, I see a light from a fire up ahead and something calls to me…that feeling of needing to see what is there. I ask Brin to secrete herself until I call for her and instantly she goes invisible.  I shake my head smiling.  I really wish I knew how she does that.  I hear a child’s voice crying.  “Please tell my Nana where I am”, it says.  “OMFD! That sweet voice belongs to the princess and whoever has her will pay dearly.  I step into the clearing.  “I am here Sweet Face”, I tell her. Sit tight and I will come to you.”.  She is sitting in the middle of a trail of honey that circles around her.  I see an army of ants that are approaching, and know that she is terrified. She doesn’t care much for bugs in the waking, so know that here in the elsewhere, she is afraid.  I pick up the leader of the ants gently and speak with him.  I tell him that the child belongs to me and that if he will allow me to remove her, then the honey will be left for them all.  He agrees, and I return him to his army.  They remain still. I walk closer to the princess and someone steps out.  It is the man with no feet.  “Are you not tired of getting your ass kicked”, I ask? He snorts and gestures to his missing feet. “I am still upright”, he says, “so obviously you aren’t doing too much good with your puny attempts”. I smile slightly.  “My mistake.  One that will NOT happen again”, I tell him. But first things first.  the child has to be removed or the ants will lose patience.  I call Brin to me and she appears.  The man with no feet’s eyes widen  and he yells.  “I told them you work with demons!  How else would you be able to stay out of the traps!  Evil bitch!  Stay away from me”! I shake my head and tell Brin to remove the baby and take her home.  She doesn’t want to leave me, but we hear movement in the bushes and George and the dog both appear.  I laugh.  “Were you hunting for us or something else?” I ask. “Something else”, he says.  I tell Brin that George and the dog will stay with me but she needs to take the princess home and remain with her to keep her safe.  She agrees and  I tell the princess that she will be going home.  I remove her and hold her close to warm her and put her into a sleep before handing her to Brin. They leave and I relax a bit because I know that no more harm will befall her.  As we move out away from the circle of honey, the ants claim their reward.  I then turn my attention to the man with no feet. I call upon my sword and advance softly.  I am one pissed witch.  George and the dog follow behind me.  The man with no feet tries to back up but has nowhere to go since there is a large tree behind him. I corner him and pin his arms and legs with the daggers that have materialized from thin air. I am going to make sure you do not bother me and mine ever again.  “If you spare my life, I will tell you who of your circle helped me”, he begins.  I stop.  As much as I would love to eviscerate him and dine upon his entrails, I am aware that if I do not stop the leak within my “house” others such as the princess will again be used as bait or worse. I howl in frustration.  “I want to kill your fucking ass and dance in your blood, feast upon your entrails and make trinkets of your skull”, I yell at him. “For fuck’s sake! You have no shame in using a scared child!” As I am yelling, daggers keep coming and hitting the tree making an outline of his body(I could become a circus act given this talent).  He keeps whining and begging.  Finally George puts his hand on my shoulder.  “I know you want to kill him cher, but you need to use him right now”, he says.  I look up at him with tears on my face. I do know he is right, but damn this cuts me in two.  “Fine”. I turn to the man with no feet who is still whining like the fucking asscricket he is and I ask him, “who was it”? He begins with a rambling answer and I place my sword at his throat.  “My patience is sorely limited so this had better be a direct answer, who is it”? Whether it was the sword held at his throat or the look on my face, he tells me the name. Fine..a person on the list, not so unexpected after all and proving that I do know those in my circle after all.  I am a little relieved.  I tell George and the dog to do what they will with the man with no feet, I have no use for him and I hear him yell after me as I move on farther in search of the oath breaker.  No matter..I care less what he says..he will be dealt with.  I find her. She sits on a log crying.  “Why do you cry”? I ask her. She looks up at me bruised and battered.  “He said he would not hurt her or you if I helped, but when she cried, I tried to help her and he slapped me around”. The coldness that surrounded me as I looked at her would have made one thing I was the ghede…there was nothing but contempt for her now.  She still speaks as a child.  “Why would you do this to me?  To the baby? For someone you don’t even fucking know”? I ask. “I just wanted your attention”, she whined.  “We don’t talk anymore and when we do, you’re usually telling me how ignorant I am for listening to others”. “Wait.  Let me get this straight.  You are feeling butthurt over my lack of coddling so you violated the trust between us and allowed someone who is nothing but a crap of shit to harm one that I would give my life for.  Does that about cover it?” She bows her head and whispers “I am sorry”.  “Yeah well sorry doesn’t even begin to come close to covering this shit …this time its gone too far.  I am breaking that bond between us and severing the ties. You will not have a moment’s peace..the dreams will not be filled with puppies and lollipops, they will have shiamats blood..things that will remind you that you are feast for the crows.  We are done.” Most would not think I would allow an oath breaker to survive, but this removal of self is sufficient until I can get past the anger.  I turn to return home and she whines yet again, “Aren’t you going to help me get home”? My rage is almost more than I can stand.  here she almost cost me a gift so dear and violated a trust that I held sacred and yet still has the audacity to ask no demand help? I take a few seconds to breathe deep and collect myself before turning. ” I am not helping you do shit, I say.  “What I can do is allow some light for you to find your own way back”.  With that, I wave my hands and light appear through the woods as if they are a garden path lit up by fairy lights.  “Go home”, I tell her tiredly. She gets to her feet and still crying, she makes her way following the lights.  I turn and make my way home.I find Brin has tucked the princess into bed and she is unharmed, if a little restless.  I remove my cloak and crawl into bed beside her, pulling her close to me.  We finish the night that way. Brin standing guard. What happened to the man with no feet?  I don’t know, don’t care.  I left that in George’s capable hands.  Whatever he decided is fine by me.
When we awoke this morning, the princess looked at me and asked if there were bugs.  I tell her no, they don’t come into our home.  She is relieved.  We spend part of the morning playing tea party and enjoying the laughter and time spent together.  Brin stands watch.  Never again will ANYONE be allowed close enough to use the child as a weapon.  It’s time to start taking care of shit I had let slide and those who question or disagree will fall by the wayside.  If they don’t, then they too will be dealt with. Today I am still pissed, so tread lightly.