Be Who You Are

Be who you are.  It’s been a refrain moving through my head all damn day. Like an earworm you can’t unplug, the sound keeps getting louder and louder.  Nice thought. Unless one has no fucking clue just exactly who that is.

I have a basic idea of who I am. Every time. I connect with healing aspects, and walk with a foot on either side of the divide. Maybe because of being born associated with so close to cusp(if one was to go by signs) or maybe I just choose to select that which is familiar to me. Why would I do that? We often associate with the familiar because even if its painful, its something we know. Does that make it healthy or productive?  Not always.

I’ve accumulated names each time..some fit me..others do not .  Some feel like a too large mantle draped on my shoulders.  They are uncomfortable to me even though they could easily fit.  I have friends who teasingly call me names that I back away from and yet looking at what I tend to do..then it is a point.  We are all students and as such even professors cannot be limited in their quest for knowledge.

While I recognize my limitations, I see many who tend to puff themselves up into the “knower of of ALL things/paths”.  One kind of has to look suspect at that if you are looking for a teacher to help you along. If they are going to pull in all aspects of new age into a Diaspora that relies heavily on entities not found in a new age path, you should probably look elsewhere. If you are seeking a mentor for a specific path, then be careful who and what you come in contact with.  There are many out there willing to take advantage, for a price,who will sell you anything you want..or think you do.

My suggestion? Look inside and see who you are..really.Be who you are. It takes time to realize this little gem of a lesson.  Sometimes we don’t pay enough attention to the guides who whisper, often scream in our ear …But eventually most of us wake up, take a step back, grab a glass of rum and get down to the business at hand.

saisir le jour


Reflections, reflections, what do we see?

mirror picture“Mirrors are perpetually deceitful. They lie and steal your true self. They reveal only what your mind believes it sees”
Dee RemyThere Once Was A Boy

I think it it’s the one looking into the mirror that is deceitful actually. Mirrors are portals, allowing us to see what we wish to see.  We can convince ourselves of many things while checking that mirror.  We can convince ourselves that we are a “good” person..Our morals better than the majority and our walk closer to the angels singing their hallelujah’s to god, but it’s our actions that resonate. What we say and do reflects on us so much more than what we profess to be.

I am far from perfect.I know that shocks ya’ll. Seriously. I have faults..I’m opinionated, snarky as fuck, bossy and Obsessive Compulsion and anti social especially in large settings. BUT…I am honest..very direct and set high standards for myself and those within my circle. So it was with some dismay that I found some that I respect and like to come across as narrow minded, judgmental and distorting truth with something obviously taken out of context and made into something else entirely. When I called them on tried to justify their thinking..and tonight one outright deleted me from her list because she refuses to admit she was wrong. I am sorry about both situations. I hold them both in high regard and I’m disappointed to lose the friendship of one. ~Shrugs~I will not lower my standards. I hold myself to be honest, compassionate and fair..but don’t expect me to ignore ignorance, lies and downright poor judgement..I WILL call bullshit every time! And if that means you walk..then I guess you will do what is best for you. But I sincerely hope you decide to look and find a few truths in that mirror of yours. It reflects your light back to you.

Removing the dross

I smile as I see the buttercups in the yard waving their perfect blooms as if spring is already here.  The warmth as of late belies the fact that the calendar says there are several more weeks until it’s official.

It’s one of my favorite seasons..all the renewing of the trees, flowers, even self. Self? Yep. In many paths, there are celebrations of all this renewal, but few give thought that to have all this, one must also remove the dead. Catholics after all their gaiety and celebration have Ash Wednesday(day of atonement) and then Lent..a 40 day time of sacrifice in order to prepare for a rebirth(Easter). I too use this time in a similar fashion. Beginning with Fet ghede, after the honoring of ancestors, I use the darker months as reflection.  Time to see where I can tweak, change or even toss things. So begins the spring renewal after all celebrations are over, the air warms my spirit, and the first blooms appear to bring a smile on my face. I begin to clean house.  This isn’t always in a literal sense,although looking around, I see there  are things that can be recycled, tossed or given away. My “house” is my physical and spiritual self. Watching as others flail, I am reminded that I too am sometimes unsteady in the water and while I am not in danger of drowning, I do need to sink my feet a little deeper in the soil so I am not swayed one way or the other with something that neither suits me nor fulfills me. So I have pulled into myself a little as of late. Not to shut others out really, but to ask those who guide me how better to achieve what I am seeking…to gain a new awareness of self and knowledge in which to apply it. They have been helpful in the past, so I’m looking forward to seeing where they lead me.

I’ve also begun to take better care of the physical. No, I am not laying down the rum…that’s probably at the bottom of the list if I were to make one.  I have decided to give up the diet cokes I live on…from the time I leave the house until I get home…that’s a lot of soda..not healthy.  Tea at least has restorative properties and I’ve begun drinking more.  Green tea with honey and ginseng in the mornings and iced tea throughout the day with a hot cup of chamomile with honey before bed. The Rum?  Oh it’s in there somewhere ;). I am also walking more.  I sit in hell all day, and to make money, I don’t get up often.  So its hard on my aging body with its arthritic aches and pains.  I’ve read where longer slow walks are actually better than running full stop, so I’ve decided to try it out. Even a mile a day is better than nothing right? On the bright side it is healthier for the old ticker which likes to remind me of my human form from time to time.

So even though I dont celebrate traditionally as other faiths, this is my time of renewal..I’ve even gotten a friend to tap into my “no soda” ban, although her resolve may be slipping just a tad since she dreamed of having a coke the other night,lol.  We’ll see how she does.  But even if you dont reach for the mundane things to change, search for something that could use a sprucing doesn’t have to be big.  All journeys start with a single step..

storm in a teacup

I’ve been to Greece. The clear blue of  the Aegean brought home to me this was the home of the gods. The birthplace of the Olympics. You could feel their presence as if they still walked the streets.

Such is the feeling I get as I now sit by a long pool.I seem to be without my cloak which is odd because I carry it all the time, much like a security blanket of a child.  But I sit now dressed in simple white toga style dress by the pool, letting my fingers drift and caress the warm water….waiting. I don’t have to wait long. Ke shows up in a blur of frenetic energy. Walking to and fro along the white marble of the pool , causing ripples to appear like a fast moving stream. All calm and stillness has evaporated.Still, I sit calmly, almost as if I have been turned into one of those Grecian statues. This infuriates Ke who continue the walking, upping the pace, speaking everything they have to say. And yet, I sit still. It is not my place to tell Kir what changes need to be made, not give permissions for what they seek. That would need the help of whatever gods they serve. Ke still channels energy, calling forth such that I am engulfed in the blue white heat and yet I am sitting as if inside a snowglobe.  The heat does not reach me, its purpose it to provoke reaction. I look sadly at Ke.  I cannot.  I shake my head. Ke howls with despair. The energy grows and I am sitting in the middle of a tempest. Buffeted by winds of flame, I can hear the cries  of “why” and “please”. Still I cannot.  If I relent, this would be the end of many things. The energy is intense. Almost more than I can handle, and probably could not if the stone I wear hadn’t recently been opened. Higher and hotter it grows and I just sit there as if I am marble.  Then I realize it has stopped and has grown quiet. I look up from where I had been doing an in depth study of my hands.  I looked directly at Ke and they say “thank you” and in a flash are gone. Silent tears flow down my face, gathering in the pool . I didn’t help. I just sat thee..What good am I if I can’t help?  The tears flow faster and I can feel where the flames have touched my body. I didnt notice it before because I was concentrating…on…wtf was I concentrating on? This whole thing has me feeling bereft, alone and pissed..yeah at a lot of things.
I awoke to the mundane sore, headache, teary eyed and feeling more than a little warm. The flames still stayed with me I guess. This will require some thought and speaking with others eventually.  Until then, I will seek solace of the solitude of shadows.



Visions of Gray

It’s gray. Everywhere I turn to look, I see the same color.  Not just gray..various shades of it. Dark,light, gray. Even the rock I sit on is gray. A soft whitish form,but still gray. It feels as if I have been pulled into a cloud of fog because there is no definitive shadow. Just where is this place and why am I here I wonder to myself. The stillness of the grey is peaceful, so I pull my cloak closer and sit on the rock with my eyes staring into the nothingness of fog like surroundings and enjoy the respite of what is normally a busy time for me.

“What do you seek Girl”? comes a voice from behind. “I wasn’t aware that I was”, I answered without turning around. I heard a chuckle. “She did say you would be direct”, Ke said.I never turned around but wondered to myself just which “she” had spoken of me and what had I gotten myself into this time.”Everyone seeks Girl”, says the voice again…”what is it you seek?” “I wasn’t aware that I was at the moment”,I said. “But I will accept that you say that I am”. I hear a laugh again.  It reminds me of crystal chimes twinkling on the breeze..clear and melodic and fits well with the grayness of the scene around me. “You do not turn around.  why is that”? Ke asks.  This time it is I who laughs.  “I do not turn around because when I do, I will have to acknowledge who or what you are and I am not sure I am ready for that yet”.We both laugh then and Ke agrees that I was correct in that assessment. I ponder the question presented to me and wonder if there is something within that I truly seek. I sometimes wish for things I have in the elsewhere would materialize in the mundane..sanctuary, acceptance, knowledge..but is there something I seek in the Elsewhere? That would take some shadow work I think, and maybe a trip to the swamp to spin this with those who know me better than I know myself. “I am sorry  if I am wasting your time”, I tell the voice. “But I seriously have no idea just what is is that I seek…I do feel the hollow that feels as if a piece is missing, but have not sufficiently searched myself to know what should reside there”.  This time there was no laughing, but a genuine sympathy within the voice. “I understand your dilemma”, ke says to me. “Go and speak with those you choose to speak with and when you are ready, come back and we will discuss it”. I agree and only then do I turn to face the voice.
I will not describe that I saw, because as I told Kir, to do so would be to accept, and I am not sure I can do so at this time. I will say that which I saw was and was not a surprise really. And today that is making me laugh a little to myself as I get ready to do some seeking.

The ignorance of privilege

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I am privileged. I know this, accept it for what it is, because I cannot change it. And to pretend otherwise would be ignorant on my part, not to mention dishonest.

What makes me privileged? I am a decently well educated white woman. While there are limits based upon gender and others who are more educated than I,
I still have options open to me based upon gender, or color. I have seen others treated abominably just because of their race, sexual preference and even their preferred faith or lack of it. And while I can empathize and yell with righteous indignation, I cannot truly relate to how they feel because of my status of privilege.
And yet I see many who reach out in their ignorance and pretend to do just that. They play the “I’m not racist” card all the while sitting up on their pedestal feeling all superior and demanding a pat on the back for being so sincere in their offers of “help”. “Oh honey, let me give you a hand up because I never want you to feel like you are a second class citizen ever again”. Nice in its premise that one can change someone else’s emotions and their perspective of the situation, but in actuality its bullshit. How one sees the situation is their opinion and you cannot change the way they feel about it. It’s theirs to own. You also cannot change others who treat people with a lack of respect both in their actions and words. If one could do so, it would make living in this world a whole lot nicer to live in. To speak and act as if by waving your magic wand you could will it is just ignorant. So you have familial issues, have friends of color, have a sexuality that suits you…does any of that make you a spokesperson for all those oppressed? Not by a long shot. You still can walk away. Go back to your life that has afforded you privileges others cannot help but wish they could obtain.
And those who feel the need to say, well I may not agree with your choice of lifestyle, faith etc…just take a look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You too fall within the realm of that racism tag. It may be a passive aggressive form, but its still there. So you have a friend who is gay,straight,black, white,Hispanic,pagan,catholic,agnostic,christian. If you still make jokes at their expense out of earshot, you still have issues that need cleared up. You m’dear are a bigot. You cannot say or act one way to their face and then speak or act differently when they cannot see you. Know what a true test of character is? It’s how you speak, act even when nobody is paying attention. Giving even when not looking for an attaboy. So don’t think that the little sanctimonious speech you give someone trying to prove how different you are than the offenders changes what you truly are inside. You are nothing more than a pharisee who stands before god saying “see how good I am..much better than my neighbor”. Here today, I am calling bullshit. Check that mirror, accept your faults and work harder on making yourself into a better person. If we all work on our own limitations, then we won’t have time to worry about how different someone else is. It’s a small step, but I’ve heard it said that the journey begins with such a task. Imagine that..the true experience of life is in the small details.

The making of sweet tea and other euphamisms ;)

I’m sitting out under the trees where it’s nice and cool.  Table is set with delicious goodies and the sweet tea is nice and cold.  I have a friend who is coming to see me today. she hasnt told me that, but I know she’s on her way. I soon see her walking down the road. Walking in her unhurried way, just enjoying the feel of the sun as it caresses her face.  A butterfly dances in front of her and she is amused.  As she comes closer to where I am, she looks at the table under the trees.  ”I said nothing about coming today” she begins. “A little bird told me” I say, and we both laugh. I offer her refreshment, and tell her that I know she isnt a fan of sweet tea, but do have something stronger if she cares for it.  She accepts the tea, saves the other for later.  We sit and talk about various things,people, places. “You know, ” I begin”tea is a lot like people on their walks”.  she looks at me..”Did you add rum to your glass while I wasn’t looking?” she asked. I laugh.  ”Nope.  Think about it.  Making a great glass of tea is an art form”. She raises her eyebrows over her glass, trying not to laugh out loud at my silliness.  ”Ok, let me explain before you lose your self control”, I laughingly tell her. “Some people are always in a hurry to learn everything, adding lots of knowledge into their path.  Others learn just enough then run off never knowing there is so much more available. Then those who try to find a balance.  Making tea is the same.  Some want to toss in the tea bags, add water, boil the hell out of it.  It makes tea no doubt, but is so strong, the only thing its good for is dying fabric. Still others boil water and then just kiss the tea bag into it making potted tea..weak as fuck with no flavor.  The way I was taught was to boil the water, remove from the heat, add the tea, cover and let it steep for 3-5 minutes.  Just enough time to pull out the flavor,but not overwhelm the palate. Don’t get me started on the sweeteners”. Side eye..I laugh.  ”Ok ever see people order unsweetened tea in a restaurant then add that vile artificial shit to it”? she nods. “Yep..all they get is colored water with harsh chemicals in it.  You can NOT sweeten cold tea anyway. The trick is to add sugar while its hot..not so much that it becomes saccharine sweet, but delights the tongue with its sweet refreshment.  It gains sweetness as it cools”. Same as those of us walking.  Some try hard to add shit to their path that contradicts what they believe, how they were meant to practice.  It’s not good for them, but to fit in, they add it be one of the kool kids..It doesnt work. Others add so much that it soon overpowers their original intent. The balance is to find that which fills your spirit with delight much as that first drink of cold sweet makes you want to finish that out another taste.” My friend holds her glass up, observes its amber color glinting in the dappled sunlight as it filters through the trees. “Who knew so much was held within the depths of sweet tea”. “Shut up”, I say and we both laugh. We both sit and talk more on the value of sweet tea in our lives.  I’ve always enjoyed it..she is learning to accept it..and me.

No fucking cookies given from this quarter

Ever get your buttons pushed by something you read even if you don’t know the other people saying it?  It happens a lot if one takes an interest in the outside world.  Social media is good for that. I got one of those knee jerk responses today as I was reading.
So the post was about how kids expect on Christmas, and one said that they were so happy that their kids were happy getting a second hand tv and a few thoughtful gifts.  I have no issue with this.  Would make me glad my kids appreciated their gifts, and some second hand stuff is pretty damn good. So what is my issue? The smugness behind the comment and the next part that said others would be whining about wrong color ipad or wrong gift.  Do they want a cookie or an attaboy for their generosity?  I’ll give them that there are some kids who have not been raised to appreciate what they have, but to act as if you are a better parent, have better kids just reeks of hypocrisy.

I know that sometimes things are beyond one’s control, one cannot afford to buy the latest and greatest gadgets for the kids.  I respect that.  But planning ahead, layaway, searching the internet , second hand shops is doable.  And what of these parents who drink or smoke? Are they gonna give up that expense to provide for your kids something they specifically asked for? It’s a matter of priorities for me. When my kids were little, I listened throughout the year to see what they really liked, then bought accordingly.  As they grew, they made me a list and got a couple things off that were requested.  I do the same now for their little people.  I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I never have been. I’m just  fortunate to have a job that allows me to budget for the greatest gifts in my life.   Do my little ones get more than some?  YES.  Do they get less than others? YES.  Do they appreciate that they are blessed? YES.  Why is that?  Because we teach them that.  We go out of our way to help when and where we can throughout the year. Outgrown clothes in good shape go into shelter boxes as do toys.  We gift to the local food banks. In short, we teach, that “to whom much is given, much is required”…a phrase I grew up hearing from my Gran.

In short, my problem is people acting superior when in reality..they probably don’t know(or think about) the kids reality of the “what did santa bring you/what did you get for christmas” that goes on when they go back to school.  They may appreciate their gifts, but deep down the insecurity of not having what others have affects them.  So don’t delude yourself into thinking how great you are, because if you were, you would have made ONE item asked for appear, instead of something from the left-over column you had easy access to. This season is about giving..of self, of time, of love and placing others before yourself.  Not seeking out cookies, brownie points, attaboys, for a “job well done”, because from this quarter..I have none to spare

The old friendship is new again

I am sitting on the bank.  I like watching the play of the breeze upon the water below.  It’s the first time I’ve been back to the in-between in awhile.

“How long you going to stay mad at me Cher”, asks a familiar voice behind me.  I don’t even turn to look. “The thing abut trust.  It’s a difficult fence to rebuild.  It requires tiresome work”, I tell him.  Corwvyn sighs and sits down beside me. “I cannot change the things that happened”, he begins, “but I can make a promise to work harder at it never happening again”. I turn to look at him then.  He has aged since I last saw him. His silver hair longer and is eyes seem more tired. “So how are things”, I ask.  He throws his head back and laughs loudly.  “Know why I love you Cher? You can ask the most pointed questions without even asking what you really want to know”. I laugh as well and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t want to intentionally seem as if I am crossing boundaries.  If I ask circumferential then one can decide to tell me as much or as little as you want”.  He shakes his head amused. “To answer your direct question…my sister no longer controls the keep.  She and all who supported her have been banished.  My brother is ruler and his daughter is being groomed for her place when she is of proper age.”.  I raise an eyebrow but say nothing, so he continues.  “I am a who walks the worlds and  does as I am required to do for our people.” I nod.  Big changes it seems.  Lot of challenges for my friend. Lot of work too.  “Seems you will be busy”, I say.  “What brings you here?” He smiles and looks at me. “I want to present us with a clean slate.  Start fresh, with no old hurts or misunderstandings interfering”. Wow…if he had come to me before, I’d have handed him his ass(or made a concerted effort to do so).  His betrayal of trust(even by omission) is hard for me. I locked the door so that he could not contact me, but have been thinking of relationships that I have done that with and considering if some deserve another chance or I should stick to my stubborn mind set and leave it as it is. I sigh deeply.  It’s a hard decision for me.  I’m not a vindictive person by nature, although when pushed or provoked I can become so.  Corwvyn sits and watches me as I go back and forth in my head about the pros and cons of such an alliance with him again. “If it helps any Cher, my being here is not connected in any way with my family or any of my people.  This is personal with me.  I miss our friendship, the laughter and the talks we have.  I miss you.  I know it’s my fault that I did not step in to keep you out of harm’s way, or to agree with you about insiders helping my sister.  I am most sorry about that.  I felt my place was beside my brother, and did not expect him to lay blame at your feet although you did nothing but help us from the beginning. I was wrong.  I ask you forgiveness and another chance to renew our friendship”. Tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “Why am I crying”, I think to myself. Maybe its because I too, miss having a friend who stands beside me when I need to talk things out with someone.  I don’t usually do that, even in the mundane because everyone else also has things going on, so I choose not to unload.  Makes it hard.  Corwvyn on the other hand has always encouraged me to speak on thoughts, dreams..worries.  I’ve missed him. So what to decide? If I do allow  the friendship to begin anew..can I trust him? Can I trust those who will indeed make their presence known although he says they will not…FFS! How can I be so damned indecisive? I close my eyes and just relax.  “Ok Cor..I’ll make a deal with you.I’m willing to start this out but you cannot reveal it to anyone unless I agree to.” “But you will not have any such stipulations?” he asked. “Nope..those I tell already have my back and they help me stay balanced even when all hell is breaking loose”, I tell him. He nods.  …..~~SILENCE~ I’m beginning to wonder why he hesitates.  Is there another reason he is here after all? “Fine”, he says.  “I will allow you to dictate the rules concerning our friendship only because I really want us to be friends and because I have truly missed you”.  I look at him for a minute.  Reading his intent, seeking out any discernible deceit.  I find none, so agree as well.  Fr the first time he visibly relaxes. “I was really afraid you would send me packing and toss me over the cliff”, he laughed. “I considered it”, I conceded.  We sit in silence for a moment then he begins to talk to me like the old days. He tells me of what has happened with his people since I saw him last, of the changes they have made and how he feels about the direction they are headed now.  Seems as if I am not the only one that needs a place/person to vent to.  We talk for a long while catching up and then he has to leave.  “I have to go “, he says reluctantly.  “I have a meeting later with some of the outer villages about setting up their local leadership”.  I and and tel him I will see him again soon.  I stand and start to walk back to the entrance from my waking when he spies my companion.  “You travel with Brin these days”, he asks.  I look at him and tell him that she is always with me since it is safer than allowing myself to be harmed by those who don’t care how their goal is achieved”. He nods.  Brin and I begin to make our way home.  I look sideways at her and tell her “I know, I think I’m a little nuts as well.  We’ll see how this goes”. She gives me a quick hug and we go home.

Maybe I am more than a little crazy for allowing people to come and go in my life, but sometimes they serve a purpose.  I dont always get that lesson the first time around, so have to revisit from time to time. At least I’m playing the game safer this time around and that is always a good thing.

Living life as myself

“Given a choice between my life and yours, I will choose mine. Every time. Without hesitation. “

This is the time of greed, commercialism, right?  Well not to hear those  who spout off about the origins of said holiday season. One side will be the “Jesus was born..reason for the season” kind of thing..then the pagans will claim that it was “stolen from them” and the war is on.Add in the Santa and the spying on children by malicious elves, and its a whole mess.  What is the commonality then among all this? Mass quantities.  Have you seen some of the lists given out by people asking for gifts?  Seriously. Saw where one woman said her 5 kids had to pare their gift list down from the 1000.00 gift tag to 10 items no mare than 50.00 each..hello?  That is still 500.00 a piece!!!!!!! And she was upset that it had to happen, as were her kids who had grown up expecting such.  See..I don’t get that..Maybe its because money has never been that important to me other than making sure my bills got paid and my kids had all they needed and the occasional treat.  I can’t think that I’m the only one who feels like this am I?  I jokingly say that next life plan I am going to make sure I have more coinage in my pocket as well as no kids :)…In truth, I might have written this one explicitly like this for a reason…working hard for what I have and kids, their kids, other people’s kids who found their way to my home.  Maybe I demanded those that are in charge of such things to work this plan out just so..IDK. What I do know is that I refuse to spend time whining over what could have been…what I wish to see, or that your life is better than mine..charmed as it were.  That is a waste of energy, air space and dreams.” Better than the demons I know than those you’ve conjured up”.