Personal space

Yeah, I have control issues.  if ya’ll haven’t been paying attention when I’ve told you, surely you have caught on by now.  I like my personal space.  {This} is MY space……………………………………………………………………………………….{that} is YOUR space.  A little anti social?  Perhaps.  But I find I am not really alone in this need for personal space.
In the early 1960’s an american anthropologist by the name of Edward Hall did a research study on just what this space is comprised of and how they work.  He came up with 4 different spaces that all of us carry to some degree.
Intimate Space: This space extends outwards from our bodies up to 18 inches in every direction and only family, pets and closest friends may enter that space.  if it is violated, we get all weirded out.

Personal Space:This space extends from us outwards with a distance of 1.5 feet to 4 feet.  We allow friends and acquaintances in that zone, especially in intimate conversations, but rebuff strangers.

 

Social space: Extends from 4 feet to about 12 feet.  We tend to interact with strangers, new acquaintances .

 

Public space: anything beyond 12 feet and is open to all.

Those are just averages for people and his research still stands today according to leading psychologists.  Some of us are a little more extreme with our need to have boundaries.  Apparently they have decided that the amygdala, that region of the brain that deals with fear, is the culprit and it begins shaping our little bubble of space when we are about 3 or 4.

I think I am an extreme.  My intimate space..very few are allowed to enter, and if one does enter that zone without invitation, like the asshat bundle person at work who thinks he has to lean into my face to speak to me, then I get more than a little cranky..not scared, angry..How dare you invade MY space?  Lucky if you are able to walk away cause it can be so not pretty when someone does that.  I’ve not really thought about why I have issues with this, prolly something from that past I’ve left in the dust, but I don’t dwell on that these days.  And I have to think that majority of my ‘space” is public..because I prefer people to keep their distance.  Yep, it all comes back to that pesky issue about control and personal space.  Maybe I’ll outgrow it…nah, prolly not..think it’s stuck with me :/

Futile words

I have no words.  Well, that isn’t exactly true.  I can write an extraordinary amount of words on endless topics, but what I mean today is that the words I need to come to mind are not here and would mean nothing even if I said them.

You see, this week a couple of my friends have experienced tragedy with children in their lives.  One took his life because he could no longer face the pain in his young existence, the other lost drowned in a tragic accident.  Both friends are grieving and asking why from god, from the universe.  I can say all the words of condolence that one hears, but even to my ears they sound hollow and insincere.  As an empath, I feel their grief and pain deeply, as if there are shards of glass within my heart.  While I can block out most, I still feel their emotions, and it makes me extremely sad.  It also gets me to thinking.  How do those who tend to others as their profession, their “calling” help with tragic losses such as these?  How do they explain to others why children 9 and 6 had to leave this plane? I don’t care to hear the trite”it’s god’s plan”, or “it was their time”. I want real answers, words to offer that make real sense and can help alleviate the pain of those I care about?  Having had words tossed at me when I experienced loss I know how hollow those words sound and just what effect they really have.  I have no connection to those who walk a christian path and have little patience for their usual spiel of why tragedy occurs, but sometimes what they say connects with those seeking answers.  But what of those on other paths?  I don’t know a lot of pagan clergy, or how they work to be honest.  So how to they offer comfort to those they minister to?  Or do they? As I said..I don’t have any idea.  I guess what I want is an easier way to express my sorrow to my friends and offer comfort even if its just to cry with them.  As one who walks both sides of the street so to speak, I do know the spirit side of things to some extent, the confusion of those who come suddenly, the assimilation of finding their way there.  They will be fine, so I turn my attention to those left to grieve, and wonder why.  I just wish there was more I could do to help, but for now to those friends who have heavy hearts, know that I lend my energy to you as I can and love you with all my heart.

Taking charge

I’ve been an observer as of late.  Watching what plays out both in the mundane as well as online.  And a few things have me thinking. People are rethinking their path, their lives, and others have chimed in with their two cents,voicing their opinion, and one has to wonder why.
We are creatures of change.  We are not the same day to day, month to month, hell even five minutes ago.  So parts of our lives change and stay in a state of flux.  Knowing this, I often wonder why we are surprised at new direction.  I am an advocate for introspection..real seeking in our lives..shadow work that gives us a chance to tweak and revamp what works for us and to set aside what no longer does.  Sometimes the things I learned years ago do not apply to my life  today.  They are just unnecessary  substance that fills up the shelves of our cosmos.  How I practice today is not the same.  So what changed?  Myself  is the answer.  I let go some preconceived ideas, tossed aside some judgements, and finally embraced who I am as a person, deciding that my spiritual self needed to become the spark that was reflected by my outward self presented to the world.  Sounds simple huh?  Yeah…so very not.  I found as I was letting go of things that I had incorporated into my path, that in retrospect seems silly in its simplistic view, was actually damn hard to let go.  Not because it didn’t work, but because of the fear.  What if I go this way and it doesn’t work as I intended?  What if I find out halfway through that this is not what I wanted?  What if, oh just what if I was “wrong”?   In truth, if it teaches us a lesson then how can it be wrong? But all these ideas ran through my head(and sometimes still do).  Am I doing this right? Truthfully, if I were to ask those who follow a defined path their answer would be “NO”, since I don’t, many just give me a sideways glance as if to say “I don’t get anything about this shit”.  And I’m fine with that.  Since I began this shadow work of healing myself and moving forward to what fulfills me spiritually, I have learned that this journey is really all about me.  While I care what others think(its a human reaction..can’t completely rid myself of that…yet), I cannot allow that to take precedence over doing what is right for me.  Most of my path is about practice.  that doesn’t mean I have no connection to deity or guides, it just means that what I do is more proactive rather than begging for help.  Yeah..there are those damn control issues again :).

I am the one in charge of this journey.  I construct this path, making mistakes as I go, but that is how I grow.  But I know there will always be those on the outside that will question how and what I believe and do.  My question for them is this:  Who are you to know what makes my soul feel like its connected to the universe?  Are you the one who can free my mind to fly with the elements during the storms in order to land safely after the calm has settled around me? Do you have proof that your way is better for me?  If so, show me that source.  If not, then move the fuck on because I am the one in charge here.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to stand up after looking in the mirror and telling the world..”This is me, take me as I am or keep stepping”.  Some days are easier than others, but that is the beauty of this journey…one never knows what will come up in response.  My only hope for it is that I continue to grow as I move through the chaos and remodeling.  If it seems as if I am not, well then I guess its back to the shadow work to figure out why that is.

So for those who walk as I do, seeking, searching, revamping, my advice is to keep doing what you’re doing.  You and you alone are the only one who can decide what is right for yourself , whether that be a constructed path that has real structure or like mine ,is a little more fluid.  It has to be what feeds your spirit and not what others have decreed you must be.  After all, this is why you are not in a more conservative path for your spirituality, right? So keep walking tall, stand your ground on what feels right for you, and dismiss those naysayers who have no clue as to what you are about.  We are the ones taking charge, and it feels so very right.

tempête parfaite

Broken but not shattered

CRACK!!!!! The glass just seemed to appear in my hand and I threw it with as much force as I had within me.  “Feel better”? a voice behind me asked.  “No.  I fucking well don’t”.  I said. A chuckle mingled with the smell of cigar.  “Then may I suggest you avail yourself of all of these until you do feel better”, was the reply.  I turned and looked and behind me was the tallest mound of glasses I had ever seen.  O looked at him and shook my head.  “Think I need all that”? I asked.  He laughed in return and answered,”Cher I’m not sure its enough yet.  But go ahead and see if it will do”.  With a sweep of his hand, he gestured to the mountain of glass.  I turned and picked up a glass and began throwing, finding glass in my hand as soon as I threw one…Faster and faster it seemed as if there was a wind of glass blowing across the sand.  Finally when I was spent, I sat on the ground, legs crossed, hands on my chin, staring out at all the broken carnage.  “What does this do for you?”, he asked quietly.  “It releases all that chaos energy that is simmering just beneath the seams that if was not able to be used effectively with a working could harm those who could not stand or those that are innocent “.  I said softly.  “I used to do this all the time, even as a child..throw something to break the energy flow then clean it up so that I could restore center”.  “I don’t have the opportunity to do this much anymore.  Maybe that is my problem..no release”.  “Cher, your problem is that you keep it all inside.  When you are angry and working, whew! But when you are in pain, that is where you have your ‘come apart’ as you say”.  You hold it in to keep others from seeing what you perceive to be weakness, yet that reflection in the mirror tells you that there is no truth in that statement”.  He sighed…”O am looking at all the broken glassware, Cher.  Whatever shall we drink from?”, he asked in an amused voice.  I sat up straighter and surveyed the pile in front of us.  It’s broken shards catching reflection of sun here and there shining its prismatic rainbow over our heads.  I laughed.  “Well mon, you the one with the answers”, I jokingly replied.  He laughed.  “You have all the answers, Cher.  I just provide you a means to manifest them at times”.  “The glass was a nice touch”, I replied.  “Indeed.Might have to take that up myself”, he said with a chuckle.  I laughed as well because honestly I cannot see him throwing glass just to hear it break.  Besides, as he said..whatever shall we drink in?  As if I manifested it, another glass appeared in my hands.  Only this time, it was full of fragrant, spicy rum.  I breathed a calm sign and sipped , feeling the heat course down my throat to every fibre of my being.  As we sat in silence looking at the glass and drinking the rum the peace began as a rhythm spilling over us.  “Thank you”, I say quietly.  “De rien”, he said.  “So how do I go about cleaning THIS up”? I wondered.  He cocked his head and looked at me with a smile playing about his lips.  Oh.  right.  I sit my glass down and stand facing the tower of shards.  I stretch my right hand out, and with a small movement, the glass begins to sort itself, moving as in single file into a tight spiral that begins to compact tighter and tighter until it is into minuscule particles until it disappears. I smile in appreciation.  “Nice job, cher”, he says.  I nod then return to my previous seat to finish my drink.   “I will leave you in solitude.  Stay as long as you like” and with that he was gone, leaving the smell of his cigar wafting around my shoulders and a full bottle of rum beside me.  I grin at his generosity.  Yeah, it’s been a hella week, but I am still relatively in one piece and find some center coming back to me.  I pour another round and sit back and watch the sunset with the first twinkling of stars making their debut.  This was a most needed respite.  Bring on the weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relevance? I think not

<<<This makes me crazy.  It is a representation of “The Burning times”.  Why those walking a pagan path feel the need to pull out the “persecution” card ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME. I will never understand.

First of all, MY mortality depends upon me and my appointed time with destiny.  NOT someone else’s view of morality.  Back in the day of those persecuted for witchcraft, (NONE of whom  were actually proven to be witches, but common folk who had the misfortune to be accused and murdered at the hands of the church led state), the accusations were built along superstitions, and the need for attention by some, and greed by others.  In fact, superstition and lack of education causes a great many ills for the community as a whole.  It is suggested by the photo and those that posted it, they are claiming persecution by the christian sect. While I admit that there are some who speak out of their asses and cause problems, the community as a whole cannot be tarred and feathered with the same brush.  But to constantly push this notion of “I don’t believe like you so I’m being persecuted whenever you open your mouth” is more than a little ridiculous.  Of course, as I have observed, it tends to hang around more in those with the love and light brigade ..those who like the idea of being “wiccan” or pagan without a clue as to any history of any definite path or what all it entails.  We had a slight experiment in a group the other day, and someone posted about “the burning times”, and it was on.  The usual drivel came out about persecution of those today who walk differently.  Ok..we call bullshit.  A friend posted a total fabrication as to how this was perpetuated in the past, and omg..it was accepted by those little fluffheads hook line and sinker!  We sit back and think..how good can this get?  So again yet another yarn was posted..”That’s just how I heard it too”.  WTF?!? You did? But she just made that shit up!  Those who have knowledge were sitting shaking their heads and laughing because those little crickets were chiming in with total bullshit.  It’s all about education people! Not the inflaming of those who have no sense.  I see that the same group who’s photo I lifted has posted yet another inflammatory pix.  It really makes me wonder just what is their agenda?  They claim to be pagan news, so why not post something that really pertains to such such as those on the wild Hunt does(I’d mention others but they have strayed too far for me to consider them informative)? Why the need to fan flames of those who have not done research and yet want to hang onto myths? It really boggles the mind how such insanity can continue to thrive, but I guess as long as there are people willing to make a buck by publishing fiction and UPG passed off as fact, there will always be these little flufftarded people running around spouting drivel.
Now before people get their knickers all twisted, let me say that yes…I know that there are places where to be openly pagan is not the best move to make.  But then again, wearing hubcab sized pentagrams around your neck and spouting the rede every chance you get is likely to get you some odd looks even within the pagan community.  Why can it not be about just people?  Why do people have to jump on the persecution train in order to feel justified in walking their path?  Learn a little history folks and then educate yourself some more  about the path you walk.  We aren’t all the same, so some things won’t apply, but respect for each other goes a long way toward solving some of the problems.

Oh..and if you are by chance “sharing” such crap as the picture above, and trying to pass yourself off as “news” for those on a particular path…I hold you to a higher level.  You need to educate yourself before trying to show others how they can walk their path.  You need to be ashamed at keeping walls built and ignorance going on far much longer than it should be.  Check that mirror and do some shadow work as to why you would keep perpetuating myths and inaccuracies in your “sharing” for others. All it does is show your stupidity and lack of respect for your fellow human beings.  Get over it. Get over yourself while you’re at it.  You have no relevance.

Southern Roots

There’s been a little discussion of late as to what makes one southern.  I know, we’ve been down this road before, but some people don’t seem to grasp that concept.  Here is my opinion and those passed down to me by those who would know.  It’s all about your roots. Now as a military brat being born on an Army base in Oklahoma, a sister in California and my brother being the only one actually born in the south(Tennessee), one might say that I myself am not southern.  BUT, both my parents are born and raised in the south with all its values, history and familial roots, and they in turn passed that on to us.  Also whenever my dad was gone for extended periods of times, like to Korea, Viet Nam, Germany, my mother moved us back to Mississippi to live near her parents, and the rest of our extended family consisting of many aunts, uncles, and cousins. Here we rode bikes on dirt roads, played war in the red clay gullies, tossing dirt clods as grenades, swung on the front porch swing sipping ice cold tea or lemonade, tending the garden and savoring that homemade bounty of hard work.  I remember lying under my Gran’s old willow tree in the front yard with my cousin and comparing our lives.  His with friends he had known since grade school, and mine of living all over the world, each wishing we could have a taste of the other’s world if but for a time.  We sat on the back of my pa-pa’s flatbed Studebaker truck and ate watermelon we had helped gather from the truck patch(for ya’ll city folk, that is a huge field full of crops mostly for sale with some left over for the family), talking about going to “First Monday” for the sale and hopefully catch up on family gossip.  We often looked forward to that as we got to see family that we normally wasn’t in our immediate circle and explore the other vendors wares.  This time seemed idyllic for me, as it taught me connection of family, history and the roots that have carried me throughout my  life no matter where I have roamed.  These are the people who helped shape me  and give me insight as to who I am and would become.  I don’t think one can gain that anywhere else.  Being southern is more than just being born in the south.  One has to embrace and be immersed in the culture and history.  The war between the states is still a touchy subject for many(just FYI…it was really about economics..slaves just happened to be ONE of the commodities)…States above the Mason Dixon are often spoken about with a “bless their hearts”, and those such as Maryland and Virginia although under the line are referred to as “yankees” because they fought against “us”.   Texas considers itself southern and some did fight with rebels, but it was too far west to be really considered, and Florida wasn’t even in the picture so we dismiss it as well.   There have been dark moments for the south , but I believe we’ve learned and are learning from them and are working to become better people.   Manners are important down this way.  We’re not big on braggarts, even if they believe in what they know.  Why show someone else up?  It’s just unseemly.  One does NOT have to know something about EVERYTHING.  And truthfully, we kind of look at you a little hard when you post/speak on everyfuckingthing.  It’s considered polite in most circles to introduce yourself to someone before jumping right in their face.  I have control issues, so to me this is extremely rude..can also be hazardous to your health as well.  Yeah, these southern days of hot humid days, sweltering nights, remind me of simpler times, and they bring back good memories.  some that make me shake my head, others make me smile, but they have taught me well of who I am and what I will not accept in my world.   It’s all in the roots.

Mired in the bog of ignorance

Ever notice how some people seem to be so full of themselves that it seems as if they are stuck in a bog of ignorance.  It matters not that others correct them, offer better insight into the conversation, but because they are so stuck on themselves, they will not listen.   So with their air of supposed superiority, they waltz around spouting all sorts of drivel.  It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about, they have an opinion and its right dammit.  Just ask them. Now many of us as we start out on our path’s journeys, are more than a little green.  We like the shinies, all the trappings, and hoopla, but eventually we either get shown truth by our guides, find a nugget in a tome somewhere or someone smacks us upside the head and tells us to wake up and taste the rum!  So we move past where we first placed our foot on the path and move forward, tweaking, and learning until our path represents who we are. That is called a learning process, one forged through hard work, much soul searching and conversations with those who would guide us.  And still as we look back, we see those who refuse to move past where they began.  Content on standing  knee deep, mired in a bog of shit that serves noone, least of all them.  One has to wonder why they stand there.  Is it because they are afraid to admit to themselves that what they think they know is totes carp and they might have been wrong on more than one front? Is it because they are so caught up in that love and light/healing shit tossed by every witch come lately that they refuse to admit to the need for balance in the universe?  Is it because they refuse to admit that taking a good look in the mirror and accepting who they are is more than a little required for becoming who they are destined to be?

To be honest those type of people that are mired down more than a little frustrate me.  Maybe its the shit they toss out about energy and healing  .  Pulling energy from the air is all well and good, but what do you do with the excess and how are you manipulating it?  Just how do they plan on healing the world?  Whatever you put out has to be in balance, so if you are removing negative, where are you putting it? It always boggles my mind at the narrow thinking of some of these people.  I could rant til I was blue in the face, but it makes no difference.  They are content to hang where they are.  Standing in that mucked river bed, mired in their own arrogance and ignorance.  Unfortunately they cannot see behind them as the waves are starting to form anew and make their way down the bed itself. Hope they can swim stuck on the bottom…Ya’ll reckon they can suck air through a reed on the bank?

Restoration of spirit

It’s been long week…and it seems to have merged with this one like one long continuous mess of  chaos and bullshit.  So I go where I always turn when I’m over the stress limit.  
 I move to the porch of the cabin and inhale the air around me.  There is a peace that already seeps into my being.  Sanctuary. I enter and as I do, the massive dog lifts his head and gives a soft woof in greeting before laying his head down.  I swear dog you seem to always be in that same spot I laughingly tell him.  “It is his resting place when not hunting”, Maman tells me with a smile on her face.  The smell of herbs swirl around me filling my nose with their aromatic perfume.  I inhale deeply.  “It’s been too long Cher,”Maman tells me.  I agree and sit down in the rocker that is my accustomed seat when I am here.  She moves to place the kettle on the fire, and adds more herbs to the cauldron there.  “I love being here, and miss it when I’m gone”, I tell her.  she smiles and tells me that I need to come more often.  She then looks me over carefully.  “You are too pale and way too much stress level.  Not enough grounding and too much worry”, she tells me.  “laziness on my part about the grounding”, I tell her, and “I can’t always help the worrying”.  “What does it change?”, she asks.  Nothing I admit.  “So, tell me, what worries you and dont leave anything out”.  So I begin at the beginning with the move, manic man’s back and forth of confusion and anger…job stresses, life in general.  “You’ve left something out”, she tells me.  I look up confused for a moment then see the look in her eye.  I sigh heavily and lean my head back in the chair closing my eyes.  She hands me a cup of coffee, and I take a sip biding my time..stalling…it fills my mouth with the wonder of chicory, chocolate and rum. “Maman”, I begin.  “What I do is not easy, and sometimes I just want to chuck it into the swamp somewhere and pretend it never existed”.  “But you don’t”, she says.  “Non”, I reply quietly.   “Why is that?” she asks although I know she knows the answer.  “It feels like it would deny who I am and what exists, has always existed in me”, I tell her.  She nods.  “So tell me about this week”, she shifts gears.  I blink and think…this week has just started but it feels like a melding of last which was a bitch.  I smile .  “well”, I begin, “I’ve been followed to hell by ravens, cavorting over the carrion of road kill , watching me as I travel from start to finish”. “A red tailed hawk soars each morning in front of my car as if to lead the way”.  “I  sewed my finger..blood sacrifice of sorts ” I chuckle, “and now Im here”.  She laughs.  “Cher, your details are a little shaky, but  it’s sans importance”.  “So why the ravens”, she asks slyly.  I roll my eyes.  “I know why the ravens as do you, and I know why the hawk that flies in front of me as if he guides my steps”.  I smile.  “Old woman, you are wicked”, I tell her with a laugh.  Maman cackles.  “You are too serious sometimes ,Cher.  I wanted you to smile”.  I smile and shake my head and realize that my cup is empty.  I hold it out for a refill, and Maman obliges.   I sit and sip the coffee and she pulls her special oil out and moves behind me to massage my temple.  “Take your times with things as they unfold, cher.  You don’t have to know the answers all at once nor act on them”.  I sigh deeply and allow Maman work out the kinks that have knotted my mind and spirit.  Dreams that have bothered me because they dont seem to fit, mundane life…they all seem to slide away with her capable hands.  I close my eyes and feel myself drifting into sleep.  Maman removes the cup from my hands and as I slide deeper, I hear the song that has always filled my soul.  Brin sings to me and this time its done in words that I know, not the dragon speak that teases my memory, but french , which amuses me.  She doesnt usually do this, but this time its as if I am to remember the words, to keep them within my heart to pull out when I am stressed by what the mundane hits me with.  Odd that its often this plane that usually causes me more issues..the spiritual, not so much.  I smile and the words comfort me as no others could.  I will remember them, but for now, I will sleep…deeply and soundly to restore my spirit.  Sanctuary…the perfect place to restore what is often jarred and shaken loose.  

tempête parfaite

Just some catching up

It’s been a weird, loooong week for me…work issues, car trouble, just long week.  It’s caused me to be somewhat little more snarky(yeah like ya’ll thought that was even possible) and less willing to give others benefit of the doubt on their comments.

For instance, in a group that I belong to there are just a couple that this past couple days has more than gotten under my skin.  Ok, I have freely admitted that I am less patient than the norm, but seriously to have one go through and like every post that myself and others have made is more than a little creepy and a whole lot of stalker fodder.  I don’t know them personally, have no idea who they are, nor do I care to add them to any list I currently have in play.  It’s like they are trying too hard to fit in , in a wyrd sort of way and that won’t happen over night nor will it happen any time soon.  I and others have a limited set and often don’t play well with others.  Hell we sometimes even step on each other inadvertently,but we always work to fix that since we care for and respect one another to let that stand.  So I think they need to sit back, watch how things progress and get to know all the parties involved before stepping in it any more than they have already.  The other?  Oh, well she is one of those love and light, heal the world kind of people.  You know..the ones who make me gag at their simplistic view of the world.  I have a dear friend who is often a Pollyanna, but she knows full well the way things are in the real world. she just chooses to not let it affect her or how she does her job.  The one from the group expects us all to toe the line of respect(which is a good thing), and harm none(which is totes bullshit).  She took offense at how some questions were directed at someone else…none of her business really and the questions were not abusive, but direct and brutally honest in their demand for serious answers.  Now, as someone who speaks truth quite often without tying it up in pretty wrappings and bows and giving others a spoon full of sugar to wash it down, I can appreciate that not all find it so appealing to have it put in that manner.  But the truth needed to be spoken, and the real issues at hand be brought into the forefront so that all knew what was involved and could respond accordingly.  So why all the whining about how “bad” it was that the OP was treated?  Because as this self proclaimed “Queen of Bees” stated, people need to love one another and respect other’s opinions.  Nice.  But the OP didn’t voice an opinion.  she was conducting her own informal survey about what pagans think to get a general idea on what to use in her online spiritual(for lack of a better word) shop.  I really had to laugh at the queen of bees label because in nature..she is responsible for the hive and yet if she fails to help it thrive, the workers in the colony dispense with her services and they all select another.  So she better be damn good at what she does.  If, as I believe, she was making a play on words using  the “queen of B”as bitches then I’d have to say that again she was mistaken because in that group alone ,I know several who can give her a damn good run for her money and make her look like she belongs in kindergarten.   We aren’t much for labels in there anyway.  We all recognize who and what we are.  Mutual respect is given as it is earned.  Do I respect that as a human being, you have a right to live and believe as you will?  Absolutely.  Do I HAVE  to give you respect because you chose to come into a group and spout what you believe even if there was nothing valid to back it up?  Nope.  Not a snowball’s chance in hell that will happen.  We belive in source, information that gives us all better understanding of the topic at hand.  But many of us also walk a path that is full of UPG(unverifiable personal gnosis).  We state that up front when we speak of our personal experiences, so as not to muddy the waters of the topic at hand.  So this self proclaimed “healer, etc” speaks up and decides to play David to the supposed Goliaths in the room as if her tiny stones will steer the conversation toward the love and light shore.  Yeah, not gonna happen there because most of us live in the real world of balance and all that saccharine just gives us cavities.

So then I come to the last example of the lack of patience directed at people.  Those who make excuses for EVERY.DAMN.THING.  If there is an event that they might not want to go, or after saying they will, they think up several reasons why they cannot go…excuse.  Or if someone needs help, and they offered it, then decided that to go play elsewhere was a better idea….excuse.  The problem is that they cannot see that they do this quite often. . for the way people act, the reason something did not go according to plan, just little shit but it creates a pattern.  One, that if they were to look in the mirror, would be as obvious as it is to those around them.  So I shake my head, and walk away because to respond would definitely cause problems that I don’t care to shoulder, but will definitely limit my interaction with some of these people in the future.

So bright spot to this week?  There have been small ones.  My sister offering her help with car issues even though she has been seriously ill as of late.  My daughter coming to the rescue even though she has job to go to as well.  The princess who gives her love and laughter even when I have reached a stress limit that was way too much at times.  Good thing I have meds to help somewhat and friends who let me be as snarky as I liked and helped me laugh when I needed it.  Trip to the swamp to just revel in the TLC given there..but then, that’s another post I guess :).  So, with drink in hand, I salute an end to this week, and look with promise to next because I am definitely through with the chaos ..on to rebuilding.
à votre santé

Reflex and habit mar the day

Triggers.  We all have them, and damn if they don’t rear their ugly little heads in the most inopportune time.  Sometimes they show up due to conversations, something someone says in passing or even in situations that are similar to a past one.  We all have our own baggage.

So how do we know how to deal with the triggers that sometimes trip us up? Some people pretend they don’t exist..tend to bury them and their heads in the sand so to speak, it can cause issues both in the present as well as in the future.   Others act out as if it gives them an excuse to behave like an asshat. Some, like myself, tend to remove themselves from the situation, the conversation and go have my come apart privately.  It’s a form of protection because I refuse to discuss it(usually) to acknowledge that its still a painful scar that hasn’t totally healed.  It can be maddening to my friends who may feel as if they contributed, but in truth..this is all me.

My apologies to those who celebrate, enjoy and appreciate the women in their lives.  I just can’t get behind it. I still have some work to do on letting go of abusive issues from the past, so find myself  being a little more snarky than usual in all the sweetness of the day.  Past issues hold me, I’m currently still in an unsettled frame of mind, so the trigger had easy access.  I said something that others looked a little askance at me, wondered why I didnt just walk off…Truthfully, if it hadnt been personal trigger, I might have said the same to others.   So I chose to take that advice.  I’ll be fine tomorrow.  I place limits on myself…I refuse to allow myself to wallow..that pisses me off more than anything.  Today I will open the wound, allow the putrid decay that lies under the scab to ooze and remove it with a lot of tears, pain and finally allow it begin to heal yet once more.  It gets a little better each time…but its still not a fun or pretty process.  And that’s why I do it alone.  I’ve considered therapy , but with these control issues, I have a problem allowing others to know those private demons.  It’s a work in progress, so bear with me today.  It’s time I isolate myself to start that healing process over again.  Maybe I won’t have to do this too many more times.