Category: Uncategorized

I told y’all that I’ve been doing a lot of searching as of late. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to cull all that does not benefit me. That includes people as well as elements of the path I walk.

 

It’s like going through closets. Taking first one thing off the hangars, inspecting it, trying them on. But it’s like trying on that jacket you loved when you saw it in the store. The color does nothing for you, the cut is wrong, and it feels uncomfortable. Time to toss that onto the trash heap. No use holding onto something that just doesn’t benefit us any longer. People in our lives are the same. We need to cull those who don’t appreciate who we are, with real feelings and opinions instead of the public persona we show the world. If they truly appreciate who we are, they won’t be afraid to reach out when we aren’t at our best. If in the middle of a crisis, they don’t /won’t at least ask if they can help or let you know they care even if they don’t know how to help, it’s time to cut them loose. Those type of people are nothing more than psi vamps sucking all your energy. You will need that healing core to grow and love yourself.

 

So now that we’ve taken out the trash from our personal stash, it’s time to check out the path. There is no rule that says how we started out means we have to stay there. For many of us, the things we first learned are cringe worthy. We wonder how we could be so naive. So we tweaked, learned, and fashioned a workable path that feeds us spiritually. It doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s, but it does need to work. If it isn’t, now is the time to put it under the microscope and dissect what is blocking the growth. Sometimes it’s a minor thing, sometimes we may need to revamp it with a major overhaul.

If it holds you back, you’re stifled and not growing, clear out the dross. Life is too short for bullshit.

I’ve been in a real funk lately. I’ve been through this before. If asked,, (I wasn’t) my stock answer is that I’m fine. Fine is that all encompassing word that says I refuse to give you the ammunition to pile on.

 

What bothers me quite a bit, are those sanctimonious omniscient folk who seem to have all the answers and cannot stop themselves from telling you to suck it up because they are living the life of Riley. How fucking nice for them. If you have all the damn answers why didn’t you throw a lifeline? The answer is you get to sit there, pat yourself on the back thanking whatever God you serve that you are not like the tortured soul in front of you that you’ve never felt the pain so severe the thought or desire to check out, stop the clock of you will  hasn’t crossed your mind. Never knowing what type of strength it really takes to grab onto the bank as you are flung through the rapids.

Am I better? Let’s say that I’m a work in progress. I now have access to let it out without offending those around me with my emotional crisis. So I guess this is fair warning. Can’t handle the pictures I paint of where I am  don’t read the blog.

The journey wasn’t long if one didn’t count the first leg of the swamp. As I traveled I let my mind wander on the problems at hand. They seem insurmountable in the mundane. Others perspective might not think so but I guess it’s always been so. All too soon I reach my destination, realizing with a start that I didn’t notice any of the scenery at all. Maybe next time I think to myself. I make my way inside to the parlor where it seems I have been expected since there is a teapot with cups sat out on a table which also contains food and rum. I chuckle to myself and make my way to a chair near the fire to warm myself. I seem to stay cold inside these days even though outside temps day I should be melting.

”what’s the deal with all the clock watching? ” comes a voice from behind me. I shrug. ” I guess I hear the ticking of the scarab ” I laugh. My host shakes his head. ” You hear your own pain beating against your sense of duty ”. Wow. I have never heard it put that way before. ” So tell me oh wise one, how in the hell do I shut it off? ” I was being a little more than facetious, but then he knows me well and probably expected it. He looked at me side eyed, handed me a drink and asked softly ” why haven’t you stopped the clock yourself? ” I take a drink of my rum laced tea and laugh. ” Ego, my friend. All these mundane control issues trick me into thinking someone somewhere might give a damn. The sad truth is that after the immediate need of carcass disposal is disposed with life moves on and the dead are shifted to another place of consciousness to be pulled out of the closet when it suits them. ”  We sit in silence for a bit listening to the crackling of the fire, when he begins to tell me a story. A story of what one was, what is and is yet to be. When he was through I was in tears. I need reminded once in awhile and my friend had done so beautifully. I rose to leave and before I did so he handed me a feather. Black and glossy it reflected the flame from the fire. ” It’s not exactly a phoenix feather, but as you see the fire still burns within you. Use it to push yourself ”. I thank my friend and tuck my gift into my cloak for the journey home. Brin appears to escort me. Today I still give the clock side eye thinking how easy it would be to reach out and SMACK! My gift prevents me. It was given as a reminder and so I thank my friend and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

~CRASH!!!!!!~ I bolt upright in bed. Seeing the cause of the noise, I yell. “CHARLIE! For the love of Elphalba what the fuck are you doing? You are going to wake the house not to mention unsettle the dead”.Charlie looks up from the mess on the floor.  “I was just trying to see how it works” he said sheepishly.  “IT” is  the DS that belongs to someone else who at present is sound asleep, but in trying to take it off the charger,he had  dumped all her movies to the floor. I get up and come to where he still sits looking perplexed.  “Now listen you fucking asscricket.  I agreed to help you gain some maturity, but not at the expense of disturbing others. Get your ass up off the damn floor and carefully place all the movies back on the shelf…in alphabetical order(no that isnt how they were originally but this is punishment and what he will do). The look on his face was mutinous but he did as ordered asked. “Boy, I say, Boy…we are going to have to lay down some ground rules” I told him as he finished. “While I know that light/dark, morning/night means nothing to you..as you have so obviously stated, I and others are human. We sleep in the dark, work, go to school etc in the daytime. Humans need rest, especially children, one of which you almost woke up with your antics.  And just for an FYI..disturb her and your manners will not be all you need worry about because you will cease to exist.  Leave her shit alone.  You did not ask for permission and in this house..its a proper thing.  You might want to consider that in your dealings with others as well.” While I was speaking, Charlie sat still, his already pale face becoming even more colorless. “I’m sorry” he mumbled.  I nod.  “Seeing as how I am awake, get your shit together because I am taking you to someone who will be able to channel all that energy of yours”. Charlie’s face brightened.” What realm are we going to?” he asked excitedly. I sigh. “Charlie..do as you were told or I am going to shove your ass in a bag and drag you through the swamp”. He looked a little nervous but gathered his bag and stood by the door waiting for me. Brin came in to assist me gathering a few items to go with us.  At her entrance, Charlie blanched.  “Sh-sh-she doesn’t bite does she?” Brin and I both turned to look at him. Brin’s eyes smoldered as if she was thinking seriously of making him a briquet. I put my hands on either side of my head where the beginnings of a massive headache was beginning to form. “Charlie”, I said slowly through clenched teeth. “SHE has a name.  It is Brin.  She is my confidant, guide, protector and friend.I would remind you that manners are important to me and to others.  Protocol demands you remember that.  As to the question of whether or not she bites…if she didn’t think you would probably taste like a piece of shit, then yeah she would eat you.  Now get your ass in line and let’s go.  I swung open the door , walked out with Brin leaving my much brain challenged ward to bring up the rear.It wasn’t long before we came to the swamp. The head of steam I had built up had us moving at a fast clip.  Brin I knew could run circles around me, Charlie on the other hand was like a dog on a leash being dragged …yanked whenever he tried to slow. Charlie looked around nervously. I noticed his fear and spoke softly to him. “Charlie, get in the front of the boat, Brin and I will sit behind you.  For once, he did as he was told without question and as we traveled, I began to tell him the history of the place around him. “Take that right fork and we travel to Grand’Mere spider”, I say.  Go straight and we come to the bridge between this realm and another where friends live I have not seen for some time.  I smile as I think of Dag and his family. We go this way to Maman’s. Her cabin sits on the water, where the scent of the spanish moss mingles with the sweet jasmine blowing from another place.  The herbs fill your soul with such sweet peace one could not ask for a more special place”.Charlie glanced around at me over his shoulder.  “You love it there don’t you?  I can hear it in your voice”. I smile.  “Oui.  I love it more than anywhere I know.”. I continued to speak of legends of  the past , of people who helped further a path I walk, of reasons why I still stand even when it would have been safer and saner to walk away.  Of my friendship with his benefactor who thinks Charlie has some worth to whomever has asked for him to be trained schooled. Soon we came to the cabin that makes me smile as soon as it is in view. We step into the cabin where once again I am greeted with love and the smell of herbs.  “I hoped you would stop by Cher”, says Maman. “I know you have been busy”. I nod and smile.  “Forgive my tardiness in not coming sooner”, I tell her.  “This is Charlie”, I say motioning him to come forward.  He does and stares. I look at him and tell him softly, “this is a test Charlie..think before you speak”. He swallows nervously and says, “Bonjour madame, je suis heureux de faire votre connaissance.”. Maman smiles. “Bienvenue jeune homme. J’espère que vous y trouverez tout ce qu’il faut ici” “I came to see George, Maman.  Is he around?” She points through the window where I see him relaxing on a limb.  I smile. “I hate to interrupt his revery, but I have something to leave him with”.  She laughs.  “Come Charlie”, she tells him.  “Let me see if we can find you something to do so I can feed marécage sorcière”. I side eye her because labels, endearments have come at me too frequently as of late and its not a thing I am used to hearing. I go to see George who opens one eye and stares at me sardonically. “Laissez-moi deviner, vous avez besoin d’une baby-sitter”. “How do you know these things George?” I ask. He sighs.  “It is my job to know”, he says crankily. “Is the job too much for you?” he asks.  “Non..but he needs some direction in manners and protocol since he will be dealing with many on other realms, and I have a lot on my plate in the mundane. I kind of need him to have some supervision while I do..the other time I can work with him.  I know its a lot to ask of you, but I’m not sure what else to do other than locking him up for his and others protection”. George laughed..for what for him works for a laugh but sounds more like a short bark. He gets up and moves past me.  “Well don’t just stand there..let’s go have a look at the young pup you brought for obedience training.  You did bring a leash didn’t you?” I laugh and follow him.  “I didnt think you needed one”. We come into the cabin to find Maman has Charlie grinding herbs and she is giving him a lesson as to proper technique and what the herb is used for. George and I exchange grins.  “Charlie”, I say..”You will be staying here with George and Maman.  They will begin your instruction.  I expect you to listen for they both know their shit and if you don’t..well, let’s just say…they are damn good at discipline”.  Charlie’s eyes grow wide at the sight of George, but to his credit, he refrains from saying what he is thinking although we all can hear it. He merely nods and accepts the decision.  Maman shoos him out of her kitchen and tells him to go get acquainted with George.  I sit down in the chair and she hands me a mug of her special coffee. I inhale the deep rich aroma and take a sip and lean back in the rocker by the fire.  Maman comes behind me to massage my temples with her special oils. I relax and we begin to talk about what is going on with me and mine. Friends, life in general..new roles and then she tells me a bit about Charlie and how he came to be with John. He was from an affluent family, but had no guidance..just left on his own(explains his lack of social skills), and was assaulted by a trusted friend of the family.  In his crossing, he asked to be able to “mean something”  as his present life lacked that value. I close my eyes and see what was left out of the dossier and feel the range of emotions, anger, remorse, empathy and finally resolve.  I will honor his request that he feel like he matters and has value.  It was promised to him.  It won’t be easy, but then quality never is. I rise and call a farewell to Charlie and George who has an arm around the young man’s shoulder explaining how things would be working.  I smile.  For all his curmudgeonly ways, he does have a softer side for those who need it. I hug Maman and promise to return soon and then Brin and I leave for our return trip home where we talk out a set lesson plan for our new charge.  I return home tired and soon fall into a sound sleep with the last thought of the waking is Brin pulling covers up over my shoulders and settling down beside me. I’ve heard from the others and Charlie is settling in well…its early yet..there are bound to be bumps in the road, but things seem promising. I’d better stock up on more rum just in case.

One would think I could at least get a little light from the moon I mutter to myself as I walk down the dark road.  Not even a damn street light. “That’s never bothered you before” comes a voice from the shadows. I roll my eyes and retort that I’m tired and may be inclined to stumble tonight”.  I hear the laughter and then comes a gentle reply”You never stumble, but I will humor you”. Suddenly there are torches lining the road. “Well damn”, I think to myself.  “If bitching was all I needed to do, I’d have done it long ago”. Again comes a laugh and the admonishment to not think so loudly.  I grin to myself and continue on to my destination. The bar comes into view, and light and music and laughter flows out its doors. I stop to survey the scene before I enter and the voice again comes from behind me. “Something wrong Cher?” I shake my head, but am a little nervous.  There will be big time players at this little soiree and some of them make me more than a little apprehensive in their sideways looks . “Do not worry about the others.  Just deal the cards and make sure they go where they are supposed to”. I chuckle.  “Is this rigged?” He laughs. “Isn’t it always? We go inside and the party seems to already be in full swing.  We make our way past the bar toward the private room off to the side. If one didn’t know where to look for it, you would miss the door .  Nondescript, no visible handle , looking like a piece of furniture standing beside the bar. We enter and the players are already there. I recognize each and every one, catching the eye of one as she gives me a wink of encouragement. Our host greets everyone and sees to their refreshments, handing out cigars and rum and coffee to those who wanted to keep a clear head. The cards are brought out, sealed, shown to all and then I am introduced as the dealer.  If there were objections, they were wise enough to not voice them to the host of this fete. We all assume our seats and I break the seal, holding my breath as I do so. I hear a voice in my ear whisper”just deal the cards ma petite, things will be fine”. I let out my breath and start to deal. One by one the cards fall, and the players start to look and calculate their bets. And so it goes, first one then the other folding, winning, losing, until at the end there are but two players left. “I think we should take a break” says our host. It is agreed and I stand for the first time that evening.  My legs tremble slightly as I get my bearings. I go to the bar to get a snack and something to drink. The rum I get comes in a coffee cup and I look confused. “This one is for the player on the left” .  “But she says coffee only,” I began…”She will need the fortification later” he says. I know by now to not argue because one way or another, what happens will be as he dictates. I shrug and place the cup before her and take my own to my seat.  At her first sip, she raises her eyebrows at me and I shrug.  She nods and then we resume the game.  A new deck is brought forth.  I almost salivate at the cards.  The most delicious designs I have never seen before and it makes me want them so much. The host grins and shakes his head as he places the cards in the center of the table. “My friends”, he says to the players. “Feel free to inspect the deck”. The player on my right picks up the deck and inspects it so closely I thought for a minute he might break out a magnifying glass.  He sits it back down. “What about you Girl?”, asks the host to the player on my left.  She shrugs and gives it a cursory glance, checking that the seal was intact then sits it back on the table, folding her hands in front of her. “Very well”, he says. Then he breaks the seal and hands them to me. “This hand is winner take all, one hand only and its final in its outcome.,  Agreed?” Both players agree and I begin a slow shuffle, feeling the cards slide together and I swear I could hear them sing and drum as I did so. I look up hoping nobody else was paying attention.  But the host of the party smiles and winks.  I begin to deal the cards. The game moves quickly at first until the last round of cards. The tension builds and the bets grow.  Everyone in the room seems to hold their breath.  I have no ideas what the game is for, but it’s a big deal I know, but I can’t think about that now.  I deal the last card face down to each player. The player on the right lifts an edge and I see just a glimmer of a tic at the corner of his mouth.  “Ah, not good” I think to myself. We all sit waiting for him to bid. He does and I look down at the cards in my hand so as not to betray my surprise that he would try and bluff his way through his suck ass hand. The player to my left has been watching the whole scene play out and finally touches her last card, just lifting the corner to glance at it then laying it down. She says nothing then sees the bet then goes all in. If the room was quiet before, it was cemetery still now. Everyone stood still, scarcely breathing to see how this played out. The player on the right seemed to have lost more color in his face(if that was possible) and took an inordinate amount of time in turning the cards over. “Is there a problem Monsieur”? asked the host.  He shook his head.  “Then we will see your cards please”. With a sigh, he turns them over.  Not a great hand, but certainly not one that garnered his full tilt play. The player on the left says nothing, but I can see the small smile in her eyes as she knows that she has indeed won. “Madame” says the host.  She turns her cards over slowly one by one until she reveals the last card that proves that she is the winner .  “No”! yells the first player as he begins rising from his seat. The host stands before him looking every inch of the owner of the domain that he is. “This is not where you want to start something you will not finish”, he tells the first player quietly. At that one word of warning, the player nods, and seems to shrink in size and he walks dejectedly from the room.  The other players congratulate the second player and they took take their leave. “Well now”, he says.  “I think we deserve a drink”. The rum begins to flow, and I lose count of how many glasses I downed. “Congratulations Girl,” he tells the second player. She raises her glass in acceptance and murmurs her thanks. “And you ma petite, thank you for your adept dealing”. I laugh because they were just cards after all.  “Were they?” he asked. “Did you not hear the singing and drumming of them”? I choke on the rum and think “oh dear gods, I wasn’t hearing things”. He laughs and soon the winner of the game tells us she has to leave.  She thanks me for the dealing and the game and thanks our host then makes her way out of the bar. “Why did you have me switch her drinks?” I ask him. “She needed it, and will again” he says, drawing on his cigar.”Am I to know what the prize was of this little game?” “Not at present”, he says. “But you will find out soon. FUCK! There will be a second part to this evening.  Why things can’t be simple, I have no idea,lol. I soon take my leave and wake up the next morning with a slight headache from the rum. Not too bad considering all I downed, so maybe I am getting used to drinking with him..damn, that’s can’t be a good thing..can it?

We all have moments when we have to stop to catch our breath and take stock of where and who we are. It can  be as simple as tweaking a few things, or it can be a major overhaul.

I’m having days when I want to just sit myself in a corner and hide out in the shadows because I’m neglecting everything that feeds me.  My cards snap at me for being stuffed in the herb cabinet(one can’t hear them as loudly as when they sit on the table). I don’t pull out the incense or herbs to light as I used to…its a meh attitude and its affecting who I am..no patience, and definitely less connected. So a friend offered me a solution…read the” instructions” all about me.

Brin and I arrive at a friend’s for a little tea and some quiet reading. He’s left the fire going, and a book for my reading pleasure on the table next to the big easy chair.  Yep, he intends me to be comfortable as I read and seek the answers I’ve been looking for. Brin goes to bring in the teapot and pours me a cup while I settle myself in the chair.  I pull the soft blanket across my lap and begin my read. I soon see why the book was recommended to me.  It shows me who I was, why I was and how I can pull that back to me. It reminds me that I’ve always had elements of the path I carry with me today.  I have always been connected with a foot on both sides.  It’s why I can walk as I do without fear or retribution from those who control other realms.As I begin reading, I can see the past played out as it has always been. Funny how we often don’t remember things like that. It’s like when we incarnate, then we put past lives, lesson aside in order to try out a “bigger and better” one. It often leaves big holes for us to try and maneuver through and around. I see now where I have gone a bit off course and how I can remedy things.

I have no idea how long I read, or how much tea I drank while doing so. What I know is that today I awoke feeling a little more together  and an idea of how to push myself. No, I won’t share the details, but suffice it to say that it will be more enjoyable than what’s been going on as of late.

Que l’aventure commence

 

Be who you are.  It’s been a refrain moving through my head all damn day. Like an earworm you can’t unplug, the sound keeps getting louder and louder.  Nice thought. Unless one has no fucking clue just exactly who that is.

I have a basic idea of who I am. Every time. I connect with healing aspects, and walk with a foot on either side of the divide. Maybe because of being born associated with so close to cusp(if one was to go by signs) or maybe I just choose to select that which is familiar to me. Why would I do that? We often associate with the familiar because even if its painful, its something we know. Does that make it healthy or productive?  Not always.

I’ve accumulated names each time..some fit me..others do not .  Some feel like a too large mantle draped on my shoulders.  They are uncomfortable to me even though they could easily fit.  I have friends who teasingly call me names that I back away from and yet looking at what I tend to do..then it is accurate..to a point.  We are all students and as such even professors cannot be limited in their quest for knowledge.

While I recognize my limitations, I see many who tend to puff themselves up into the “knower of of ALL things/paths”.  One kind of has to look suspect at that if you are looking for a teacher to help you along. If they are going to pull in all aspects of new age into a Diaspora that relies heavily on entities not found in a new age path, you should probably look elsewhere. If you are seeking a mentor for a specific path, then be careful who and what you come in contact with.  There are many out there willing to take advantage, for a price,who will sell you anything you want..or think you do.

My suggestion? Look inside and see who you are..really.Be who you are. It takes time to realize this little gem of a lesson.  Sometimes we don’t pay enough attention to the guides who whisper, often scream in our ear …But eventually most of us wake up, take a step back, grab a glass of rum and get down to the business at hand.

saisir le jour

 

“Mirrors are perpetually deceitful. They lie and steal your true self. They reveal only what your mind believes it sees”
― Dee Remy, There Once Was A Boy

I think it it’s the one looking into the mirror that is deceitful actually. Mirrors are portals, allowing us to see what we wish to see.  We can convince ourselves of many things while checking that mirror.  We can convince ourselves that we are a “good” person..Our morals better than the majority and our walk closer to the angels singing their hallelujah’s to god, but it’s our actions that resonate. What we say and do reflects on us so much more than what we profess to be.

I am far from perfect.I know that shocks ya’ll. Seriously. I have faults..I’m opinionated, snarky as fuck, bossy and Obsessive Compulsion and anti social especially in large settings. BUT…I am honest..very direct and set high standards for myself and those within my circle. So it was with some dismay that I found some that I respect and like to come across as narrow minded, judgmental and distorting truth with something obviously taken out of context and made into something else entirely. When I called them on it..one tried to justify their thinking..and tonight one outright deleted me from her list because she refuses to admit she was wrong. I am sorry about both situations. I hold them both in high regard and I’m disappointed to lose the friendship of one. ~Shrugs~I will not lower my standards. I hold myself to be honest, compassionate and fair..but don’t expect me to ignore ignorance, lies and downright poor judgement..I WILL call bullshit every time! And if that means you walk..then I guess you will do what is best for you. But I sincerely hope you decide to look and find a few truths in that mirror of yours. It reflects your light back to you.

I smile as I see the buttercups in the yard waving their perfect blooms as if spring is already here.  The warmth as of late belies the fact that the calendar says there are several more weeks until it’s official.

It’s one of my favorite seasons..all the renewing of the trees, flowers, even self. Self? Yep. In many paths, there are celebrations of all this renewal, but few give thought that to have all this, one must also remove the dead. Catholics after all their gaiety and celebration have Ash Wednesday(day of atonement) and then Lent..a 40 day time of sacrifice in order to prepare for a rebirth(Easter). I too use this time in a similar fashion. Beginning with Fet ghede, after the honoring of ancestors, I use the darker months as reflection.  Time to see where I can tweak, change or even toss things. So begins the spring renewal after all celebrations are over, the air warms my spirit, and the first blooms appear to bring a smile on my face. I begin to clean house.  This isn’t always in a literal sense,although looking around, I see there  are things that can be recycled, tossed or given away. My “house” is my physical and spiritual self. Watching as others flail, I am reminded that I too am sometimes unsteady in the water and while I am not in danger of drowning, I do need to sink my feet a little deeper in the soil so I am not swayed one way or the other with something that neither suits me nor fulfills me. So I have pulled into myself a little as of late. Not to shut others out really, but to ask those who guide me how better to achieve what I am seeking…to gain a new awareness of self and knowledge in which to apply it. They have been helpful in the past, so I’m looking forward to seeing where they lead me.

I’ve also begun to take better care of the physical. No, I am not laying down the rum…that’s probably at the bottom of the list if I were to make one.  I have decided to give up the diet cokes I live on…from the time I leave the house until I get home…that’s a lot of soda..not healthy.  Tea at least has restorative properties and I’ve begun drinking more.  Green tea with honey and ginseng in the mornings and iced tea throughout the day with a hot cup of chamomile with honey before bed. The Rum?  Oh it’s in there somewhere ;). I am also walking more.  I sit in hell all day, and to make money, I don’t get up often.  So its hard on my aging body with its arthritic aches and pains.  I’ve read where longer slow walks are actually better than running full stop, so I’ve decided to try it out. Even a mile a day is better than nothing right? On the bright side it is healthier for the old ticker which likes to remind me of my human form from time to time.

So even though I dont celebrate traditionally as other faiths, this is my time of renewal..I’ve even gotten a friend to tap into my “no soda” ban, although her resolve may be slipping just a tad since she dreamed of having a coke the other night,lol.  We’ll see how she does.  But even if you dont reach for the mundane things to change, search for something that could use a sprucing up..it doesn’t have to be big.  All journeys start with a single step..